Year: 2013
Balance
Iāve use this word a lot and over the years finding emotional balance has become increasingly important to me as I start to understand how I work and function best. In the past Iāve been very guilty of taking on too much, either explicitly or without realising, and leaving myself open to the big dark clouds that occasionally loom when I start to failing to deliver on my promises or living up to (perceived) expectations.
Thankfully Iāve gotten past a lot of that and, whilst I will always want to try and make things better for people, to fix things that are broken, and generally try and make sure that the people I care about are happy, I know itās not just down to me to find the balance in my relationships.
These days Iām think Iām getting better at picking up only the things I need to, although Iām still learning which issues and problems arenāt mine, something which takes on a whole new dimension in a set of poly relationships. If someone is upset or worried about someone else, should I be upset or worried too?
On top of my own character flaws and foibles, adding in not one but two loving relationships brings new considerations and Iāve found both the need for, and the challenge of, maintaining balance across those brought into sharp focus.
Whilst it can be hard to find that centre point itās definitely not impossible. There are some simple tips weāve picked up from others that help; Balancing time is managed by shared calendars for example, and everyone understands that we all need our own space from time to time. But of course itās not quite that simple and Iām realising that the trick is understanding that having the time and taking the time are two very different things.
Understanding each others expectations plays a part as well; knowing how much time someone wants or needs, how much time the other person I want to see has to give, what the other person wants to do when you see them (stop giggling at the back!), all that, and much more, can impact the balance and has the potential to leave people feeling either neglected, exhausted, or overwhelmed (sometimes all at once).
So itās a challenge. But that doesnāt mean it isnāt worth it. Arriving at the end of a week feeling loved, realising that you can be happy for days on end (no matter what else life throws at you), and knowing that you are very lucky to have so much love and affection in your life, well I think thatās well worth a few changes and compromises here and there.
Where I stand
Note: Iāve not made any explicit references but this post may contain triggers.
Somewhere in my head there is a grouping of thoughts.
Iām trying to write down some of these thoughts because Iām fed up with them being whipped up into a frenzy in my head, leaving me annoyed and angry by the actions and comments of others. Whether itās a noted journalist who is pushing her, very binary, view of the world on others, a ācasual remarkā overheard at work that (unknowingly) supports the patriarchy, or yet another example of everyday sexism, I want to call out these thoughts, acknowledge them, admit that Iāve fallen prey to some of them in the past (I never said I was perfect, only that Iām trying to be better) and by writing them up hope that they solidify into something coherent.
I make no promises that what follows is coherent.
The thoughts are interconnected. Some directly, some are only roughly in the same area but they are all in there, bundled up like the Christmas Tree lights you couldāve SWORN you put away neatly last year but now resemble a quite spectacular birds nest.
Iāve tried to take the time to tease them out, to try and separate them enough to at least make sense of them in isolation but no, my brain refuses to cooperate. Every time I think Iāve managed to extricate one, carefully consider it and then coiled it up and set it to aside, by the time Iāve turned around to decide which thought to tackle next, when I turn back, the careful coils have gone and itās leapt back in the box again, more tangled up and confused than before.
So, hereās the thing.
All around me, every day, I see things I donāt like.
Sexism. Homophobia. Racism. Misogyny. Hate. Prejudice.
Even just writing those words makes me sad and downhearted and itās here where I struggle to collate my thoughts into something meaningful, I struggle to give them the voice they deserve, but I know that isnāt the point.
Iām white. Iām probably (upper) middle class but frankly, Iām not even sure what that meansā¦ how do we decide class these days? I mean, I shop at Tesco, occasionally at Sainburys and about twice a year I splurge at Waitrose, does that help? Anyway, my point here is that I am slap bang in the middle, I am average, I am a shining example of the ānormā.
Culture, media and opinion are all leaning in my favour whether I like it or not.
So, I have the benefits of āprivilegeā and surely the last thing that is needed is for yet another white man to explain how things should be, right? (it’s called mansplaining by the way, that thing we do guys, it has a word…)
But thatās not what Iām doing by writing this post.
What Iām doing, I hope, is saying I am here standing next to you.Ā Iām saying that Iām guilty of saying the wrong things at times in the past.Ā Iām saying that I donāt have any solutions, but I want my opposition to these things to be counted.
Iām starting to get more vocal about a lot of this stuff. Challenging people on their comments, not laughing at their jokes, and finding that Iām more and more comfortable with myself in that respect. I’ve never been the type to go on marches but it feels more like something I would do than it has in the past.
It might be part of being āoutā about being polyamorous, which in itself is allowing me to explore more of me and who I am.
Regardless of where it comes from, Iām doing my best to support where I can, to add my voice to the calls for change. To that end, Iāll now shut up and point you in the direction of some organisations and people who do have some answers and constructive suggestions:
- Stonewall (Scotland): http://www.stonewallscotland.org.uk/scotland/
- Zero Tolerance: http://www.zerotolerance.org.uk
- White Ribbon Scotland: http://www.whiteribbonscotland.org.uk
- Not Ever (Rape Crisis): http://www.notever.co.uk
- LGBT Community: http://lgbt.co.uk
- LGBT Network: https://www.lgbtnetwork.eu
- Equality Network: http://www.equality-network.org
- Racial Equality and Rights: http://crer.org.uk
There are many many more organisations out there, and many more issues to be tackled.
Where do you stand?