After the debacle of having to rip up my bank card, we headed to my parents for dinner on Friday night. They’d left some money lying about on the table (exactly the amount I’d wanted to get from the cash machine) so I pocketed that. I hope they don’t notice…
Saturday morning, up early for a rendezvous at Bothwell Services. We pinned the red carnations to our lapels, and had memorised the identification script:
“Ze grey squirrel enjoys le early morning.”
To which the expect response was to be:
“Yes, but the albatross is far away.”
Unfortunately we had forgotten to inform my sister-in-law of the appropriate response so she just stood there, holding out her car keys, and wondering why I was whispering in a slightly dodgy European accent. It’s ok though, she already thinks I’m a nutter.
So, having traded cars, I watched my wife drive off in the rough direction of Newcastle, and headed back home to peace and solitude. I had plans the first of which, I realised soon after pulling out of the Services, would be to put some diesel in my sister-in-law’s car.
I returned home, locked the door, took the phone of the hook, closed all the blinds and took my clothes off. Hey, nothing beats walking round your own house, naked in the daytime and don’t you dare have the bare-faced cheek to disagree with me.
OK, I’m kidding, I didn’t really take my clothes off, which is just as well as I was no sooner in the door than the doorbell rang. The Avon lady, we call her Anne so I hope that is her name, was there to pickup the Avon catalogue. Thankfully, Louise had left strict and specific instructions for this very occasion.
“If Anne calls, you know, Anne the Avon lady, give her the Avon catalogue back. If Bill calls, the Betterware man, give him the Betterware catalogue. OK? Can you manage that dear?” I confirmed that I thought it was not beyond my capacity. Her knowing look hurt a little but admittedly I have struggled with such things before.
I turned to the hall table, on which the aforementioned catalogue were placed. Thankfully I managed to select the right catalogue, first time! My weekend was off to a good start.
With one catalogue safely returned I decide to keep my clothes for, surely, Bill would turn up the minute I took them off. As the previous sentence sounds vaguely risque, I’ll move swiftly on.
My main objective this weekend was to eat bad food and have complete control of the television. I achieved those objectives fairly early on, sitting down to watch Soccer AM whilst eating a slice of chocolate cake with my morning coffee. What could be worse than having chocolate cake for breakfast? OK, many things I know but it was quite decadent of me as I normally have Shreddies.
And so it was for most of the weekend. I watched a bad movie called Aeon Flux, so bad that not even the rather gorgeous Charlize Theron could stop it being anything but bad, I watched a good movie called Syriana, which was a little long but in which George Clooney was very good, and I watched a Bond movie. Thunderball. Because it was on.
I also managed to build a smallish winerack (photos to follow), watched some football and rugby, upgraded my MacBook to Leopard, and then lost most of Sunday to a migraine. But those things aren’t as much fun to write about. So I won’t.
How was YOUR weekend dearest reader?