Tag: Reflections

My Own Christmas Carol

It’s early December, and I’m helping my Dad get the boxes down from the attic. Christmas music is playing in the living room whilst Mum declutters the everyday ornaments to make room for decorations and festive bits and bobs.

We unpack the familiar glitz and glitter and start to untangle the fairy lights. One set doesn’t work and so, armed with a spare bulb, one by one I work my way down the chain to find the fault.

Unfurling and clipping together shiny hanging ornaments that will hang in doorways. The Merry Christmas banner above the alcove in the back room. The step ladder is brought in from the cold of the garage and long trains of foil covered paper is pinned in arcs from ceiling corners to the central cornice. More contents spill from the boxes, the candle holder of coloured glass blocks, the carved santas for the fireplace, the delicate glass candle holders, and the wooden merry-go-round needs rebuilt for the hall table.

Finally the tree is constructed, the lights wrapped round and round, then the tinsel, then the ageing ornaments; some made by a younger me, some inherited, some new this year. After that chocolates are hidden amongst branches, then we all step back and squint at the lights, Mum directing us to move that row of lights there, change that ornament to a lower branch, until she is happy. The fairy atop the tree looks down with a smile.

In the weeks leading up to Christmas, the received cards are added to one of many cardholders adourning the walls. The fridge starts to fill, the baking begins to make sure there is plenty of food when neighbours come calling.

My christmas stocking is laid out on one of the living room armchairs, my sisters on the other, waiting for my parents to fill it. I still have my stocking, the sequins my Mother sewed on all those years ago are dulled and battered, the felt material thinning with time.

I don’t remember a time when I believed in Santa Claus but back then I was more than happy to go along with it for my younger sister, after all that meant more presents for me.

And so, all of a sudden it’s Christmas morning, and I’m tumbling downstairs with my sister, fuelled by her excitement to see what wonders Santa has left us. Switching on the tree lights, trying to be quiet. My parents would follow later and, sitting in our dressing gowns we’d show them what Santa had brought us! Then breakfast and time to open the presents waiting under the tree, the gifts from Aunts and Uncles. We’d munch chocolates as we sat amongst our shared bounty and for those brief hours the rest of the world faded away to nothing. Just our little family, my sister and I playing with toys, Dad already reading a book, my Mum drinking tea with a smile on her face whilst Sintra mooched around in the hope of a chocolate or two.

With our presents opened – a controlled affair with a list of who bought what carefully noted (to make sure our thank you letters would be accurate) – we’d be ushered to wash and dress. Then to the car and the quiet roads on the way to our grandparents house. A Merry Christmas to the toll booth operators on the Erskine Bridge, and a wee gift for them too (shortbread and a miniature of whisky), and then on to Rutherglen.

Bursting through the front door, my sister and I would shout our hellos and veer right, turning into the living room. My Gran always had a real tree, and for a few years before my sister arrived I would wake there during the festive period, negotiating pine needles in the hallway as I snuck in to find the last few sweet treasures hidden amongst the branches.

Chocolates found we’d follow our parents down the hall to be spoiled rotten by my Gran. Grandpa sitting in his chair would smile and laugh, my sister capturing his attention as she explained what Santa had brought her. Christmas dinner would follow, in the later years at my parents house, but regardless of where we’d eat the same stupor of Christmas evening would follow. I don’t recall much about those evenings, TV specials and Christmas family movies, with occasional fridge raids for leftovers, crisps from the big box bought at the cash-n-carry as a late night treat, washed down with Schloer.

And then it was Boxing Day. Leftover trifle for breakfast, a tradition that remains to this day, and a visit from (or to, we took turns about each year) my Aunt Anne who lived just around the corner. Another tradition maintained as we listed or showed all the presents we got, and who we got them from (a process repeated over the coming days as more aunts and uncles visited).

