Tag: Reflections

I aspire.

I desire.

(I perspire).

I want.

But, it seems, it’s just not meant to be.

Whilst I can appreciate art in many forms, place value on the productions of others, it seems that I’m just not particularly creative.

Not that I can’t be creative to a certain level but I’ve long since realised my limitations in that area.

But realisation doesn’t stop the longing, the niggling feeling that I should be able to create something that is borne from me, something with meaning and value.

So I keep trying.

I conjure up word play in silly stories, blast out blog posts, tinker with web pages, play with photography.

None of it sticks.

But that’s ok.

Every time I try I learn something else, there are no failures, how can there be? I’m not doing any of it for anyone but me, so as judge and jury it is my own counsel that is silently kept. My inner critic happily announces that my latest offering is “not quite good enough”, or “could be better”, and the expectation is set anew.

I wonder how it would be were I to look at something I’ve created and instantly think “yes, that’s good”.

Will I ever know?

Regardless.

Happily imperfect.

Around this time last year I realised that I had already begun my resolution. Not that I do the whole New Year Resolution thing, and technically this change of attitude had already kicked in but, regardless, it became a bit of a theme for me.

Largely my focus was to avoid negativity and, for the most part, I did pretty well. I relaxed. I calmed. I stepped away from conflict.

Sure, I screwed up a few times but that’s part of life.

So, what will this year hold? No resolutions but another change in attitude for sure, I can say that with some confidence because it’s already started. A determination has, over the past month, slowly been building and as other pieces of my life fall into place I think 2013 will be a good year. Of course I’ve no idea if that will hold true but the signs are good.

Some things that are definitely going to happen, new tattoos (I have one still to book for my last birthday), Glastonbury, and I turn 40.

The latter might be more of a driver than I care to admit.

There is one thing that I am going to focus on. Not the guitar lessons (which I got a starter of for my Christmas from my gorgeous girl!), not the weight loss and general ‘health kick’ which I will get back on, not the hope of reading more books, not the desire to spend less time wasting time (Playstation, social media consumption), instead I’m going to focus on the one thing which I already know has a big impact on me and my life.

Sleep.

I’m a bit of a night owl, always have been, but add in my desire to manage my own mood in the morning by avoiding traffic and most nights I’ll end up with 6-7 hrs sleep. That’s fine really, but it’s the weekends that skew things. Late nights I can handle but I’m beginning to realise that the long lie-ins add to my ‘I should be doing something’ itch.

Don’t get me wrong, some mornings they are needed, and I do love lying in bed next to Kirsty, supping coffee and swapping stories, jokes, pics and anecdotes (from Twitter, Facebook  and so on, obviously), but some mornings I end up with that nagging feeling in the back of my brain, the voice that says “you could’ve been out for a cycle and back by now”, or “why not go for a nice walk”.

I’m going to try and start listening to that voice a little bit more often I think.

I have been converted.

It started as a bit of a whim, a bit of a ‘hey, I might try that’ but it’s already blossomed into a wonderful ritual and, quite possibly, the beginning of a slightly fetishistic obsession.

I’ve started reading blogs about it, watching videos about it, and with each new piece of paraphernalia I discover I disappear down yet another rabbit hole of delight, a warren of wonder awaits.

For many years, every since I started doing it when I was barely into my teens, I’ve not really given it much thought. You learn one way of doing it and go with the flow don’t you. Sure there are trends and new ideas that come on the scene but, fundamentally, things don’t really change.

But I’ve finally seen the light and in the last couple of weeks, despite the odd mishap, I’ve been converted to a new way of thinking. There is something about the fact it takes a little longer, that it needs attention to detail and a slow, steady hand, that appeals. It’s not often in today’s hectic rush that we take the time to do something properly, although I think it’s a trend that is reappearing as we all start to rebel against the manic pace of modern life.

If I’m honest, I was a bit wary at first but it took only one go to convince me that I had found a wonderful thing. It’s a bit like discovering that there is coffee beyond Nescafe, fillet steak beyond McDonalds hamburgers.

I can still remember that slightly nervous feeling I had but the minute I was finished, and ran my hand over my face I was amazed!! Who knew switching to a double-edged safety razor would have such an effect!!

What prompted this? One article on the excellent Wirecutter website on the best safety razor (seriously, check it out, if you want the best of things this is the place to go).

