Month: February 2013

Less less less

Reading time: < 1 min

I don’t set resolutions but I always end up with some, this year is turning out no different.

Last year the theme seemed to become ‘be healthier’. Whether that was in body (eating healthier, trying to get more exercise) or in mind (avoiding ‘drama’ wherever possible) it seemed to work.

That theme remains for this year but more by way of habit, although I do need to re-enforce it a little better, and it already seems like this year the theme is around simplicity.

My new role at work is seeing me involved in conversations about processes which seem overly complex.

I’m slowly decluttering my flat, my possessions to remove as much of them as I can. I just don’t need so much ‘stuff’. Case in point, I received my Pebble smart watch and promptly sold it. Why the hell do I need to receive SMS and email notifications on my watch? Yet another thing that I would end up just switching off.

I’m about to ditch App.net too, Twitter suffices, and Facebook remains useful as it encompasses a different set of people.

I’m also learning to let go of some things, leave them in the past where they belong. My own expectations of me, the expectations I place on others, well they’ve tripped me up in the past but more recently I’ve seen how destructive they can be and so I’m slowly finding ways to let them go.

Now, who wants to buy an XBox 360?

Untitled

Reading time: < 1 min

And so he starts again, the silence punctuated by the staccato tap tap tap of the keyboard. He moves in his chair to find a comfortable pose and starts to ponder what he might write, what prose he may be able to dredge from his flaccid imagination. Prose indeed, he thinks. Another helping of scorn to add to the pile.

He knows he has to start, that the act is as much a part of the outcome as the words, that until he starts he won’t know where it will go nor where it will end.

Every step is a journey.

No, every journey is a step.

As ever he enjoys playing with naivé imagery and constructs, twisting and pulling to find something between the cracks, weeds of ideas that may have been growing there and maybe, one day, a wildflower will bend into view, gloriously colourful and new.

But not today.

Today is not for the new, but for the act. The tap tap tap of the keyboard gathering speed as he realises all he needs is to keep writing.

He ponders the story of the building, the King like nature of an untold and sinister power. Basic, rote, not worth following but worth revisiting, perhaps there are some seeds there he can cultivate.

Faltering already? It seems so but he remains happy that he started once more.

He is never sure of where it will take him. He knows he enjoys the process regardless of the outcome, most of which remains hidden away, trashed.

He is writing again. For now.

I am happy with this.

Alternative

Reading time: < 1 min

I spent the weekend with some alternative friends.

What a strange phrase that is, alternative to what? My regular friends? No, just a different grouping of people brought together by a different bond. Although I’d pause at saying some were friends, acquaintances perhaps? But that’s beside the point.

Just as my best friendships all stem from the time we spent together drinking with nurses doing charitable good deeds at Hospital Radio Lennox, so this other group of people are forming around the part of my life I don’t really talk about. In fact none of us really talk about it except to each other, mostly. That sounds very insular, in fact it’s largely the opposite.

There are other definitions of alternative, he said in an attempt to gloss over that last paragraph, and they suggest things which aren’t defined as being the norm.

Which is fine by me. I’ve always enjoyed being different, being on the edge of things rather than part of the crowd and the more I discover about myself, the more I realise it’s a fundamental part of who I am.

It’s easy to fall into a life which is comfortable and easy, that you end up with a happiness that you deserve. That’s no bad thing, but in the long run, for me, it wasn’t what I needed.

Change is never easy, and it’s taken me some time to come to understand how I fit in this little alternative world I find myself inhabiting, but after a couple of years I think I’m beginning to figure it out.

At least until the next new experience where, maybe, everything will change again and, if it does, that’s fine by me. I’ll figure it out and have fun whilst I do.

Bliss

Reading time: < 1 min

I breath in.

I breath out.

Acutely aware of the depth and length of my breathe as my chest rises and falls, the weight of my limbs on the bed, the nothingness of it all as I relax.

Eyes closed, drifting, floating away into my subconscious, that eery half-world between dreams and reality is easily found.

Somewhere I can hear relaxing sounds, the person in the room with me moves around slowly, deliberately. Her fingers, warm and oiled, pull gently around my eyes and across my forehead, pausing to circle on my temples.

And the world melts away again.

It’s only recently that I’ve discovered what bliss actually means. It comes in many forms, but it is recognisable as an escape, an otherworldlyness that takes me away from the everyday.

I embrace it and let it wrap around me, warm, safe and content.

Awake awake awake

Reading time: < 1 min

I’m still not sure what triggers this insomnia, or even if it’s triggered at all. I only know that I’m awake.

I’m not complaining, I’ve had almost 6 hours sleep which is more than some people get I know, but it still irks me that these spells happen. I either wake for a couple of hours during the night or, like last night, I struggle to stay asleep for more than 5 hours.

It’s not the lack of sleep that bothers me, it’s the impact it has on my energy levels. Everything becomes that little bit more of an effort, and sometimes I’m not convinced I’m always making the best decisions.

Life continues, of course, and the new job is starting to ramp up. I’ve not quite adjusted my working hours, the team is split between here and California, so most meetings are now conference calls from 3pm onwards. Getting in the office at 8am no longer deemed sustainable.

It’s fun though, tackling a new challenge usually is and for now I’m letting the life/work balance sort itself out. Living for the moment rather than getting too hung up on what I’m not doing, and trying to remove my own expectations of me.

Alas it can’t all be like that. I finally weighed myself yesterday for the first time in about two months. I knew I’d put on some weight and was pleasantly surprised to find out it was just under 10kg.

So the target will be 1kg (about 2lbs) a week. I think that’s achievable, and should have me quite a bit lighter by Glastonbury and much lighter by my 40th birthday.

Every day is a new day of course but, for now, I’ve got plenty going on to keep me busy.