After that, a gentle rhythm of visiting family and friends, mince pies, marzipan balls and whatever else my sweet-toothed Father had created (coconut macaroons, mint fondants, chocolate truffles, and more). Reading The Broons or Oor Wullie annuals, completing jigsaws, building Mechano sets, or exploring all of the Action Man kits and equipment for future tactical operations in the wilds of the back garden.

Then, all of a sudden, it would be Hogmanay. The night where the adults would stay up and congregate in one of the houses of the street, laughing and shouting in good spirits. The years at our house I’d sit on the top step, listening to the sounds carrying up the stairs, ducking out of view as someone visited the ‘half-landing’ (as my Gran used to call it to save her from saying ‘the bathroom’ or some other crude word). She would be downstairs too in later years, enjoying a ‘little refreshment’, Martini Bianco or Drambuie.

Such are the traditions of my childhood Christmas. The memories all fold and merge into one, presents long forgotten, but a sense of the excitement and love remains palpable. Like everyone we had turkey, crackers with party hats and terrible jokes, we were allowed to eat too many sweets on Boxing Day, and if an Aunt bought us a jumper of course we would wear it when we visited them. But it’s those early memories with my little sister, the shared Christmas mornings with the dog snuffling around in the hope of a misplaced treat, my parents hugging and thank each other despite always getting the same presents each year (apparently jigsaws and liquorice are the way to their hearts), these are the memories that define my Christmases past.

Christmas as it is today has some similarities but time moves on and the cast has changed. Grandparents are gone, my parents have moved from the old family house, and I will wake and rise to my own schedule with no eager sister rushing me downstairs. I’ll drive to Dumbarton to be with my family but there will be no mooching dog under our feet.

These days I have newer traditions and on the 27th my closest friends and I gather for drinks and food and much laughter. It’s rapidly become the highlight of the festive season. We all bring food and, come late evening, the cocktail experiments start (Four Fingers of Fun anyone?), the Rod of Innuendo has been handed to several different people, and there is talk of party games.

But Christmas has changed, or I have, or the world has, I dunno.

Is it because I’m getting older that this time of year doesn’t feel as special? Or is it just inevitable that I’m looking back fondly on a time I know is gone?

This year is different though, this year there will be new traditions to begin with my still not-quite-one year old niece. It feels like a good time to start something new, to try and rekindle some of the magic of Christmas through her eyes, to start some new traditions. I can only hope that she too can look back on her early Christmases with the same happily tear-tinged nostalgia as I do (maybe that’s why the Christmas lights on the tree sparkle so much? Shut up, YOU’VE got something in your eye).

So, yes, time for some new traditions, an update, a handing of the baton to the newest generation of the family with all the hope and love that entails. I hope she can find her own traditions in time, and maybe even borrow from some that are already in place.

Although I really hope she doesn’t think she’ll be getting any of my Boxing day trifle.

Nosce te ipsum

I hate myself. I just ‘verbed a noun’ and I can’t un-see it and now I’ll have to admit it and tell you that the original title for this post was ‘Do you journal?’ … I KNOW!! So there you go. Please don’t judge me (too harshly).

(Who am I kidding, I know all of you are judging me… and when I say ‘all’, I mean ‘both of you’ dearest readers)

And yes, clearly the only route to salvation was to go for a latin title instead. Honestly, sometimes I despair.

I digress.

I wanted to ask if anyone else keeps a journal? Or a diary? If you do, why? What got you started, and what benefits are you seeing because of it?

Diaries

The first diary I remember was my Mum’s five-year diary. It was maybe A5 sized, quite thick, and covered in a bright red faux leather. It came with a little lockable tab to hold it closed and keep prying eyes out. I think it was the lock that piqued my interest, a small sign that important things lay inside. To this day I’ve no idea what she wrote in it (or if she wrote anything at all) but once I understood what it was for it must have stuck in my head; the idea that something personal, the words that someone would write in a diary, were important enough to be under lock and key was probably when I first started taking ‘words’ seriously.

