Ever since I learned how to write, I’ve never been without a journal. There are currently six I use regularly on my desk, plus the Day One and Daylio apps on my phone. Each has its purpose, but I often wish for a single app or notebook to replace the rest.
Month: October 2023
bookmark_borderRead: Tech doesn’t make our lives easier. It makes them faster
We have far more technology than any other human generation in history, and it allows us to do things in a fraction of the time that our ancient ancestors did. It must surely follow that we’re the most relaxed generation of all time. Agree?
bookmark_borderIsrael-Gaza war
I have so many thoughts on the current situation but lack the knowledge to properly articulate them.
I am on the side of humanity, I wish the killing would stop, from both sides, and that somehow Israel and Hamas find the strength to stop acting like children (you bombed us, so we bombed you…) as there is no end game to this, only more death and destruction.
Which sparks the question I know others have asked, what IS the end game here? What does Israel hope to acheive right now? They have set themselves on a path and the only place it can go is the continuing massacre of innocents, on both sides. Hamas won’t stop, Hamas aren’t all in Gaza so you won’t eradicate that faction by levelling the Strip, all that I can see happening is that Israel swallows Gaza and whoever survives the current bombings becomes an enemy of the state within.
I have no answers, no solutions, I’m not part of that world but regardless, watching from afar I can only hope that cooler heads prevail, that the desire to save face is removed, and that somehow the bombings stop.
This conflict will not end in the coming weeks or months, or years. And it won’t be stopped by more deaths, on both sides of the battle. It’s horrifying. A ceasefire is the very least we can hope for and I hope it comes quickly.
Best discussion I’ve heard on this: https://open.spotify.com/episode/5jiyfjOqoR8IKatxhQcpGq?si=xAIY0Z-WTB6D_fI9QrlU7w
bookmark_borderRead: The Power of Self-Doubt
A few weeks ago, Rand and I went out to dinner at a restaurant we hadn’t tried before. The menu was mostly Pacific Northwestern – so, lots of fish and expensive – with a few Italian dishes thrown in. We settled on a couple of things, one being arancini – tiny little fried balls of risotto.
bookmark_borderHow to raise a man
Man up, sit down
Chin up, pipe down
Socks up, don’t cry
Drink up, don’t whine
“Grow some balls,” he said
“Grow some balls”The mask
Samaritans by Idles
Of masculinity
Is a mask
A mask that’s wearing me
The mask, the mask, the mask
We want Jack to be kind, considerate, and thoughtful. We want him to be present, to live a happy life, a healthy life both physically and mentally.
These are not unique desires for a parent, I’m well aware of that, but it’s something we’ve actively discussed and as the main male presence in his life I’m already conscious of the things I say and do that could influence him.
Fundamentally I want my son to treat every person with respect, respect to their gender, their sexuality, their race, and to understand and respect the language they use and also to know when it’s HIS feelings and issues that are the problem, and that those issues are for HIM to deal with (and that I’ll always be there to help him with those too).
That’s the goal but how do you do that?
I’m very wary of reciting advice we’ve read/heard elsewhere, or sounding like I think I know it all and this will guarantee Jack grows into a flawless adult (spoiler alert: he won’t) but there are a few simple things I am doing that, hopefully, will help lead him down a path I hope he chooses to take as he gets older:
- Being mindful of how I act, and what I say.
Kids copy so much of what their parents do. How many times do you, as an adult, do something and instantly realise it’s something you’ve inherited from your Mum or Dad. It can be a small mannerism – my Dad used to tap along to music whilst driving the car, tapping his wedding ring on the gearstick, I caught myself doing it the other day – or something more nefarious.
With the latter in mind I’ve tried to stopping making jokes about, for example, how ‘Mum’s place is in the kitchen’ as not only is it not actually funny, but I don’t want Jack to grow up thinking that attitude is ok. - Acknowledging my mistakes when I make them.
I think it’s important for Jack to know he’s allowed to make mistakes as long as he knows how to process that and learn from them. I’ll do my best to set an example for him. That means apologising to him if I lose my temper with him, or if I do something he didn’t want me to do.
The former I’ve already done a few times, when my tiredness and a cranky toddler collide I’ve raised my voice to him and as soon as I’ve calmed down I’ve sat down with him, said I’m sorry and explained why I acted that way and that it wasn’t right for me to shout at him. I’m not sure he understands the words, but hoping he understands the sentiment.
The latter is a tricky line to tread as whilst, for example, HE wants me to go stand far away in the playground whilst he climbs to the top of the (12 foot high, metal) stairs of the slide, he still occasionally misjudges things and falls over so, no I won’t stand where he wants as I might need to catch him! Again, in a calm voice I’ll explain why I’m not doing what he wants. - Talking openly, honestly, and often.
Hopefully this will help Jack as he grows, and with practice he’ll come to understand that he can talk to his Mum and Dad about anything, good or bad, and while we will be strict when required, he’ll always know that talking about his feelings is a good thing, and we will always love him, no matter what he brings to us. - Crying.
As my friends know, I am an emotional guy. I cry at lots of things, songs, movies, TV shows. I won’t be hiding this from Jack. And if I am upset about something, as I can get with thinking about my Dad and how he would’ve doted on Jack, I will cry and tell Jack why. I’ll smile through the tears so he knows it’s ok to feel sad sometimes, and that crying is nothing to be ashamed of. - Loving.
I tell Jack I love him every single day. I made a promise to him, and myself, that I would do this in some form or another from the day he was born and I’ve not missed a day yet. For now I get to say the words to him, but I know as he grows it might be by text message or whatever mode of communication we end up with in 2035, regardless, I will tell him I love him every day whilst I still can.
He’ll also hear me say that to his Mum, and see me cuddle her and show affection. I think that’s important too. Love is powerful. - Respecting.
And possibly the hardest one of all, at least it seems that way, is to teach Jack to respect other people. Flying in the face of mainstream media which, whilst it is changing, is still very misogynistic, I want Jack to understand and embrace consent.
I can’t recall which TV show I saw it on but so far the best handling of this I’ve seen was a father and son sitting in a fast food restaurant at a counter. They are eating and the father broaches the subject of consent, asking his son if he knows what it means, when the son isn’t sure, the father says it’s simple. When a sporting referee blows the whistle, everything stops. You might question the decision afterwards, you might be annoyed, you might think the referee was wrong… but you stop. That one stuck with me.
I’ve been thinking about how to capture of all this for a while. In my head the title of this post is actually, how NOT to raise a rapist which isn’t far from the truth. I know there will be difficult conversations ahead, one of which will be about rape and how it’s up to MEN to sort that problem out (and presuming he continues to identify as a man then he’ll need to be part of the solution).
I have, of course, no idea how all of this will turn out, I have hope because Becca and I think the same way about all of these things, have personal experiences to bear out our advice, and because we both believe that the more we talk about these things with Jack, and the earlier we start, the more likely it is that he will grow into a good man, that Jack will turn out to be just that.
Which strikes me as something I’ve mentioned before about another man, he was a good man too, so here’s hoping some of him is passed down through to MY son.
bookmark_borderRead: Hollywood Reporter Critics Pick the 50 Best TV Shows of the 21st Century (So Far)
Back in April, THR‘s team of intrepid film critics got together and ranked the 50 best films of the 21st century so far, delivering a list that was fascinating, head-scratching and packed with cinematic greatness.