Month: <span>February 2001</span>

This is the most vivid dream I have ever had, yet it doesn’t deal with an every day scenario, I wrote this as soon as I woke for fear of losing the images it gave me.

Tumbling, passing over shapes and forms, passing identities shard and splinter before allowing recognition. Only the faintest glimmer of the form remains. Never sure how it is, where it goes, nor when to return. I move on unguided.

Fear is present but lurking far off, the dark light on the horizon. An impending battle never reached. Hope moves me forward, ever stronger, cushioning my movement. Outcrops of anger, jealousy, despair cannot affect my progress. I move on beyond the temporary to the fulfillment of a long journey.

A pause.

The clouds lazily meander across the sky around me, past the water and smoke to the sound of laughter. Gazing into my hands the forms continue, hinting at themselves, revealing all of nothing.

Darkness shatters into view, pirouetting sound fills the air, rising on the movement beneath it. Writhing noise, pervading every sense, surrounds me. Prone, I move amongst, conducting the movement.

Eyes closed, I can see where it is going, the path is dimly lit, but evident. Direction unsure but obvious.

And so to the stark realm of reality. Direction ceasing, stumbling. The flittering thoughts return, and I dream of dreams.

Personal Musings

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Promises, promises.

Stagnant is probably the wrong word, but that’s what it feels like. Same old, same old. Get up, go to work, go home, have dinner, watch TV (or sit at the PC), go to bed.

Not been to T’ai Chi yet, nor found anywhere to play basketball. Have started playing 5-a-side weekly, but that’ll stop as I’ve got an inflamed tendon in my foot. My exercise cycle always seems to go like this. Starting exercising, get an injury, stop exercising.

We are both wanting to do more, time isn’t too much of a constraint, money is, but that’s nothing new. We need to break the routine. Do SomeTHiNG!

I wasn’t sure if I was slipping back down, going back to that horrible place that scares me so much. I think I am still adjusting to the move back north, to seeing family so often, and to being accessible for family occasions. It’s not always easy though. I think I’m fighting off a bug, which isn’t helping as all I seem to want to do is sleep. I feel lethargic a lot, is that lack of exercise, or my mind bogging me down.

I said, a while back, that I didn’t think this site would survive much longer. Right now, I think it will, mainly as a release. I hadn’t reckoned on the up and down so much. I just hope I don’t start taking Louise with me. The problem is coping. I can take-each-day-as-it-comes for only so long, eventually it grinds. Rage comes in, and starts motivating, but that’s the last stage, I’m not near that now, but it is coming, I can feel it. Anger, annoyance, and disgust. All aimed by me, at me. That’s what gets me most annoyed, should it be the way? Who knows? If you do please let me know.

Back to basics is the current thought in my mind. Get the basics sorted out. Create a more varied routine, vary that, and work from there. Eat properly, sleep properly, work properly. Then exercise, socialise and grow. Basic. Isn’t it funny how life doesn’t support that, how it keeps finding a way to drag you back, to complicate. Still, you get what you give, isn’t that right? You reap what you sow. Hindsight sucks.

Just spotted a basic flaw in my thinking, how can you create a varied routine?

Personal Musings

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Received some information today that made me think. I stopped what I was doing and thought hard about it, then realised the utter preposterousness(?) of it and laughed it off… trouble is I think the person who sent it to me was serious. I thought they had better judgement, hell I know they have better judgement… very weird why they thought this would swing past me without any comment. Oh well, it is these little things that are sent to test us.

I had hoped to be working on a very interesting/challenging/fun project soon (outside of my day job) however contractually I am not allowed to… at least as far as receiving payment goes, will have to check and see if the ‘working for nothing yet just received new DVD player’ system is legal. 😉

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Lovely morning, white cotton blanket had been laid over everything, and was still falling as we drove to work.

Afternoon not quite as nice, an abundance of white flakes still making their floaty way down from the sky, unfortunately the temperature has risen just enough to turn them into that horrible, cold, wet slush that clogs up the pavements and roads.

That aside an odd day indeed. Snippets of information seemed to be the theme, with just enough information to be less than useful or be able to construct any firm ideas or opinions. Nuts, but then, what’s new with that?

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Almost end of weekend. Quiet. Friday night up to 3 a.m. drinking tequila.

Saturday hungover.

Sunday in work all afternoon setting up laptop to make sure I don’t lose any time on Monday. I should really have been home, reading the papers, drinking coffee, should I be shifting my perspective?

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Awww nuts. End of tether reached. Back later.

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Up and down, up and down, up and down. Simple enough and applies to several different ‘problems’ at the moment – most work related. Kinda a 2 steps forward, slight pause looking ahead then, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 .steps back (count ’em). I can solve some of the problems, the others are outwith my hands, but still a royal pain in the ass. Others feel the same, and overall it’s nothing major, more a nagging annoyance, but the kind of thing that will grow and grow until it’s a grade A, nuclear fallout type of pain in the ass. Someone has to speak out, why do I get the feeling it will be me.

I genuinely believe that sorting this will be for the better, for everyone concerned, both individual or company. Man I hate this, sucking away, I hate office politics, always have. Just wish the company was so damn successful!! 😉

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Too

Damn

Tired.

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