bookmark_borderWrong

There is something wrong about being in work this close to Christmas. It’s the first time in about 5 years I’ve done it and it’s just not right.

Mind you, there is a perverse pleasure to be gained watching people scurry about at lunchtime, panic etched on their faces, consulting hastily scrawled lists or mobile phones.

Ahhh yes, the well-earned joy smugness that comes with having finished your Christmas shopping (ok, minus three things but we know what they are and they aren’t needed until after Christmas).

So, the countdown begins. Tonight I’ll wrap Louise’s presents, endure another day of work tomorrow and then it’s home for a few glasses of wine and the Muppets Christmas Carol (it’s tradition). Christmas Day we pick up my Gran and spend the day at my Mum’s. Then off to Louise’s sisters at night for drinks. Boxing Day is dinner at Louise’s brothers, then it’s the Christmas gathering of friends on the 27th. Out for a few beers on the 28th, and recovering on the 29th. Hic.

I’ve been toying with doing a recap of the year but will leave it until after Christmas I think. I’ll be working mucking about with new designs for a couple of other websites, adding a feature here and generally lounging around come the 29th December. So that’ll give me plenty of time to come up with a Troubled-Diva-esque posting about 2003. Or not.

bookmark_borderGuesting

Well that’s my stint over at Troubled Diva finished, and what an experience that was. It was fun, educational, enlightening and lots of other adjectives too.

In fact, I’m enjoying this guesting malarky so much I’ll be doing more of it this week at Audi Olympics.

And yes, stories and photos of Friday night are on their way!

bookmark_borderCoupla quick things

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I’ve been posting at Troubled Diva over the last week. Today’s post makes me sound like a nasty person, but at least I didn’t kick anyone (remind me to tell you that story if the wife lets me!). Whereas a previous post, loosely centered around gay stereotypes, has prompted some interesting comments.

To be honest, I’m only really linking them from here so I don’t lose them in the future

bookmark_borderDiva-ing

This week, as I mentioned, I’ll be guest posting at Troubled Diva.

So, if you don’t find me here, I’ll be over there.

In related news: I’m actually very nervous about this. The quality of writing over there has been top notch, what they will make if little old me heaven knows!

bookmark_borderTrue

I’m sure most of you will now have read Lyle’s post at Troubled Diva. My only direct comment about it is quite simply that, unless the person writing is quite open about their lifestyle (Peter and Pinky as two examples) I generally don’t tend to think about their sexual preference. Yes I have the same initial reaction to personal information that everyone else in the world does (it’s how we handle that initial reaction that designates us as homophobic, rascist etc etc), but… hmm I had a point here I’m sure…

What HAS struck me is something else Lyle mentions the “sense of remove” that guest blogging has given him, and I would agree. It is identical to finding yourself, all of a sudden, in a different social environment where you very quickly realise that you can act differently if you want to, and can create a persona of yourself that may not match who you really are.

Having had a personal website for over 4 years, I’m presuming that a lot of my ‘readers’ (yup all 10 of you) have a fixed image of who I am, what makes me tick, and my views on some of the major topics. Whilst those self same readers will quickly admit that they don’t ‘know’ me fully (they are intelligent enough not to make that assumption… yes you are!), they will have an ‘image’ of me which they will apply to everything I write or comment on.

Example: “Ohh a new comment on my site… ohh it’s from Gordon… ohh he’ll attempt to be funny about this again…”

I distinctly remember considering abandoning this blog to start up another under a false name, just to give myself that self same “sense of remove”. I’m experiencing it slightly whilst posting on Jez’s site, finding myself willing to open up over there about personal topics that I wouldn’t dream of mentioning on here.

So am I being true to myself? Partly yes, partly no. There is a part of my life that very few know about (and who will make no hinting suggestion to in the comments box thank you), and that, if I am honest, I’m not fully comfortable or sure of myself.

And now I’m regretting typing that previous sentence.

Who am I? Am I the person I want to be? The person I portray day in day out in real life, or the person I portray here on my website, and does it really matter? Why can’t I have a few persona hanging around, ready to be slipped into when the need arises. I’m sure most people do the same. It’s that old, different person at work, thing, isn’t it. But does that mean that, ultimately, I’m not happy with who I am?

I thought I’d gotten past this, obviously I haven’t, and I know why.

To be truthful to myself, I’ll need to change how certain other people see me (or expect me to be), it will mean hurting some people close to me, and no doubt alienating others.

And that is why I don’t do it. The cost. I have a small family, a small group of people I can rely on as friends, and I just can’t lose that, for without them I would truly become the person I want to be, and I hate that thought.

The person I want to be is selfish, arrogant, thoughtless and conceited. I display some, or all, of these characteristics in hazy form at times, and as soon as I realise that I reel them back in. Without the buffer of friends and family, I wouldn’t have the need to control those traits and they would push to the fore, twisting me into what I don’t want to be. With family and friends I catch them and force them back, hoping to gain integrity, generosity and more.