During a recent clear-out I came across some items my parents had saved from when I was a child. One of them was, I think, a diary written at school. In it were page after page of memories that leap off the page in front of me – I’ve written about these before – and which mark my first venture into keeping a diary.

It wasn’t something I stuck with, and it was many years before the notion of writing up what had happened during a day came back around.

Journals

Writing a journal is something that was recommended to me many years ago by a counsellor. Out of that came my … ‘journalling’ habit (seriously, I’m about to punch myself in the face) and it’s something I’ve turned to on and off since then and, whilst sometimes the entries I’ve written have ended up being published here, the overwhelming majority remain private. Safe and sound, under (virtual) lock and key.

I use an app (cos I’m a geek) called Day One for my journal. It runs on my phone so sometimes I’ll use it to capture fleeting thoughts, and sometimes I sit down deliberately to write as a way to analyse my mood at a given time or before/after an event.

It’s equally as important, and this is something my counsellor pushed me to do regularly, to look back over previous entries, as painful as that can be. Although I do have to be careful to make sure I don’t skew the events, and thoughts and emotions from the past, as it can be easy to (re)shape them after the fact to how I want my world view to be reflected, rather than the reality I was capturing at the time.

I’ve always found writing cathartic – do you think I’d still be publishing this nonsense here if I didn’t? – but some of the things I write are for me and me only. My journal gives me a place to store the musings, the random scribbles, the illicit thoughts, the deepest of my desires and dreams, and the most friviolous and fanciful of my ponderings (a lot of my journal is ‘what if’ scenarios, none of which are ever likely to come to fruition, although I have learned that writing them down can make acting on them a little less scary if the situation arises).

More recently it’s a habit I’ve returned to with some gusto. It’s not quite daily but as good as, and most entries are longer than the few rambling paragraphs that I have a tendency to dump in there towards the end of the day. However I also realised that whilst I was writing more, the process didn’t feel as fulfilling. Was I writing in it just to keep a habit going? If so why is the habit so important? What value is this giving me?

So I took a step back to figure out why I was still journalling writing in a journal (ahhh that’s better) and realised I was largely going over and over the same thought patterns, with little variation. It seemed like the benefits I was used to getting were no longer working.

I felt stuck.

Prompted

Around the same time, in one of those lovely moments that seem to occur too often to be a coincidence, the ever wonderful Swiss Miss posted a link to these Know Yourself prompt cards.

As the name suggests, it’s a series of prompts, with one prompt per card. On the front of each card is a prompt, a topic to ponder. Once you’ve written your thoughts you flip the card over and on the back there is a perspective or associated thought which, so far, has been far more revealing than I imagined it could be. Re-reading what I’ve written in light of these has been enlightening.

Since I started to use the cards, I’ve found myself writing more considered pieces of introspection, slowly chipping away at some fundamental beliefs, analysing some statements some friends and family have made in the wake of my recent break ups, and processing the world as I now see it, all to help me better understand my place in it.

Ultimately it feels like my journal has returned to where it started. It’s helping me revisit my id, helping me challenge my own self-perception, and most recently I think it’s helped me figure out some fundamentals about my own needs and desires that had escaped me for many years (the why of them, not the what).

Know thyself, a wise person once said, and they were right. It’s not easy though, but one thing I have learned over the past few years is that, more often than not, the easy road is the least fulfilling.

And how do I know I know that? Because I read it in my journal.


In case you aren’t sure: What is the difference between a journal and a diary?

Less to say

I’ve hit a strange point in my use of social media recently. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing but I am definitely using it less.

I don’t check Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram multiple times a day, and some days not at all, and as such I’m posting less and less too. In fact if anything I’m preferring Instagram these days.

Why? Because there is too much and I don’t have the energy to sift through it to find the good stuff.

Too many opinions, too many in-jokes, too many overlapping conversations I am not a part of, too much noise, too much hate, too much love, too much silliness, too much, too much, too much.

Obviously what I take from social media is down to me but I am finding that my tolerance for somethings has been dropping recently and, more often than feels healthy, I just get narked by all of it.