If I’ve piqued your interest, then I’d suggest you do a quick bit of learning and as an inexpensive way to start, as you probably already have shaving gel, grab this Wilkinson Sword Blades Classic Double-Edged Razor +5 Blades for less than £7.

The handle is plastic, so it’s light and easy to use and after a couple of shaves you’ll have the basics down. You will notice an immediate difference to those safety bladed shaves you are used to, and yes there is an increased danger you’ll nick yourself so be careful.

If, like me, you like the better things in life, you’ll start to look around for something a bit classier and soon you’ll realise that there is a wealth of choice available. You’ll probably want to look into getting a good shaving brush, soap, and a heavier weighted shaving handle and the minute you start reading up on this stuff, well it could take you weeks.

If it helps, here is my current setup:

• Merkur Model 180 Long Handled Safety Razor
• Edwin Jagger Ivory-Coloured Plastic Handle Pure Badger Hair Shaving Brush
• Crabtree & Evelyn Nomad Shave Soap
• Universal Brush and Razor Stand
• 10 Derby & 10 Merkur & 10 Feather Double Edge Safety Razor Blades Sample Pack.
• Nix 5g Styptic Pencil

It’s not that cheap to get started and I’ve yet to get a shaving mug (used to generate a good thick lather) as I’m still learning the best way to handle the razor but it’s next on the list, but once you have the basics, the only things you need to replace over time is the shaving soap (or creme) and the blades themselves. The rest of the kit should last a lifetime.

A while ago, I had a shave with a cut throat razor. It was a gift, the full experience, hot towels, preparation balm, massage, before the shave itself. I can honestly say that I am getting a better shave with my current setup (although that’s likely down to the training of the woman that shaved me, and I’m not convinced her blade was sharpened properly either).

I urge you all to try it, even if you start with the cheap Wilkinson option, it will change your approach to shaving and become something you enjoy, rather than a chore.

I am having fun.

This must be true because time is flying, it seems like only yesterday we were wandering round Edinburgh Zoo! Since then, we’ve had gigs, trips to London and Manchester and, all of a sudden, it’s December and Christmas looms large.

Most years I’d take this week and next week to slowly get up to speed, get the cards written and posted, get the Christmas tree up, buy and wrap pressies and all that nonsense but unfortunately I’m already running out of time.

This week, I have this evening and Thursday evening free. Friday afternoon/evening is our team Xmas lunch which means Saturday will likely find me a little hungover and on Sunday, at around 6.30am, I’ll be at the airport ready to fly off for a week in the US of A. California for a couple of days, Massachusetts for a couple of days and then back home at 8am on the following Saturday… just in time for the Company Christmas Party that night!

It’s been a funny old year. Life has thrown some curveballs and in keeping with the well-known saying we made curveade… no, that’s not right… whatever, it’s been more ups and downs and as ever I wouldn’t change a thing, it’s all part of the journey.

As I’ve said to many others this past year, I’m happy. And that is all that really matters. I have a wonderful woman in my life who loves me, I have a good job, I have the best friends and a supportive family. It’s true, I’m a lucky son of a bitch!

Of course, that doesn’t mean things couldn’t be better. I’m still struggling to lose weight, I plateau’d around June but I’m taking some solace that it’s not gone back on, and I still can’t play the guitar.

Regardless, I feel like I know myself better. My sense of identity is stronger, and I feel like I’m finding my place in this weird world we live in.

I’ll admit it. It’s good to be me.

What are your passions?

Life continues on an upward trajectory.

I am a rocket!

God, I’ve lost the point of this already? Why on earth do I bother?

Ahhh that’s it! Passion!

No, not the bodice-ripping type from a Jackie Collins novel (is that even right?), but the type that makes you get up in the morning because you want to get something done. The type of passion that drives creative people, or those who like to be active, to get up and go do something they love.

I know many of these types of people. Some border on the obsessive, it seems like it’s all they think about, others have private hobbies in which they happily lose themselves for hours or days on end.

The thing is, I’m not sure I have one.

For a while I thought that was a bad thing but recently I’ve realised it’s not.

It’s something I’ve mentioned here before and it still irks me at times, but less so as time passes. I think I’ve finally realised that what I’m passionate about is everything. I enjoy the fact that I’m reasonably good at a few things, that I have reasoned opinions on a number of topics. It also explains why certain types of people bore the tits off me when they only have one topic of conversation (and that’s even before we get to those people who turn every single conversation into one about themselves). I digress.

