As a chronic over thinker (much of which I’ve inflicted on you here, dear reader) it’s fair to say that how to be a good father and how to set a good example to my son, are major topics in my brain on any given day. I replay moments wondering how to do better next time, I store away the successes with the hope I can repeat them and embed the behaviours. I don’t want to create my son in my own image, but I want him to have every chance to discover himself and, as long as he’s not a dick, that should be a good start.
But there is so much more to these things these days, nuance is something the internet struggles with, critical thinking seems to be absent in many places, and men seem to have been swept along and divide along class/education lines. My son is 4, I have time, but what will his future look like? What challenges will he face that I can help him prepare for?
I’ve written many words on this topic already, and have many more in my head but, for now, I’ll share this video (brought to me by the excellent Dense Discovery newsletter to which you really should subscribe) about what it may be like for many men these days, and the dangers that lie online, ones my son may face in the future.
To quote Kai from his newsletter (and sub quote the presenter of the video below), the final sentence is the one that drove me to watch the whole thing:
I loved (and can attest to) this observation Reeves makes about how men communicate:“One of the things we know is that men communicate more comfortably with each other shoulder to shoulder, as opposed to face to face. When men are face to face with each other, that’s quite a threatening position. Now, if I tell you this, you won’t be able to unsee it. If you want to communicate with young men, go fishing, go for a drive, go for a hike.”
And I like that he acknowledges these differences without pathologising them: “You could roll your eyes at that and just say, ‘Oh, what’s wrong with men?’ But we have to be really careful not to treat men like defective women, or vice versa.”
That last sentence speaks to me, the feminising of emotional care is rife. As a man, you should be able to handle your emotions, to speak of them is weak, and it’s subtle and it’s everywhere, and the ‘alpha males’ start to grow, broken, weak men that claim to be superior to others. I know my son won’t be one of them, but my generation is still in the trenches on this stuff. Some of us are fighting our way out, but far too many are still there and whilst it may be a ‘male’ view to use war as a metaphor, I don’t think it’s understating how serious this is. Look at how the world is playing out, the first vestiges of this are written large, the next generation of men need to change it and we need to equip them.
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