Category: Life

It is shiny and new.

It does a lot of things my old phone could do but does them a lot faster, and prettier.

I have a new phone.

It doesn’t do some things other phones do but I don’t need it to.

It does have some things other phones don’t.

I have a new phone.

I am very pleased.

Some people probably think the new phone is a waste of money.

They may well be right.

I have a new phone.

I’m sure there are other options out there.

I’m sure there are other phones with more features, better battery life and other things.

I have a new phone.

Amazing the difference the weather makes. A couple of sunny days and suddenly the world is a lighter place and everyone is happy, friendly and a little bit pink.

At one point on Saturday, as I sat and perused the conveyor belt at Yo Sushi!, I realised I had a big loony grin on my face as I was perfectly content and happy. Thinking about it, that might explain why the staff were so quick to get me my bill and usher me from my seat.

Note to self: If you are feeling happy with life, and are a little bit blissed out, probably best to keep your hands above the table.

Sunday was Dad Day, and so I visited my Dad and forced him to cook several chickens, two and a half cows and some corn on the cob on the BBQ. After eating all of that it was all I could do to pootle home and collapse on the sofa.

One thing I will need to do more of, whenever the whole ‘staring a new life’ thing kicks in (seriously, 3 bed semi-detached in Hamilton, spanking new bathroom, sumptuous kitchen, quiet cul-de-sac, will someone please buy it), is go to parties as apparently that is what most of the people I follow on Twitter did this weekend.

I don’t get invited to parties much these days, so please feel free to invite me to your party if you are having one. I’m very well behaved, quite socialable, and will even make sure I’ve had my weekly shower that day.

And I promise I will keep my hands above the table.

It must be a false memory.

Like that one where I’m still convinced that, when I was about 6, I used a toy phone to speak to my cousins in Dundee. I am still sure, to this day, that I did speak to them despite all evidence to the contrary. I’m nothing if not stubborn.

So it’s with an expression of perplexity that I sit night after night and watch the World Cup (of Football, in case you were confused). I hear the vulva horn thingies buzzing away and can see the pitch, the ball, the referee and the players. Every possible moment has a mention of England in one form or another, and there are liberal doses of casual xenophobia left, right and centre.

It’s definitely a World Cup.

But by GOD it’s boring. It wasn’t always this boring, I know it wasn’t. I got to watch ALL (every single game) of Mexico ’86 as I was off school with chickenpox. I kept my own notebook of scores, laboriously coloured in each flag and the mascot was painstakingly recreated on the cover. The football was fun, goals were score, crowds cheered, commentators fumbled over foreign names and got over excited every time one of those new fangled Mexican Wave things started.

It was exciting, entertaining, and engrossing.

Fast forward to South Africa 2010 and… what has happened? Dull, boring and I’ve even turned off a couple of the games through sheer disinterest.

It wasn’t always like this, was it?

I seem to have fallen into a stupor. The weekends are spent avidly doing nothing, whilst making sure the house doesn’t get into too much of a mess. Week days are all about Work during the day, and work in the evening.

But don’t worry, dearest reader, balance is being maintained and once we get the house sold and things start to move then I’ll be looking for a new gym, discovering the most delicious Tablet at Aldi (may only be available in Scotland) hasn’t really helped me and a certain pair of trousers has had to be returned to the drawer until I shift a few pounds (few stone.. whatever).

I’m also considering taking an evening class to keep me busy. Probably a starter course in photography, or maybe I’d be better doing something focussed on writing…

Other than that all I’m really focussed on is when I can get my hands on the new iPhone 4. I’m still using the 3G model (two years old now) and it’s noticeably slower and the battery life is dropping almost daily, or at least that’s what it feels like. Roll on the end of June!

It’s a revelation to me as well, so I’ll pause to let you digest that juicy title.

*pauses*

OK, so it’s stretching the truth a bit, well a lot, well it’s entirely possible that it’s downright lie but let us move on lest I lose all self-esteem and realise just how far I am from being cool.

Dammit. Too late. Well I guess it’s fair to say that I’m about as cool as a volcano spewing molten lava and ash into the air.

And yes, not only am I not cool but I’m also never ever topical.

So I should really work in some obscure World Cup reference I guess, comparing my innate lack of cool to the composure shown by most English football players when asked to kick the ball 12 yards.

Regardless, let us step back a few hours to the moment my revelation was unveiled to me by one of those printed things you can buy in shops these days. You know the ones, lots and lots of adverts printed on glossy pages, stapled or glued together but which lack any cover of merit. I am, in a most roundabout way, referring to a magazine. Specifically one that I used to buy quite often and which, as I found myself wandering past said magazines, caught my eye once more.

The magazine in question is that veritable tome of music knowledge, Q.

Why not, I thought, and ohh look, it has a free CD of “most exciting new acts” (15 of them, and they are “on the planet” too, which is lucky).

I didn’t really look at much else, as I was running a little late, so I paid for and left with said magazine safely tucked under my arm.

When I got home I had a quick look at the attached CD and it does indeed have 15 tracks from 15 bands that are on this planet but I’m not quite sure they are the most exciting new acts… not anymore at least.

It was at this point I (thought I) realised how cool I am.

Why?

Because of the 15 bands, I’ve got (and have had for several months in most cases) albums by 7 of them, and have seen 2 of them live.

I’m THAT FRICKIN’ COOL!!

The bubble was soon burst though, as the front cover of said magazine was questioning who would ‘win’ at Glastonbury, Muse or U2.

Oh. Right. Published last month then.

And, of course, Q magazine was never, and will never, be cool.

Do you know why?

Because everytime I buy a copy, there is always, ALWAYS, some interview of snippet or other random piece of information about JON BON FUCKING JOVI!!!

Which, and I’m sure you’ll all agree, is really not fucking cool at all.