Happily Imperfect

Being a man can be a bit of a puzzle. We are constantly bombarded with images and ideas that others believe define what it means to be a man. Some people think you need to be physically strong, others believe you need to have a dominant personality, and some measure their manliness like a strange badge of pride, constantly comparing themselves to you and others as if there is a competition to win.

I believe many men would do better and be happier if they set aside all that and tried to discover what makes them a good person, a happy person. Perhaps it is the pursuit of physical strength, or proving you are better than others at something, but I think a lot of the time, as it is for me, it is about finding a way to exist in the world with the knowledge that you are a good person.

Integrity is key to becoming the type of man you want to be. I cannot tell you how to find it, but once you think about how you want others to think of you (not in a superfluous way, in a meaningful ‘what will they say about me when I die’ kind of way), and most importantly how you think you can find a way to be happy, then it will find you. The trick is keeping hold of your integrity, being true to yourself, not dropping your ideals or morals just to fit in. It will be hard at times, being part of a crowd is fun, exhilarating, but holding true to yourself will be worth it in the long run. It will help you find people like you, and hopefully keep negativity out of your life as much as is possible.

As for the type of person you wish to become, I think ‘don’t be a dick’ is the simplest way I can put how I hope you’ll live your life. Your mum and I are both big believers in being nice to people, even those who might not always deserve it. I’ve found that the people who end up being nasty bullies are often a bit broken themselves, they just don’t realise it. You will face challenges when you deal with other people, it isn’t always easy, but take a moment before you react. You never know what other people are going through and as hard as it may be, you’ll feel better about yourself if you take a beat and consider that.

There will be times when you are angry, and that’s okay too, but the worst things I’ve done when angry I’ve regretted almost instantly, and when I think back on them I feel ashamed of myself. That’s okay too, as long as you use that to learn. Don’t let it fester, don’t let anger sit with you, figure it out.

If you can, try to sit quietly with yourself, go for walks in the fresh air, let your mind wander, find a way to be at peace with yourself and your life. Things will never go to plan, life isn’t something you can fully control, so learning to adjust and go with whatever happens is a good thing to either learn, or at least keep in mind when it seems like everything is out of control. You don’t need to have things all figured out, no one really does. Life is a meandering devil of a pathway that will take your best plans and shake them up in an instant, it happens all the time. Learn to go with the flow.

As you’ll grow up with Artificial Intelligence and, for want of a better term, weaponised (mis)information, please learn to think for yourself, confirm things presented as fact, and at worst go with your gut if something seems off! Do your best to find smart people to listen to, hint: it’s usually the quieter people. The loud ones are rarely worth paying attention to.

Talk. Talk more than you think you should about whatever is really on your mind. Talk to me, your mum, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, your cousins, your friends. Take the time to talk to strangers, ask people’s names, share your stories and your emotions. And please, never ever hide your emotions. They are all valid, all true, and all a part of who you are.

You might have noticed I cry quite a bit. I can be quite emotional, often my tears are happy ones, but sometimes they are sad. Crying isn’t a sign of weakness, just as anger isn’t a sign of strength. Your emotions are what make you who you are. Empathy and kindness are what the world needs, and what you need from the world more than you realise. Feeling angry, anxious, awkward or sad is normal. Acting like they don’t exist isn’t.

So, just talk. Find people you trust and tell them everything, even the dark thoughts, the ones you hate yourself for thinking. You’d be surprised how many other people are thinking similar things. We are not as unique as we think. Share your happiness, your sadness, your frustrations and anger. Share your thoughts, big or small. Just keep talking. Don’t keep it bottled up. Talking to someone isn’t a weakness; it’s a skill that will stand you in good stead as you grow.

And remember that, no matter what happens, what decisions you make, the world needs you in it. There are already people who need you today (hi!), and there will be more in the future.

There are many things in life that are temporary, like money, possessions, expensive phones, flashy cars, designer clothes and popularity. None of that is real; it all changes and doesn’t hold any real value. Those things don’t make you a better person, and in time, you’ll learn that they don’t make you all that happy, certainly not in any lasting way.

Friendships are what last, even if you only have a few close friends, that’s more than enough and if you are curious and decent, the right people will find you and stick with you through thick and thin, and as you grow you’ll value them more and more.

I’ve learned up so much from you as well. The idea of becoming a father was a bit daunting, it’s a huge responsibility, but you’ve shown me patience and kindness that comes from truly seeing others. Watching you grow and learn has made me a better person, especially the patience and thoughtfulness you’ve helped me develop. You’ve encouraged me to live a good, simple life, focusing on experiences and enjoying the present moment, rather than worrying about whether our car is better than someone else’s.

You’ve helped me understand how simple life can be, as long as the people I love are safe, warm and happy, then that’s all I truly need.

Being a father has also taught me a few things I didn’t expect, including the realisation (too late in my own life) that it doesn’t matter what others think of you; you can’t please everyone and you can’t make everyone happy. Ultimately, your own happiness is what matters most. Not selfishly, but if you find a way to be happy with yourself, with who you are, if you are true to yourself, then the people in your life will reflect that and you’ll find you don’t worry about impressing them or keeping up with them. It hasn’t been an easy lesson, but I hope you can find a way to learn it yourself, a lot younger than I did.

Remember to treat others nicely; you don’t know what they are going through. It doesn’t matter if they look happy or successful, doesn’t matter the money they have, doesn’t matter their skin colour, their gender, their sexuality, their ability, their religion. Yes, you will come across some unpleasant people, but even they likely have their own struggles. Being nice isn’t always easy, but it’s usually for the best.

Let’s talk about consent. It’s quite straightforward: if someone says no, stops or seems unsure, stop and talk to them. This applies to anything, whether it’s sex, drugs or anything else. Always respect their boundaries. I’ll also emphasise the importance of respect for women. The patriarchy is a complex issue, but trust me, women need allies and support.

Also, take care of your physical health. I wish I’d done more yoga and movement, and made it a regular part of my life. My aches and pains don’t have to be yours. Learn to listen to your body, eat well, get enough sleep and be consistent with whatever movement you enjoy, but remember to treat yourself sometimes.

Lastly, try new things and explore many different activities. Practice cooking, fixing simple things, managing your money wisely and so on. You’ll inevitably make mistakes, and that’s all part of learning. Whether it’s snowboarding, ironing a shirt, sewing or making pavlova, try everything, be curious, learn from your failures and keep trying. You’ll be okay when you fail; everyone does at some point.

And please, don’t believe everything you see online. Social media isn’t real; don’t compare yourself to it. It’s always an exaggeration of a life that you’ll see posted. Find your own values, your own integrity and your own sense of self, and find a way to be happy. I don’t care what makes you happy, just that you are.

There you go. I know it’s a lot, and there’s so much more to it, but hopefully, we can talk about these things whenever you want.

There’s so much more I could say, but I’ll end by repeating something I’ve said to you every single day since you were born. I say it because life can be tough, and as you grow, you’ll realise that people don’t always see things the same way as you. But I truly believe that men need to express their emotions, be gentle, be aware of others and be respectful. Love is not something to hide, nor are tears. Emotions are challenging, but they are what makes us human. Kindness is a strength, respect others and listen to them, respect yourself and set your own boundaries and stick to them.

I love you, son.

Prompted by this: https://www.bloomsbury.com/uk/discover/superpages/non-fiction/letters-to-our-sons/ (sent to me by my wonderful mother-in-law)