bookmark_borderI am

Changes take time. No matter how deep my desire to be ‘better’ I need to learn to be patient.

And I am.

Changes don’t have to be sweeping. Small steps towards a goal make progress easier than trying to leap large boulders in a single bound. I should enjoy the process as much as the achievements.

And I am.

Changes aren’t always obvious. In the whirl of data I can collect about me – my weight, my body measurements, my eating habits, the number of steps I take each day, how far I cycle on my bike, how long I sleep – I need to trust my instincts more and enjoy the change, not the data.

And I am.

Changes don’t always stick. This is not a failure. This is life. The tricky bit is remembering to be patient, to enjoy the process, to trust myself and not seek validation in numbers. If I can do that, then maybe I can stick with this when my enthusiasm wanes. Maybe then I will have the resolve to continue this change when my current mood dissolves. I will strive for that.

And I am.

And if I ‘fail’. I will remember that life is more than this. That I am happy and loved.

And I am.

bookmark_borderThe good, the bad

… and for the purposes of this post, I’ll play ‘the ugly’ (shut it at the back!).

The good

We were out and about last weekend and enjoyed a fun-filled evening at Cabaresque, a cabaret/burlesque show organised by some friends. It’s all for charity and as most of the audience and acts, know each other, it’s a great laugh (although I feel sorry for the two comedians as they probably got some very specific heckles they won’t have had to deal with in the past!).

Part way through there is a raffle, and this year we won two prizes! I also went up to collect a third on behalf of someone who couldn’t really walk in her shoes… so most of the audience, and the host, thought I’d won three times. So when it turned out that there had been a slight mistake and one of the prizes we’d won actually contained something that was meant as a separate prize, I ended up getting a bit of stick from the audience.

All good natured fun, and the night ended up raising just over £1000! Brilliant stuff.

Not a bad way to spend a Saturday night, a few drinks, a lot of laughs, a singalong and burlesque (and boylesque) dancing. Aces!

The bad

That extra prize we won was nipple tassles, the audience quickly caught on and started demanding that I put them on and model them.

A few minutes before, bearing in mind I’d had some dutch courage and I’m a pretty loud outgoing guy (on the surface), I’d hammed it up a bit whilst collecting the prize.

So how would they know that, especially at the moment, I’m very conscious of my body and that there was no way in hell I was taking my shirt off, obviously they had no idea.

I’m glad I didn’t let it spoil my night, even though it could’ve.

The ugly

However, it did highlight that, no matter how much I try and laugh it off, that my current state of mind on my body image isn’t in a good place.

I am taking steps, small ones, to changing it but I’m finding it much harder than it was last year when I seemed to fall into a healthier lifestyle (both exercise and food) much more easily.

What’s especially annoying is that, contrary to last year, I’ve fewer distractions, fewer ‘life events’ happening and in almost every other aspect of my life things are going well (fantastically well!) so that leaves me pondering why, when I should have more energy to deal with this, I’m still not able to get a proper handle on it.

Things are, slowly and steadily, starting to change. I’m consciously trying to be relaxed about it, trying to be measured and accept whatever happens. I think that’s spilling out into other areas of my life as well. I feel much more relaxed about other things, the usual stress triggers don’t seem to be pushing the same buttons any more.

It’s never good when someone else highlights something you already have marked down as a flaw or, in my case, as a failure. But I’m putting that behind me and moving on.