Author: Gordon

Father, husband, feminist, ally, skeptic, blogger, book reader, geek. Always sarcastic, imperfect, and too cheeky for his own good. ๐Ÿด๓ ง๓ ข๓ ณ๓ ฃ๓ ด๓ ฟ He/him.

Remember yourself

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com

Let me start with a simple premise: Relationships are a compromise, and those compromises are made to find balance to make sure everyone is as happy as they can be. Compromises are made on all sides and over time they even out.

Of course, in poly relationships there is more than one person to consider when it comes to compromise and that can mean there is a risk that you, with the best intentions, start over-compromising in favour of your partners. Whilst this may be driven by the simple motivation of how much you care about them and want them to be happy, it can mean you are in danger of forgetting about your own needs.

Calling out when you think your own needs aren’t being met isn’t easy though. Fears that there could be the perception that you are being selfish or, at worst, thoughtless for the needs of others are likely to be in your mind, but with the right comms (and loving partners who trust that you are being honest) there is no reason why you shouldn’t be able to tackle these moments.

For me the biggest struggle I have in this area is that, whilst I know there are times when I need to be alone, I really don’t like the fact that it means that one or other of my partners may be alone of an evening. Hey, I didn’t say any of this was rational!

Wanting to spend time with the ones you love is natural, after all why wouldn’t you want to spend time with people who make you happy just by being around them, but there are times when I need to be able to step away for a moment to catch breath and let my brain process my thoughts and emotions.

I don’t think that’s unique to me though, I think this is important for anyone in a relationship, but especially so for those in polyamorous circumstances. The additional layer of complexity that having multiple loving partners brings does require that you are all taking time to think things over, and taking care of yourselves.

Of course it’s not easy to call out that you need some ‘me’ time when you are already time challenged to see the ones you love as often as you’d like but, as my Mother says, “Sometimes needs must”.

Forever Falling

The sky slowly darkens as the sun dips behind the clouds, the windows slide from light to grey. Whisps of air stream past, chasing droplets across the glass, helter skelter as the plane starts to descend.

Inside the cabin the light changes, melting from the dazzling brilliance of moments ago to the dull artificial glow that washes over the life within; an irregular motion bumps and buffets the plane, pockets of turbulent air enjoy their brief moments of power.

The rows of seats are almost full, the gentle chatter of a hundred strangers fight the mechanical hum, a war of attrition that neither will win. A sudden burst of laughter breaks through but is soon lost, impaled on the battlements of the background drone.

Near the front of the plane sits a young woman. She is quiet through all of this, contemplative and resolute. She sits upright, deaden to movement, seemingly calm and controlled. She is Joan of Arc, no martyr but divine in her moments. She is powerful yet still, assured and confident, the low tone of her voice resonants authority when she chooses to use it. She knows this full well, she knows the power she holds and she chooses her moments to wield it based on nothing but pure whimsy and focussed vigour.

She closes her eyes and thinks ahead to the man that will be waiting for her. The moment their eyes will meet, the last few steps they will take towards each other, the touch, the kiss, the embrace. A gentle smile creases her lips as her mind slips away into a daydream of what is to come.

At the back of the plane a group of men can be heard, their back and forth exchanges echo down the cabin. They conform as you would expect, leery with the flight attendants and, with no sense of self, annoying and apologetic to those around them, They are an endless series of in-jokes and nicknames, inane chatter and sudden outbursts. The quiet bully and vicious mockery they spout is learned but not fully understood. Around them, silent glares and simmering rage.

A few rows forward, oblivious to the noise, an elderly couple are crouched in their seats, anxiously peering out at the wall of cloud beyond. They hold hands in comfortable silence, aware of each emotion passing between them with no need for words. They force their minds back to their holiday, the strolls along the promenade, the exotic drinks and spice laden food, the sun and the dashing youngsters, bronzing on the beach. Anything to take them away from their current reality, the terror of falling.

They are still enveloped in cloud. The windows of the plane mirroring the transparent opaqueness of the air outside. The light in the cabin seems to disperse and everything inside takes on the soft hues of a dream. Loud voices start to dull, quiet voices cease altogether and, slowly, silence ripples through the cabin.

Heads start to swivel, eyes straining as the passengers unite and turn to query the windows, peering through the grey white world outside. They are desperate for a view, any view, of something else, something real. Instead all they see are their reflections staring back at them and none of them like what they see.

Realisation creeps through the cabin like a sharp breeze, cutting through everything else, and all thoughts are tuned to the same idea.

The view isn’t changing.

The cloud isn’t ending.

Moments of Beauty

โ€œLive quietly in the moment and see the beauty of all before you. The future will take care of itself……โ€

Paramahansa Yogananda, Autobiography of a Yogi

I can’t recall where I first heard this advice, I know I’ve not read the book, but it’s stuck with me.

