Month: <span>July 2022</span>

It was Father’s Day a few weeks ago in the UK. I wanted to capture my thoughts, it’s just taken me a while…

My first one as a Dad, with all the emotions that brings with it.

Every single day I tell my son I love him and Father’s Day was no different. It’s part of a promise I made to him when I was holding him in my arms for the first time, having just been handled this tiny little thing all bundled up in a towel. I tell my son I love him every day, I tell him I like him, I will make sure he knows this growing up and can feel confident that that will never change, that I will always be there for him. It’s important to me that Jack knows I’ll support him no matter what, the same way my own Dad did for me.

Still miss Dad. The grief gets easier but it still hurts that he isn’t around and that Jack won’t ever get to meet him. I know I’m a lot like my Dad in many ways though so a fair part of who my Dad was will be passed down anyway but I would have dearly loved to see my Dad with my son. He was such a great Grandpa to Lucy and it’s sad that Jack and Daisy won’t experience that too but we have many happy memories we can hold on to and try and pass on.

I am enjoying being a Dad. All the fears I had still linger in the background but day by day with the realisation that those fears aren’t coming true, that I might actually be ok at this whole Dad thing. I was worried about so many things, would I love him, would I want to spend time with him, would my inherent laziness and selfishness (neither of which I know are actually true) somehow prevent me from bonding with him… all nonsense now and, no doubt, many of you would have told me that anyway but such are the thoughts that swirled through my head.

Of course, none of those things are coming true and instead I’m spending time with my son, looking after him, feeding him, changing him, soothing him, and sitting with him while he plays (he’s very independent already). All of this brings so many little moments that I want to capture and hold on to, tiny moments of each day that fill my heart with more love for this tiny human who is dominating our lives and who I love so much.

Sometimes Jack will pause what he is doing, turn his head and look at me, a little smile on his face and I already know that’s all I’ll ever need from him.

Jack

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Reading

If in doubt, write about what you haven’t written about even though you’ve been trying to…

In the past when I’ve struggled to find time/motivation/words for this blog I’ve resorted to some cliched posts and, well, here’s another one.

I had planned to write about Father’s Day, given it was my first one as a Father myself. Admittedly I’m not big on these types of manufactured ‘days’ but it did give me pause; time to consider the fact that I’m a Dad and to wonder what my own Dad might have thought, the latter of course leading me to a place of melancholy that he isn’t around and didn’t get a chance to meet Jack.

But back to me and, on the whole, I think I’m doing ok as a Dad. I love spending time with my son, watching him play and learn, and learning how to be a Dad from him. It’s a wonderful, emotional cycle that, even during the not-so-fun moments (he’s currently only wanting his Mum at night) I still can’t quite believe how much I love him.

Elsewhere I’m still working from home – a huge boon with Jack around – and enjoying the freedoms that allows. I’ve not been out on my bike as often as I’d like but foot injury remains (ultrasound appointment soon), and we are settling into life in our new house well with the garden scheduled to be useable by August (from 8 years of neglect it’ll finally have a lawn and a small patio, just in time for a small crawling boy to explore!). Ohh and married life is pretty sweet too (she’s a keeper!).

Of course in the world of social media it’s easy to sway to the good stuff. On the whole life is very good but there are hard moments, as any parent knows. We are both exhausted for different reasons, but remain a good team. There doesn’t seem to be a day that goes by with a spare minute in it for either of us, but we are muddling through.

I’m not as active on social media for these reasons as well, but I’m still around, and it’s largely what’s prompted me to grab 10 minutes to write this post; there is still a desire to share my thoughts here, to capture moments of my life and, whilst a lot more of those go into my private journal, it’s nice to write for public consumption for a change even with the knowledge that it’ll only be read by 7 people (on a good day).

Anyway, enough about me, I hope you are all well and prospering in the life you’ve chosen.

All 7 of you.

Life