Tag: Reflections

Somewhere in my head is a blog post about some things that are, naturally, close to who am I as a person. That blog post will likely be a rambling monologue, discussing depression, sexuality, relationships, and how my view of my world, and the world at large has changed and will continue to evolve.

But I’m still not ready to write it, not sure if I ever will. Such is the downside of being ‘known’, for not hiding myself behind an online persona. There are people who I just wouldn’t want to read what I wrote, not friends or family as they know me well enough. No it is the individuals who would judge, who wouldn’t understand, or who may take my honesty and openness as an invitation to think that we suddenly shared an affinity of some sort through some weird presumption that our experiences are common to one another (they are not).

I don’t make friends easily – I’ve said this before – but I do have many acquaintances. Most of the people I work with I’d consider to be an acquaintance, people who share a small part of my life but who, increasingly (and this is due to either age or seniority, I’m not sure which) I don’t want in the main part of my life. Some of the people I’ve met via this blog, or via Twitter, are definitely in that camp too, I keep my relationship with them firmly in the ‘online’ world.

Luckily I’ve also met some people online who I now consider to be my friends, I trust them and it’s only been recently that I’ve figured out why I am happy to consider some people as friends but not others, and it’s entirely down to my how I was raised by my parents.

Growing up my parents were always keen that I kept an open mind and that I should learn about something before dismissing it. I didn’t always follow their advice, but then parental advice is rarely considered in the immediacy of youth, but as a man I can look back and be thankful for the outlook it has given me. The ability to not judge someone, to at least try to understand – not necessarily agree, people who make that mistake irk me somewhat – is one that I share with those that I consider to be my friends.

What a funny word that is today in this modern world of ours. Friend. I digress.

I’m still more than capable of making bad, snap, judgements but I honestly believe in the following two, somewhat overused phrases “live and let live” and “life is too short”.

Of course this is all easy to say, harder to do.

Last year, towards the end of the summer I realised that I was feeding off the bile and ire of some of my acquaintances (online and off) and I decided I would do my best to, gently, remove those influences from my life. I rarely set out to hurt people, if ever, and whilst I can be selfish and short-sighted at times, there is never any malice in my actions.

But not everyone shares my view of the world, this murky grey mish-mash of emotions, thoughts, desires and wants. And neither they should.

I’m in an open relationship with an amazing woman, I’m comfortable with my lifestyle, happy with my sexuality, and whilst I have depression for the majority of days it behaves and stays locked in its box. None of this defines me, nor allows you to say you know me.

But then – and I’ve said this here before too – those that matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter.

I’m a creature of habit, of routine. I’m not the greatest at handling change so it has taken me a little by surprise when I realised that in the past few months I’ve made some changes. Mostly based around how I use my computer; I’ve changed my main browser from Firefox to Chrome, dumped Delicious and moved to Pinboard, ditched Remember the Milk for Wunderlist, and I’m currently looking at leaving Flickr and taking (a smaller set of) my photos to a different service, probably 500px.

Elsewhere I’ve been slowly changing things, as well. Trying to find more time to read, making more of an effort to cook healthy meals, doing a little more exercise. A large chunk of the year has been spent, I now realise, in rediscovering myself, finding out more about who I am. A completely honest appraisal of me. It was painful at times, I got a lot of it wrong but now, now it all feels right.

All of these changes have been subtle, and weren’t part of any grand plan other than a general theme of ‘better’, but it seems to be working for the most part and I hope to continue this approach in 2012.

That said, some things didn’t change the way I thought they would as I didn’t do much in the way of writing in any form, either here or anywhere else. I kept a private diary for a while, sporadically still do, and I could blame Twitter, or Facebook, for this but as neither of those are places I would use to publish any form of ‘writing’ I just have to admit that I’ve lost the joy (need?) of publishing. My “social media interactions” have moved on, it seems.

This post isn’t about resolutions, I don’t really do them although there are ‘themes’ for this year but as I’m still getting over the vestiges of my Hogmanay cold I’m not yet willing to admit it’s 2012 proper.

So, for me, 2012 will be about ‘better’ and most definitely about ‘happier’.

2011 was a year of highs and lows. Unfortunately the lows ruled the day but then, without them, I wouldn’t be set to have, what I’m determined will be, an awesome 2012.

Ohh original… using a Queen song for the title…

But that’s the thing, I’m not here often, not writing, not capturing my thoughts for all to see. In fact I hardly write much of anything at all. No time at work (cos, you know, I’m Working) and no time at home (cos, you know, I’m working).

Most of the time it doesn’t bother me, I don’t MISS writing for this blog, I still write for my other “professional” blog but have had little to no inspiration for that other place where I tell tales, or to put it more accurately, I post all the waffly, badly written prose that I pretend is me being creative.

But then, sometimes, I think I’d quite like to take a couple of hours to just write. No interruptions, no deadlines, no expectations, because when I’ve tried to force myself to write something (aka Blogger’s guilt) it ends up being forced, rushed and looking back at some of those posts I wonder why I published them. But hey, published and be damned, and all that.

This blog has never had a real focus so it’s easy to let it drift, easy to find excuses as to why I don’t.

But then, why do I need an excuse?

Hmmm, this is turning into one of those “why do I blog? why should I blog? my blog is for me, screw you!” style musings. Which, for me, is interesting as I wasn’t sure what I was going to write but, for you, I’d imagine, dear reader, is more than a little tedious and… why are you still reading?

This blog is a diary. I have, and will continue to, use it to capture events in my life. Mostly because I have a shocking memory, but also because I like to write. I enjoy words, less so grammar (never been one for rules), and find the act of relaxing into a writing ‘zone’ very soothing. Almost regardless of what I’m writing about.

And now, I’m here.

At the end of this post.

When is too many, too many?, originally uploaded by Gordon.

I may have a problem.

In this photo there are 11 sets of headphones.

• 3 – Sony MDR-ED 21LP
• 1 – Apple iPhone set, with inline mic
• 1 – generic headset with mic
• 1 – Sennheiser PX100
• 1 – Sennheiser PX200
• 1 – Sennheiser EH1430
• 1 – Sennheiser PMX70
• 1 – Griffin Tunebuds
• 1 – a-JAYS Three

I have a further 2 sets of generic iPod (white) headphones, and one set of Bose In Ear headphones which I use at work.

That’s 14 sets of headphones.

Fourteen.

FOURTEEN!

Update: I started writing this post mid-tidy up of some boxes full of cables, about 10 mins after publishing I’ve finished the tidy and found… another set of headphones (silver versin of the Sony MDR-ED 21LP).

FIFTEEN FRICKIN’ SETS OF HEADPHONES!!

I need help.

Anyone wanna buy a set of headphones from me?