This is largely down a distinct lack of energy on my part. I’m eating healthily(ish) and walking more to get some level of exercise, but my current job is proving to be very mentally draining. Every day I feel exhausted, every day feels like a battle (and it’s not just me, the others in my direct team say the same). The advantages of contract life mean I leave my work in the office but, of course, that’s not how it really works. I may not have the laptop or my notebook but my brain still churns.

It’s not just social media either, I’m reading less – I don’t think I’ve finished a single book in the last couple of months, whilst I was averaging over 2 per month at the start of the year – and I’m not as productive with my ‘down’ time, with even the basic things like keeping my flat tidy (which I’ll admit is a bit of a ‘thing’ for me) has slipped.

And that’s why I’m more inclined to avoid social media. Without enough energy to gather my elephants* they steam in all angry and ranty and make a mess.

My get up and go seems to have got up and gone I’m not sure where, nor how to get it back, or even if I’m that bothered.

Maybe I’m actually just learning to detach and slow down, to stop worrying about “What’s next?” (guess who’s been re-watching the West Wing recently), and to appreciate just not doing very much at all. Maybe.

Wow, this is a long winded post to say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, but isn’t it ever so.

* What is the rider and elephant metaphor? From behavioral psychology, a theory that suggests we have two sides: An emotional/automatic/irrational side (the elephant), and an analytical/controlled/rational side (its rider).

According to the model, the rider is rational and can plan ahead, while the elephant is irrational and driven by emotion and instinct. We have to find the balance between the two.

My own comfort

Despite what I might try to insist, to myself and others, I prefer my own company to that of others.

That’s not to say I don’t enjoy being with other people, those that I love, and those that I like enough to tolerate (I kid, I kid!) but when I’m feeling in need of comfort I tend to look to myself.

I put it down to spending the first 8 or so years of my life as an only child.

Back then I learned to lose myself in my own imagination, later transferring that skill to reading and I revelled in the silence that that solitude brings, lost in a page turner, oblivious to the passing of time with only myself for company. Bliss.

I sound like a curmudgeon, a grumpy hermit who shuns people.

I’m really not like that and most of the time I like nothing better than to be in the company of someone I love, or people I care about. I enjoy being out and about, chatting nonsense over a drink, or sharing stories over coffee (or vice versa, of course), often with the futile hope that those moments won’t end.

They always do, of course, and then I’m back to being alone with myself and the familiar comfort of me.

When I think of comfort I don’t tend to think of soft blankets, down filled pillows or luxuriously soft leather chairs, I don’t think of hearty meals rich in carbohydrate and protein that warm me from within. When I’m feeling low, regardless of the reason, I don’t think of others, I think of me.

That makes me sound selfish and in those moments I know I can be uncaring and brutal.

Fuck this and leave me alone, I’ll be fine. Go. I’ll be fine.

Away from noises I can’t control (stop breathing so loud!), away from distractions that break the reverie (why can’t you sit at peace!), and away from my desire to be accommodating of others in any way, shape or form, I lose all will and energy for patience and compromise. Birds are singing too loud, car engines are revved too much, the scrolling clouds that change the light cast into the room torment me. Everything that I can’t control is wrong.

It’s an odd sort of comfort I admit; being able to switch off the part of my brain that has me double checking things. If I get up from the sofa I don’t need to check if anyone wants anything whilst I’m up, I don’t need to ask if anyone minds if I change the channel on the TV, nor if it’s ok to just sit in silence and read a book, no interactions unless required, no niceties, impolite and brusque.

I’m glad I don’t seek this comfort often.

It’s an odd thing really, it’s at odds with the rest of my personality, the part of me that everyone can see, the part of me I identify with is outgoing, friendly, and I hope kind and considerate. When I get up I’ll ask if you want anything while I’m on my feet, I’ll double check plans to make sure everyone is happy with them, I will compromise myself when I can to make things better for others.

