Category: <span>Jack</span>

It was Father’s Day a few weeks ago in the UK. I wanted to capture my thoughts, it’s just taken me a while…

My first one as a Dad, with all the emotions that brings with it.

Every single day I tell my son I love him and Father’s Day was no different. It’s part of a promise I made to him when I was holding him in my arms for the first time, having just been handled this tiny little thing all bundled up in a towel. I tell my son I love him every day, I tell him I like him, I will make sure he knows this growing up and can feel confident that that will never change, that I will always be there for him. It’s important to me that Jack knows I’ll support him no matter what, the same way my own Dad did for me.

Still miss Dad. The grief gets easier but it still hurts that he isn’t around and that Jack won’t ever get to meet him. I know I’m a lot like my Dad in many ways though so a fair part of who my Dad was will be passed down anyway but I would have dearly loved to see my Dad with my son. He was such a great Grandpa to Lucy and it’s sad that Jack and Daisy won’t experience that too but we have many happy memories we can hold on to and try and pass on.

I am enjoying being a Dad. All the fears I had still linger in the background but day by day with the realisation that those fears aren’t coming true, that I might actually be ok at this whole Dad thing. I was worried about so many things, would I love him, would I want to spend time with him, would my inherent laziness and selfishness (neither of which I know are actually true) somehow prevent me from bonding with him… all nonsense now and, no doubt, many of you would have told me that anyway but such are the thoughts that swirled through my head.

Of course, none of those things are coming true and instead I’m spending time with my son, looking after him, feeding him, changing him, soothing him, and sitting with him while he plays (he’s very independent already). All of this brings so many little moments that I want to capture and hold on to, tiny moments of each day that fill my heart with more love for this tiny human who is dominating our lives and who I love so much.

Sometimes Jack will pause what he is doing, turn his head and look at me, a little smile on his face and I already know that’s all I’ll ever need from him.

Jack

Hello Jack, my son,

You arrived early, but safely, and the last few weeks we’ve been getting to know you, figuring out your needs and wants, and mostly just gazing at you in utter adoration.

You seem to be settling into life well, and I think your Mum and I are doing a pretty good job of keeping you happy, safe, warm, clean, and fed. The latter is all down to your Mum right now but that means I get to hang out with you, hold you in my arms and, so far, you don’t seem to be bored of my chat although admittedly it’s mostly been silly noises.

You’ve met the family already, Granny Morna, Grandpa Liam and Uncle Robbie were all thrilled to say hello, your Auntie Jen (keeping the family tradition going) had a special t-shirt to wear the first time you met, your cousin Lucy has had a squish and, well, your cousin Daisy is only 9 months old herself so it’s safe to say that neither of you were that aware of each other but that’ll change!

And of course Granny McLean was delighted to meet her first grandson, she’ll definitely spoil you rotten (although I think Granny Morna is up for the challenge). I am a little sad that you won’t get to meet Grandpa McLean, but trust me when I say he would’ve adored you every bit as much as I do.

I’ll roll out some cliches now because they are all true (or they wouldn’t be cliches); since the minute the nurse handed me to you, all swaddled up, I couldn’t take my eyes off you. I’ll happily confess that I cried, tears of joy streaming down my face as I looked at you, and I knew instantly that I’d do anything for you. Anything.

Since you arrived it’s been a whirlwind of feeding, napping, and changing. Ohh and noises and wriggling and smooshes. Lots of those. Cannot get enough of you, holding you, gazing at you… I may have said that already.

You are putting on weight well, feeding well (and often) and so far seem to be very chilled out, laidback little person. It’s fascinating to watch you already becoming a small boy, losing that newborn baby face, and those big eyes (just like your Mum) starting to take in the world around you. You’ve made friends with the dogs too, although right now they aren’t interested at all as you can’t play with them or give them food.

I’m your Dad.

What a sentence that is, so short but so utterly life changing in the most wonderful of ways.

I apologise now for all the bad jokes, but everything else is yours to discover. Your Mum and I will be there every step of the way as you grow, and we can’t wait to meet the adult you, regardless of what choices you make. We will be there for you, and just want you to be safe and sensible, although neither of us are sure how we will help you achieve any level of “being sensible” as, as you’ll find out soon enough, we are both a bit daft.

But we love you. More than I realised was possible.

My gorgeous boy,

Your Dad x

P.S. We have decided not to share many photos of you on social media. Only abstracts for the main part, as we want that to be your decision when you grow up.

Dad Life Jack