I’m old enough to have acquired some wisdom along the way, or at the very least some life experience, to know that life won’t always be completely shit.
When I was younger I used to think my life was kinda shit. Like all young adults I had dreams and aspirations, which of course all stemmed from my up bringing and were more about the things I didn’t want to do, or the person I didn’t want to become, than anything truly tangible. I didn’t grow up with specific goals, or a specific life/job in mind. At the time I used to think it made me ‘less than’ others who knew they wanted to join the police, or be a teacher, or a nurse, or a doctor, or a bus driver, or … I had no idea but I knew I wanted nice ‘things’ as the early part of my childhood was largely based on how little money my parents had.
As I grew older, things changed for the better, but even then I still (and still don’t) have a view of where my life should go. I guess I’ve always been a go with the flow kinda person even though I’ve never been as relaxed about it as that sounds. Regardless, my life has been pretty good. I travelled, I had lots of fun times and experiences, laughed way more than I cried, and generally felt good about most of my life choices.
That said, the last few months, from early October through to now, have been pretty fucking awful. We had to put down one of our dogs in October, my Mum died in November, my sister’s husband spent Xmas in a coma, and whilst January seemed to be going well, my sister died in early February.
I have not been ok.
But I am ok, because I know that this too shall pass. I’m leaning on the things I learned about grief when my Dad died (almost 5 years ago) and letting myself feel the emotions but it seems different this time around. Not just the timing, with Jennie dying so soon after we said goodbye to Mum, but the fact she was my younger sister.
Many thoughts of not protecting her, or failing her, have been dealt with and largely pushed away but it feels wrong that she isn’t here and I am. Her life hadn’t been the greatest for a couple of years, but even the week before she died, she’d been talking about her future, her plans for her and my nieces, about rebuilding her life as a single Mum. So many plans, and lots of positivity surrounding her and the decisions she was making.
And then, just like that, she’s gone.
I guess that’s why it feels especially cruel, knowing that she was coming out of a bad time, was rejoining the world, catching up and reconnecting with friends; the sense of bewilderment isn’t solely mine, many of her friends have said the same thing.
Be we move on, slowly, cautiously, and focussing on how much love I still have in my life, and how much life there is still left to experience.
As for my grief. I think often of my Mum and my sister, and Dad too. I smile at the many memories we share, I remind myself how lucky I was to have such a wonderful upbringing, and how close Jennie and I were. Not everyone has that. Had that.
I know there are still dark times ahead but I can already sense the lifting of the weight of the immediate grief. It lightens but never leaves us.
And that’s ok too.