That’s me, not the horrible, blunt, silent lump I can be at times.

But that lump is still me. Those thoughts of silent comfort, hidden away from the world still persist, they are part of me every day. I’m glad that most days I barely register having to put those thoughts away, but I acknowledge they are always there.

This is who I am.

When you aren’t around, when everyone is gone, I only think of me.

I have a switch

The switch doesn’t make a sound.

From on to off and back again. Proximity is all that’s needed to tumble the switch and I am who you see.

Then when the world retreats again I switch back.

It’s more noticeable, to me at least, when I’m tired. The music choices change, different tracks are skipped.

If I’m tired I head to melancholy, long assumed to be my resting state, my natural place. I like it there, it’s familiar and comfortable. A soft blanket on a cold day. The soporific warmth of the summer sun carrying me away. I don’t see it as a bad place these days, I’ve made my peace with the quiet noise in my head.

When well rested I become more of the person most people think they know, I wear the mask of me far easier. The persona doesn’t tire me as much, resistance drops and the music kicks up in tempo and volume. I have all the spoons I need.

Hmmmm, I wonder if I could measure my mood by BPM? Higher, faster, SCREAM FOR MORE!

By the same logic I know I can sometimes hack my mood. A building tempo, thumping bass, and I can feel my outgoing, laughing and joking recklessness pulse into my veins with every beat, pulling my heart along in time to a happier place.

I like it here too, thoughts are lighter. Things are better, easier, not as easily weighed down by the what ifs.

Such moods are quick, a light breeze changes my course and with it a new mood is revealed. Floating on a current of happiness, with love in my sails, I never veer too far from this route these days, but there are always storms ahead, whirlpools and crashing waves that try and tip me over.

I turn the music up and the sea calms once more.

Every night I sleep on clear waters, the gentle sway soothes me.

Every morning I wake and wonder which me I’ll be today.

Not that you’d know.

The proximity sensors kick in, the switch flips. It doesn’t make a sound. You never know.

I am always the me you know.

Walking Home

The bell finally rings and as one we rise, chairs scrabble across worn tiles as the dull intonation from the teacher behind her desk – take your time and remember to do your homework – bounces and echoes round the room with no ear willing to catch it. We all want out. The first of us stream down the corridor and quickly overwhelm the metal door, with all its dull edges and cross hatched safety glass, that marks the boundary of our freedom. We spill forth; the thundering of feet on the ground where we play, a tumult of immature noises rising and merging as the classrooms empty.

At the main entrance to the playground the parents await. Some are peering keenly, trying to desperately spot their child amongst the bustle, to pick their beloved face from the mass the rushes towards them so they can wave and call. Other parents stand back and chat with a practiced weary distraction, these are the parents of the older children, the Primary 5s and up, they’ve been waiting there for years, know the ritual well and are fed up of being told just HOW EMBARASSING it is that they even exist at this point in time, this crossover from school attendee to escaped convict.

BY the time I’m old enough, as I live close to the school, I’m trusted to make my own way home. My independence comes with the realisation of control. I can choose my route home, who I walk with, the pace I walk at, when I stop, when I start.

There are three exits from the playground we are allowed to use (the front of the school is out of bounds), one to the left, two to the right. The main exit is on the right, but I can leave by either if I choose. Beyond the school walls further choices can be made; stick to Bonhill Road or Townend Road (right and left exits respectively). After that decision more choices are revealed; veer off Bonhill Road and through the old folks home, head for Round Riding Road (which opens an additional two routes and so on). But most days I stick to one route. The lane.

The school is an old red sandstone building, the playground surrounded by a 1000 foot high wall made of thick stones that will stand there until time ends. At the main exit, there is a sloping gap in the wall, wide enough for a car, through which most of the children pour. But further along the wall there is a smaller space, big enough for a door though it has never had one that I’ve seen. That is where I head, away from the many to the path of the few.

