I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not. I’m not sure if I’m about to completely humiliate and embarass myself. Or (I hope) this is another one of those things that everyone else does but that we just don’t talk about.

No, not picking your nose…

I adapt who I am depending on who I am with.

The most obvious change is when I’m in a heavily alpha male environment, where I become a lot louder, more forceful and laddish (aka “non-politicially correct) behaviour is not only pushed to the fore but heavily encouraged and instigated.

In less intimidating surroundings I become the joker, eager to make people laugh, possibly eager to gain some level of acceptance (still not sure about that one) and tend to come off as confident, self-assured and a bit cheeky but likeable. Yes, it helps that I’m really REALLY cute.

Those ladies that have met me can feel free to back that claim up in the comments. Or not.

Not you though, Mother.

In the company of close friends I become a little more introspect, and probably closer to my true self. I have nothing to prove and I’m happy that my friends accept me and my faults, as I accept theirs. Although there is always the nagging feeling that they have fewer faults than I.

Then we get to the version of me that few have seen, only a select few are allowed through that door and even then I do tend to tidy up the first few times they visit. After that I tend to start to care less about the appearance back there and at that point you are as close to the true me as is possible.

Finally, there is me. The me only I see and consider, the me that thinks things but never utters them, the me that knows when to shut up and when to push forward. That version of me is ME. My core, my centre, my very being. I don’t understand that version of me all that well, I am still learning all of the foibles, fissures, and flaws that barely scratch the surface.

Oddly enough the older I get the happier I am to let that version of me exist as it wants, no longer do I try to sway and coax it towards the me I think I want to be for, as should be obvious by now, even I don’t know which version of me I want.

To say that there are distinct versions of me is, of course, complete nonsense. Instead the various traits can be found everywhere, manifesting themselves where they aren’t expected. The quiet version of me can still be loud and laddish, the cheeky version of me can be still and introspective.

There is no version of me, I am consistently flawed. Each version can be selfish and compassionate, thoughtless and kind, harsh and tender all at once. Each version breathes with the next, changes with each heartbeat, and remains mercilessly unaware. I am inconsistent, there is no version of me.


  1. Clair said:

    Definitely not just you, for example I find that I am a lot more confident when I’m around people who aren’t.

    Nicely described though 🙂

    November 17, 2008
  2. Peter said:

    Oh this is lovely. Thank you. All the more relevant as you’re one of the handful of bloggers I’ve actually met. Nothing beats introspection, properly done. Nothing. I’m nominating this for POTW when I get home. (If I remember. Out boozing the noo.)

    Times I feel blogging has lost its purpose, lost in a sea of commentary, but this puts things right back where they should be.

    November 17, 2008
  3. Debster said:

    Everybody does this.

    November 18, 2008
  4. K said:

    Really well written, especially the last paragraph.

    And no, it’s definitely not just you, and it’s a good thing. I think it has to be, self-preservation wise.

    I have so many masks depending on who i’m with, many levels of closeness that people will get to me. They’re especially important when I’m feeling emotions that I don’t want the people I’m around to see. Unfortunately at that time, it’s also a really draining thing to keep the mask from slipping.

    But now i’m just hijacking your comments when i was going to say that I feel so lucky to have at least one person around with whom I don’t need any kind of version, when i can just be me and admit that I constantly stuggle with who that actually is, and how i want to make ‘me’ better.

    November 18, 2008
  5. Blue Witch said:

    That, as Debster suggests, is a basic psychological reality. As you get older, the edges blur between the facets, until one cannot be bothered, or actually can’t, keep up the charade any more. Mental illness can speed the ‘demise’, and some people just enjoy being ‘odd’ and not making the normal culturally accepted adjustments in different situations.

    I enjoyed reading it, thanks.

    November 18, 2008
  6. Gordon said:

    Peter – thanks for the nomination, truly flattered both by that and your comment.

    This is one of those blog posts that I didn’t really plan to write, but just started to develop. It is a little psy 101 though, innit, LOL.

    November 19, 2008
  7. Lovely stuff! Definitely not just you – I change all the time. I like ‘me’ best 🙂

    November 21, 2008
  8. […] I’ve said this before, so let me repeat. I am not this blog. I am not the person you’ve met in the pub once or twice. But I’ve said this before, quite recently. […]

    December 13, 2008

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