I go through fads (not fashions) of my own making. Recently I re-discovered the simple joy of building Lego. There is something relaxing about switching off most of your cognitive function, and following simple instructions. You don’t need to extrapolate, to consider, there is no need to revise or improve upon what is laid in front of you. Given that most of my working day is spent in that headspace, the appeal of Lego is kinda obvious.

But that’s fading now, been there, done that. What’s next?

Maybe I’m going to get back into reading? Or that dusty guitar might actually get some of my attention?

Who knows, and more importantly, who cares? I know that I will find something to capture my gaze and keep me occupied, it may be something which stirs up some passion in me for a while but it too will fade. Circumstance will play it’s part, of course, funnily enough I’m not quite as passionate about cycling now the days are mostly cold and wet, and whilst I will always look on with a level of jealousy when I see those passionate people talking about something they love, but I will take solace in the fact that I am passionate about one specific thing.

Living life.

You see, what stops me being passionate about one thing in particular is that I don’t really understand why you’d limit yourself in that way. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, just that it doesn’t sit well within my mental model of me. I’m aware of my weakness when it comes to detail so deep-diving on a topic isn’t something I really find comfortable. I’ll tend to get as much out of something as I want and then stop, even if that means missing out on something vital. I’ll take shortcuts where I can too so my general approach to learning and information assimilation isn’t really suited to the role of being a specialist.

In my day job that’s been to my advantage and, I’m realising with increasing frequency, it suits me just fine in other aspects of my life.

In short, but when has brevity ever been a consideration here, I’m passionate about being passionate about lots of different things at different times.

Which is, probably, more similar to other people than I think.

Once again, I end a blog post with a massive non-conclusion.

/ENDS

About a year ago, maybe more, I started writing (sporadically) in a journal and I’m quite surprised that I’ve kept it going, even though how I use it has changed.

I’ve always enjoyed the process of writing, this blog is testimony to that, but even before there was this place called the internet which I could pollute with the detritus of my mind I’ve always had a fondness for the written word. I can remember spending an evening with a girlfriend where we wrote down questions and answers for each other, passing sheets of paper back and forth. Even then, as a naive teenager, I realised that I preferred that form of communication over, say, actually telling someone what you thought.

Of course I’ve grown up a bit since then, not much mind you, but I still fall back on the written word and the process of writing as a way to get a handle on things I don’t really understand.

• Why do I get so annoyed when plans change?
• What was it that happened that makes me cringe when I have to get my hands dirty?
• Am I inherently lazy and selfish or is there more to me than that?

The last few years have been amazing and I’ve learned so much about myself, about who I am (rather than who I want to be), and where my life may be heading. I’ve written a lot in my journal, not all of it has been positive, sometimes I wrote in anger, letting the emotions drive the words knowing that that flash of emotion would fade quickly, sometimes I paused to recognise just how many blessings I have to count, and sometimes it’s good to reflect on how lucky I am. The over arching theme remains though, it’s a place where I dump my thoughts so they can stew for a while.

More recently I’ve been looking back over what I’ve written, seeing the change in tone and in emphasis as I start to understand things better. I can see that I’ve made steps to put myself in a better place, some of which I’ve mentioned here, and that even in the past six months things have, once again, changed for the better. Of course it’s not all about how wonderful my life is (it is pretty fucking wonderful to be honest), and there will always be days which are challenging but, as I learnt recently, there is no such thing as a good day or a bad day, they are all just days and there is always a tomorrow, a new day, lurking around the corner.

With those realisations I notice that I’m now using my journal much more as a memory store. I’ve started feeding in other data, not just the random wanderings of my brain, but the photos I take, the places I’ve been, the music I’ve listened to, and I’m finding that has value as well (not just because my memory is awful!).

In fact it’s occurring to me now that, whilst I’ve struggled to instil new habits in other parts of my life, my journal has been a constant companion for a few years now. I wonder what it’ll feel like to look back on it in another year or two. Where will I be then? WHO will I be then?

For once I don’t really care about the answers to those questions, I will be wherever I am and I’ll be whoever I’ve become, but I do know I’m really looking forward to finding out.