Some days I run, desperate to be first, to be away, to be alone on my walk, to avoid the pushes and trips, the jostles and shouts, as long as I am first to edge of the playground I know the majority will turn right and walk down the street to another place as few of us turn left as I do. To be first doesn’t guarantee sanctuary, but does bring a thin veil of protection.

If I’m not first, I try to be last. I deliberately fumble at the zipper of my jacket, I slowly pull my satchel over my arms and onto my back, I saunter the corridor and as I finally leave my hand touches the warmed metal handle of the door, the recent ghosts of classmates still lingering there. Ahead of me, shouts ring out, an inflatable football slaps against stone, a goal scored in a never ending game. Once through the door I pause at the top of the steps and watch the herd as it retreats, slowly splitting in two, left and right. Walking slowly through the playground I follow the rest that are heading my way, wondering if I can sneak past them all, knowing I can’t so lingering as long as I can, aware that the janitor will soon sweep me up and chase me out.

The lane was there from an early age, as soon as I was trusted to make my own way home safely I knew it would be mine. In latter years the bullying dictated I follow the same strategy but with military precision, to be first or last was key and that decision soon came to be habit. To this day I am first, early for things, pushing ahead and not looking back.

The few that walk that lane know each other, our houses and homes on a similar route, and we know the lane that leads away from the school and eventually back to the main road. We know where the puddles form when it rains, where the nettle patches will reach out to scrape bare legs in the summer. The lane traces the backs of gardens and passes by a large patch of (still to this day) vacant ground. Long grasses, wild bushes and trees claimed it long ago and in the warm months, if you walk very carefully, or stay a while and listen, crickets will start to play their symphonies whilst birds swoop low and gorge on the rising wall of insects.

Beyond the cacophony of those insects, aside from the swooping birds and occasional bats, I sometimes saw a lone cat. A large ginger beast that would fade in and out of the long grass. A tiger hunting prey. It would stop sometimes and look at you, a challenge? An acknowledgement? I did not know cats back then, but I knew the word aloof. The aloof tiger, deigning to pause and glance in my direction. It always continued on, undeterred, knowing the scruffy boy in the grey shorts and brown leather sandals posed no threat.

Across the piece of wild abandon is another road that plunges away towards the town centre. That boundary is marked by an old iron fence, with a locked large gate to one side. Some of the bars are buckled just wide enough for a child to squeeze through. Between the lane and that gate, winding its way through the grass is a faint path. Often enough walked to be visible, seldom enough walked that brambles and other jaggies have been able to take up residence and stretch out their arms, silently waiting to snag your socks or rip their tendrils across your shins.

Beyond the usual weeds, the vivid greens and yellows of the grasses, wild flowers tried their best to throw some colour against the dull canvas. They were joined by the detritus left behind by man, spikes of red from rusting cans of Coke, sparkles of silver from foil wrappers, the occasional discarded pornographic magazine in all its tawdry vitality. These were the colours of the place, they remain painted in my memory.

On through the lane now, one foot then another, turn right at the t-junction towards Scott’s house, then left when you re-emerge on to the main road. Then plod onwards past the dancing school (held in someone’s front room), past Patricks house then Isobels then the entrance to the Old Folks Home – a place of smooth winding pathways and home to many cycle races in the summer – then on to the corner of the sweeping crescent I called home.

First house on the right; chips in a fake newspaper cone on a summer evening and home to my best friend. Then the policemans house on the left; ignore the loud barking dog, you’ll realise later he’s as gentle as a puppy. Childless houses on the right that held all manner of guessed secrets and mysteries. Dr. Wales house on the left; War of the Worlds and always the promise of a sandwich. Then our neighbours house; Number 11, and the boisterous Captain, keep an eye out if he’s washing his car, he’ll try and soak you too! Then, finally, home. One foot on the low wall, leap the flower bed and a hop step and a jump to the front steps.

Through the door, hang your jacket on the coatrack and head to the kitchen to recount how your day was.

It was always ok.

Of course it was. I was home.