Happily Imperfect Life

Assumptions

Written in response to the monthly theme on Poly Means Many: Assumptions

I am not ‘one of the lads’, I can play the role when needed but recently I’ve been less inclined to do so. It’s taken me a while to figure out why but I think it’s because I’m getting fed up with the assumptions made about me and my life choices.

I have two girlfriends. I talk of going on dates. Most of my peers (professionally at least) are married with children. I’m the same age as them but living the, perceived, life of a 20-something, out most weekends, partying and indulging in what they presume to be “debauchery” (they probably think I’m a swinger).

As I’ve started to understand the assumption is that, because I believe in polyamory, I’m now ‘the man’ living the life they think they want. If I’m being honest, a few years ago it’s likely I would’ve had a similar view; A rather average looking guy that has two gorgeous ladies as girlfriends? Wow, there must be something special about him!

But I am not special. At most I am considerate and kind to those I care about but beyond that I try and be decent, honest and fair. I don’t boast or brag about my lifestyle, but equally I’ve become less concerned with hiding it. That, of course, prompts questions which is inevitable I guess as the polyamorous lifestyle isn’t one that many people are familiar with.

So I answer the questions as best I can, but then the ‘nudge nudge wink wink’ begins, the presumptions about what my life must be like, and I shudder. I realise that it’s not really about me explaining my lifestyle as much as it is that I seem to be challenging their world view.

And if that is the case, so be it. I’m happy, and whilst I don’t expect everyone to agree with my life choices, I am starting to understand that I want to challenge their assumptions as best I can. Not just for me, but for the people in my life I care about.

August 16, 2013

Lots of new things

There are many different types of relationship, many different ways those relationships function, and many different forms the dynamic takes between two or more people.

At present, for these things are prone to change, I’m lucky enough to be in a relationship with a woman who shares my views on these things. We’ve both been in monogamous relationships in the past (which wasn’t a bad thing), but looking to the future we are currently in an open relationship, free to see other people, and believe that it is possible to have:

more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved… [polyamory]

I’m lucky enough to know some people already in such a relationship and as I discover more and more about being polyamorous, the happier and more content I seem to be. It’s not always easy, being completely honest and owning your emotions (all of them, even those icky ones that no-one likes) is harder than it sounds.

One way to make it easier is to put aside the theory and engage in this lifestyle choice, which is where I am just now. It doesn’t actually make it easier, of course, but at least my understanding of what it means to be in more than one romantic relationship now has a basis in reality.

It’s all still very new, and it’s surprising at times just how many things, simple things you hadn’t even considered, need to be thought about and discussed but, so far so good.

I’m now lucky enough to be in two relationships.

August 8, 2013

Gigs

I have no idea how many gigs I’ve attended in my lifetime. I do know that I have tickets for them all, stored away in a drawer, all the way back to the first one (Simple Minds).

I’ve sporadically written up attendance at some of the more recent gigs, but by and large I’ve not bothered, mostly because in the warm afterglow of a gig, EVERY gig is pretty damn good!

It’s a common enough experience, you go and see a band you like and (for the most part) you have a great night hearing your favourite songs played REALLY loud and get this amazing feed of energy and vitality from the crowd. Sometimes it’s almost completely overwhelming and you get carried away in the moment, losing yourself in the moment.

Of course not every gig can be that good and, to date, I’ve only ever walked out of one gig. Sigur Ros and after 20-30 minutes of wailing droning noise I gave up. I like Sigur Ros a lot, but it wasn’t what I expected. But then, what does a band ‘owe’ us when we pay to see them perform?

One thing I have started to do over the last couple of years is be a little choosier as to who I see. Steering away from the ‘big venues’ and looking at smaller bands, or more intimate settings. Tonight I’m off to see KT Tunstall at Oran Mor, and old converted church near where I live. I’ve seen her live before so I know what to expect (great cheeky banter, and a very talented performer).

On the flipside of that I have just bought tickets to see Queens of the Stone Age (again) at the new Glasgow Hydro. Partly because I love the band, partly because of the new venue, which I really hope sounds the death knell for the Big Red Shed (SECC) in which I refuse to attend gigs because it’s so achingly bad.

Next week we are off to Glastonbury and, unlike two years ago at our first, this time around we aren’t massively planning who we want to see. We’ve picked out two or three bands we want to catch but, for the rest of the time we will be determinedly wandering around and hearing what we hear.

One day I’ll revisit that list of gigs, go through all the tickets and jot down any memories they stir up because, for me, that’s one of the reasons to go. To change the connection to the music, to be part of an experience that is both shared and individual. My memory of a lot of my life events is hazy at best, but when it comes to music I can remember lyrics and tracks from the day I bought my first LP (Friend or Foe by Adam and the Ants, favourite track the guitar heavy, A Man Called Marco) and it’s the same for gigs. I’m instantly transported back to the place, who I was with, my emotions at the time and, usually, a specific recollection or two (Runrig at Loch Lomond, smuggling in alcohol by injecting, with a syringe borrowed from some nurses, cartoons of juice with vodka).