Part of me wonders if it’s always been something I’ve done; I’ve always been a bit of a daydreamer, idly gazing around me as I take in the world, memories of childhood evenings spent sitting staring out of my bedroom window watching birds hop around the back garden, the dazzling lights of cars on the roundabout behind my parents house. The windows were old, with wonderfully imperfect glass that let me distort and reshape what lay beyond with a simple tilt of my head.

Always look up, I was once told on a visit into the “town” with my grandmother. You’ll never see what’s around you if you don’t remember to look up, she said. Sage advice indeed, but what else would you expect from a grandmother? Regardless, her advice rings in my ears whenever I am in any city, pausing me as I raise my head and lift my eyes to the skyline and a whole different view.

I’m not sure why certain things stay and become part of me but embracing a simple notion like finding moments of beauty everyday have had a subtle effect that, only now, do I realise have been quite powerful. Simply put I feel more aware of what goes on around me, almost like part of my subconscious is constantly scanning my surroundings to try and find that hidden moment.

My definition of a moment of beauty seems to be anything that makes me pause and smile; this morning it was catching a brief exchange between two strangers, one of whom was getting directions, and the moment when they parted with a smile. Instantly I find myself pondering the simple truth that there are many more people in the world who are willing to do good than those who do bad, something that can be easily lost in the ranting, whining, drama filled noise of social media. It made me smile.

Yesterday, it was a rainbow.

Today's moment of beauty

Rainbows may seem like a simple example. They are, without a doubt, a beautiful thing to see, so pretty and colourful, what’s not to like? However even a simple rainbow deserves a pause to fully appreciate it. Not just to admire how it looks but wonder at how it comes to be, nature in all it’s glory.

I don’t see moments of beauty everyday, but they are out there and they never fall to lift my spirits and make me happy.

How do you do yours?

It has taken me a while to get the Spotify bug but as I can’t seem to escape it I’ve done my usual and leapt in at the deep end leaving my iTunes library mid-rebuild to explore Spotify and see how it fits with my needs. It’s good! I like a lot of things about it and I will happily admit it’s a much nicer place to be than iTunes which has meant that (as most of music listening is background stuff so I prefer things I’m familiar with) I’ve been going a bit playlist happy.

There are a mixture of things that are driving my behaviour, but the ‘availability’ of a large set of music than I have in my own collection, coupled with the speed at which I can find tracks are the main two reasons why I’m finding it much more fun to create playlists in Spotify.

However, it does leave me with a bit of a quandary.

Because I have access to so much music, I find myself easily distracted and start to get lost as I find more and more tracks I like.

For example, say I’m compiling a playlist of heavy rock music – Foo Fighters, Pearl Jam, Queens of the Stone Age, that kind of thing – and stumble across a remix of something which takes me off on a tangent into Nine Inch Nails and then to the Prodigy and then on to Chase & Status and… wait, what was I doing? This isn’t rock music!

Back to the playlists, but this time I’ll try and add to my Soul playlist. Ahhh yes, Aretha Franklin, Sam Cooke, James Brown, Eddie Floyd… wait I know that track from somewhere else, ohh yeah, Ami Stewart did a disco version, I liked that, I can add that to my disco playlist, and maybe some Bee Gees, Sister Sledge, Chic, ohh that Communards track that got overplayed… what’s this? Then Jericho, that’ll go in my 90s playlist and… gah! It’s happened again!!

Is it just me or is this a common affliction?

Has social media dropped my attention span so low that I can’t even keep focus long enough to add a handful of tracks to a playlist?

What does everyone else do?

And then I turned 40

It’s a milestone!

It’s all downhill from here.

It’s just a number.

It’s a turning point.

I’m not sure quite what it is but I do know that, subtly, the approach of today has been in the back of my mind for the last year. However, in the same way I don’t hold any sway over New Year Resolutions, I’m aware that this is just another birthday; it really is just a number.

But.

Ahhh yes, of course there was a but!

Turning 40 does feel different to previous birthdays. I can’t quite put my finger on why though and I’m aware it might just be coincidence as this birthday is coming around the time other changes in my life have gathered pace, both in my personal and professional life. Who knows.

Regardless.

I’m now 40 (right as this post was published as it happens).

Almost there…

It’s October, my birthday month. I only mention that as it marks what I guess is something around the halfway point of my life.ย And, as it approaches, I’m finally realising I’ve got myself mostly figured out and my life is taking shape.

A few years ago I wouldn’t have believed you if you described my life as it is now. It’s not that I had a bad life, I wasn’t unhappy before but I didn’t realise what was missing.

But then, hindsight is 20 20 and all that.

Hmmmmm, 20 + 20 = 40

There’s something in that…