A letter

Dear Lloyds TSB,

Firstly I’d like to thank you for giving me a mortgage at a great rate. I’m saving over £100 a month by switching to you and I’m truly grateful.

However you might want to take a look at your internet banking facility. I’m sure a lot of people have no problem using it, but I think I’ve found a flaw. See if you mistype or forget your password, and your “memorable information” has to be, by your decision, an alphanumeric combination (which isn’t ever going to be memorable now, is it… pet’s name and birthdate or something? I mean, come ON!) then the chances are you may forget that as well. Up to this point the system works fine, you can create a new password, and phone a support line to have it activated. Perhaps this is a bit much but hey, I’m all for a secure system.

Only problem is that the only way I can be ‘validated’ is – after confirming my name, address, inside leg measurement and so on – to describe some transactions that have been through the account. Ohh but they have to be real transactions, you know, not direct debits or anything (I did ask the jolly support lady why a direct debit wasn’t deemed ‘real’ and, of course, she explained that “that     was    how    the    system    worked” – yes she said it slowly so I’d u n d e r s t a n d) so I’m stumped as I only use the account to transfer money into to pay my mortgage.

I was given two options, either make some ‘real’ transactions with the account or I could get a letter delivered which would require further phone calls. What a wonderful system. Thank you.

Yours in bewilderment,

Gordon McLean


OK, so I should have remembered the login information but I’ve only accessed the site once before. I can tell them the account number and password (but they won’t let me, you know, for security, they are obviously worried that someone hacks their phone system or that they can’t trace calls coming into their.. CALL centre), how much should be in it, how many payments I’ve made into the account but no, they weren’t ‘real’ transactions. Fuckwittery of the highest order if you ask me.

I’ve use several other secure online facilities. If I forget details at ANY of those I can have the system assign a new password, send it out by email, and require validation on the site. If they can do it, WHY CAN’T LLOYDS TSB!