June 19, 2013

Insomnia

I’ve had insomnia on and off for years but in the last year or so it’s started to occur more frequently.

I’m starting to figure it out though and it’s definitely work related. It seems that, during periods of high stress, my insomnia kicks in.

Beyond that I’m a bit hazy about why I wake at 4 or 5 in the morning, wide awake, regardless of when I went to sleep. I’m trying to track how fatigued or tired I feel at the moment to see if there is a pattern there but all that’s really doing is highlighting the things I stress and worry about and, obviously, that then allows my brain to focus on them and worry and stress some more!

There is possibly an element of decision fatigue at play as well, my new role demands much more in that respect, and as I’m still learning it, each decision is harder to make (takes more energy). Whilst the team size is no larger than in my previous role, at least there the decisions were easier as I had 15-odd years experience in that role.

Part of it is definitely down to the additional timezones I now have to work with, particularly as the overlap with California is so small. It makes each day that little bit longer, and each communication point and decision that little bit trickier to negotiate.

What to do?

Well I’m exercising more, trying to stagger my start times (later) to accommodate conference calls with the US, and largely doing what I can to be more organised as I know part of my stress is worrying that I’ve forgotten something!

I’m also hoping a holiday will help, roll on Glastonbury!

June 11, 2013

I am

Changes take time. No matter how deep my desire to be ‘better’ I need to learn to be patient.

And I am.

Changes don’t have to be sweeping. Small steps towards a goal make progress easier than trying to leap large boulders in a single bound. I should enjoy the process as much as the achievements.

And I am.

Changes aren’t always obvious. In the whirl of data I can collect about me – my weight, my body measurements, my eating habits, the number of steps I take each day, how far I cycle on my bike, how long I sleep – I need to trust my instincts more and enjoy the change, not the data.

And I am.

Changes don’t always stick. This is not a failure. This is life. The tricky bit is remembering to be patient, to enjoy the process, to trust myself and not seek validation in numbers. If I can do that, then maybe I can stick with this when my enthusiasm wanes. Maybe then I will have the resolve to continue this change when my current mood dissolves. I will strive for that.

And I am.

And if I ‘fail’. I will remember that life is more than this. That I am happy and loved.

And I am.

May 27, 2013

The good, the bad

… and for the purposes of this post, I’ll play ‘the ugly’ (shut it at the back!).

The good

We were out and about last weekend and enjoyed a fun-filled evening at Cabaresque, a cabaret/burlesque show organised by some friends. It’s all for charity and as most of the audience and acts, know each other, it’s a great laugh (although I feel sorry for the two comedians as they probably got some very specific heckles they won’t have had to deal with in the past!).

Part way through there is a raffle, and this year we won two prizes! I also went up to collect a third on behalf of someone who couldn’t really walk in her shoes… so most of the audience, and the host, thought I’d won three times. So when it turned out that there had been a slight mistake and one of the prizes we’d won actually contained something that was meant as a separate prize, I ended up getting a bit of stick from the audience.

All good natured fun, and the night ended up raising just over £1000! Brilliant stuff.

Not a bad way to spend a Saturday night, a few drinks, a lot of laughs, a singalong and burlesque (and boylesque) dancing. Aces!

The bad

That extra prize we won was nipple tassles, the audience quickly caught on and started demanding that I put them on and model them.

A few minutes before, bearing in mind I’d had some dutch courage and I’m a pretty loud outgoing guy (on the surface), I’d hammed it up a bit whilst collecting the prize.

So how would they know that, especially at the moment, I’m very conscious of my body and that there was no way in hell I was taking my shirt off, obviously they had no idea.

I’m glad I didn’t let it spoil my night, even though it could’ve.

The ugly

However, it did highlight that, no matter how much I try and laugh it off, that my current state of mind on my body image isn’t in a good place.

I am taking steps, small ones, to changing it but I’m finding it much harder than it was last year when I seemed to fall into a healthier lifestyle (both exercise and food) much more easily.

What’s especially annoying is that, contrary to last year, I’ve fewer distractions, fewer ‘life events’ happening and in almost every other aspect of my life things are going well (fantastically well!) so that leaves me pondering why, when I should have more energy to deal with this, I’m still not able to get a proper handle on it.

Things are, slowly and steadily, starting to change. I’m consciously trying to be relaxed about it, trying to be measured and accept whatever happens. I think that’s spilling out into other areas of my life as well. I feel much more relaxed about other things, the usual stress triggers don’t seem to be pushing the same buttons any more.

It’s never good when someone else highlights something you already have marked down as a flaw or, in my case, as a failure. But I’m putting that behind me and moving on.

May 24, 2013