Between

I am not currently employed. I will be again soon, and I’m excited to start a fresh at a new place but, for now, I am a man of leisure.

It does not suite me. I feel somewhat conflicted most days of how to spend my time and I entirely blame my parents for this.

My Dad was a do-er, a project guy, always something to do be they household chores, or home and garden improvements, there was always something to do. Increasingly, as their home settled into the shape they wanted it, my Dad was busy on the computer writing database programs for the school he worked in (he was a guidance teacher and wanted a better way to track things than on paper), or rehearsing for a choir or Burns performance, as well as all the duties of being a kind and caring Father. 

My Mum was a do-er as well, but for a large part of my childhood, my memories of her are static; knitting (paid work for a local designer), or sewing. Her health fluctuated for many years as they tried to have a second child, so my formative memories of her are what gave me my love of old movies, of Formula One, of reading and sunbathing. My Mum did a lot more than that of course, but skimming the surface of my memories and my Dad never sat still, my Mum never moved.

Neither of those statements are true, of course, but when I look at my own actions and inactions over the past couple of weeks those patterns seem to emerge. I feel that I should be busy as I’m not working, so I’ll wash and hang clothes, I’ll clean, I’ll do some home or garden improvement projects. Or I’ll sit and watch a movie, or fire up my PlayStation, or I’ll just write.

I am even managing to carve some time for me, moving more when I can (I am becoming a wild swimmer!) and let’s be honest I am indulging myself whenever I sit and watch a movie. I do so love getting engrossed in a good movie. 

My son is at nursery three days a week, Becca works two days a week so I have those two days entirely free (I could take the third day as well but it’s nice to have time with my wife that isn’t being interrupted by our son (who I love dearly!) asking us to watch the start of Lightning McQueen’s race for the 391st time!!!).

It’s odd though, not having work as a focus. It’s not a holiday per se, but in theory there is no pressure on me to do much of anything. Becca has said as much too, and yet… and yet.

If anything my main focus has been to not put pressure on myself to Get Things Done. I am chipping away at tidying up the garage so we can use it as a home gym. I’ve done some work in the garden. I’ve done a few things around the house. I’ve sat and read. I’ve swam, I’ve walked, I’ve cycled. For there will always be something that needs done, another task to add to the list. 

However I do want to get the gym finished before I start work in a couple of weeks, and maybe get the kitchen cupboards painted at last (must order the new handles!), and, and, and, so many other things I could do but if I don’t get to them, that’s ok. I finally feel able to find a balance within my own inherited traits so, while it can still be a challenge to be kind to myself, I am finding that I am able to pause now and then to remind myself that it’s ok to not be busy, just as it’s ok to BE busy – something which brings it’s own rewards.

Now, if someone could remind me of all of this in a couple of weeks time when I’m starting the new job and stressing that ALL OF A SUDDEN I have no free time to do anything, that’d be great.