This is my first time
At one of these
and I find myself willing,
hoping
that it won’t be shit
no withering on the vine

But it will be shit
say the voices in my head
loudly spoken
filling me with dread

Stop looking at me, but please
side eye me your approval
slide it along the floor
so I may stoop
and bowing, fall to my knees

They call it imposter syndrome
and sitting THERE
I can see why
From THERE it looks easy to
ignore the nagging despair

Before now I sat
Casting an eye over the words I had writ
In my head hearing them delivered
with poise
a hint of Shakespearean wit

So a seasoned pro to issue forth
Someone else to lend a voice

I hope that the words will fall on sound ears
And darkened faces watching
Silently waiting their turn
Will shift from patience to attention

But now
I am standing HERE!

And it will be shit
the voices say.

It. Is. Shit.

The words are too simple
The cadence is off
There is no desire or passion
Just words that tail…

Sentences drip from my mouth
To the approval less floor
a growing pile of noises
that gather no moss

Song lyrics I may steal
Float in my vision
Anything
Everything
Is better than this

It is shit

Yet

I am standing HERE
Faltering so

I am HERE
Eyes on the door

I am speaking
Aren’t I?

Slide your approval quickly now
My nerve is fading

But the voices elsewhere
Are slowly jading

The dreaded cackle and jeer
Is no longer near

And even though I am writing this before
on a train in the dark
I jostle from that line to this
Settling once then writing more

I know that these words may find a home
Some where
Anywhere
They are not shit

This is something
Not great
Not best
Just a thing
All it needs to be

The delivery is key

I will stand there
I tell myself
And I will do it, I will
and I will not care
for that voice in my head

It shouts me down down
I will rise up and beyond
And deliver a crown
of achievement and glory

All from these words

Typed on a screen
Rarely seen

Never spoken

Until today

This is my first time
At one of these
I hope ohhh I hope
I have been able to please

If not, it is shit
And yet for today
I will own that, and hold it
For I did this TODAY!

So I will take that, and own that
And go on my way.