Remember that complaint letter I wrote to the bank? Well they had until we got back from holiday to respond, and.. um.. OK OK I kinda forgot about it a wee bit. However, I did remember on the way home from work last night and would have been on the phone as soon as I was in the door except that, lo and behold, a letter from the bank was sitting on the doormat waiting for me.

Certain that they were writing to beg me to keep my account with them, and that the manager would be presented on my doorstep to shine my shoes for the next month, I ripped open the envelope with no small amount of gusto, and yanked the letter from within.


Dear Mr. McLean,

it said. I paused, then remembered they meant me, not my Dad (every time!). I read on.

Thank you for your recent letter,

it said. Well you are quite welcome, thought I, before remembering that I was supposed to be being STERN, after all I had COMPLAINED. How very continental of me, don’t you think?

Sternly, I glare at the letter. I read on.

I was sorry to learn that you are unhappy with the service you have received.

Well that’s nic.. ohh no, no no no, you won’t get me like that, you can charm me, your false claims of sympathy hold no truck here!

I take a deep breath, and steel myself against their attempts to toy with my emotions, I read on.

We are keen to deal with your concerns and are looking into your compliant.

You are? Ohh how nic.. now wait a minute. Enough of this pandering and niceness, it just won’t do! I’m being STERN, remember, STERN. In capitalus! I read on.

You will receive our full response shortly.

Yours sincerely,

[Lady from the bank]

What? I read on. There is nothing left to read. The letter is finished.

Three weeks. Three bloody weeks and they are still “looking into it”? I made it quite clear, crystal like a mountain spring pool, that a specific member of staff failed me, the customer, and I outlined the steps I expected the bank to take. And I get THIS!!!

STERN boils over into RAGE and ANGER, I yank the phone from it’s cradle ready to project some WRATH along the wire to some poor unsuspecting call centre drone.

Alas I yank a little too hard and manage to pull both cable and socket from the wall. A new phone will need to be purchased.

It may be the first thing bought from my new bank account.