Tag: <span>REALLY</span>

I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not. I’m not sure if I’m about to completely humiliate and embarass myself. Or (I hope) this is another one of those things that everyone else does but that we just don’t talk about.

No, not picking your nose…

I adapt who I am depending on who I am with.

The most obvious change is when I’m in a heavily alpha male environment, where I become a lot louder, more forceful and laddish (aka “non-politicially correct) behaviour is not only pushed to the fore but heavily encouraged and instigated.

In less intimidating surroundings I become the joker, eager to make people laugh, possibly eager to gain some level of acceptance (still not sure about that one) and tend to come off as confident, self-assured and a bit cheeky but likeable. Yes, it helps that I’m really REALLY cute.

Those ladies that have met me can feel free to back that claim up in the comments. Or not.

Not you though, Mother.

In the company of close friends I become a little more introspect, and probably closer to my true self. I have nothing to prove and I’m happy that my friends accept me and my faults, as I accept theirs. Although there is always the nagging feeling that they have fewer faults than I.

Then we get to the version of me that few have seen, only a select few are allowed through that door and even then I do tend to tidy up the first few times they visit. After that I tend to start to care less about the appearance back there and at that point you are as close to the true me as is possible.

Finally, there is me. The me only I see and consider, the me that thinks things but never utters them, the me that knows when to shut up and when to push forward. That version of me is ME. My core, my centre, my very being. I don’t understand that version of me all that well, I am still learning all of the foibles, fissures, and flaws that barely scratch the surface.

Oddly enough the older I get the happier I am to let that version of me exist as it wants, no longer do I try to sway and coax it towards the me I think I want to be for, as should be obvious by now, even I don’t know which version of me I want.

To say that there are distinct versions of me is, of course, complete nonsense. Instead the various traits can be found everywhere, manifesting themselves where they aren’t expected. The quiet version of me can still be loud and laddish, the cheeky version of me can be still and introspective.

There is no version of me, I am consistently flawed. Each version can be selfish and compassionate, thoughtless and kind, harsh and tender all at once. Each version breathes with the next, changes with each heartbeat, and remains mercilessly unaware. I am inconsistent, there is no version of me.

Personal Musings

We are off to Spain next week so there are some vital things to sort out. Namely what music to put on my iPhone (I’ve got Series 1 of The Wire on there already), and most importantly what books to take!

I’ve got a Jeffrey Deaver and an Ian Rankin on standby and have just ordered Casino Royale and Live and Let Die so that should get me through the week, in between trips to the pub and general lounging around of course.

I don’t really make time to read all that much these days, in fact I struggle to get through the two monthly magazine subscriptions I receive (Esquire and Runners World if you must know). Aside from that mostly everything I read is for work related purposes and even then I’ve got a backlog, it’s just never that high up my priority list to be honest. I’ve tried to ‘hack’ my habits to get back to reading more often but nothing has worked, my attention and thoughts continue to lie elsewhere and, if I’m honest I’m fairly happy with that at the moment. We’ll see if that changes any time soon but my take is that, if I was REALLY that bothered I’d have done something about it.

Obviously I’m not.

That said there is a part of me that is looking forward to getting away, purely to be able to completely zone out in a good book, or at the very least a trashy thriller. There is nothing quite like losing all sense of time whilst you frantically flip pages, desperate to get to the next part of the story, and the quiet sense of despair you feel when you reach the end and, just like that, it’s over. You don’t get that with every book, some just fizzle out and leave you somewhat deflated but others take you on such a journey that the temptation to re-read them immediately is almost overwhelming.

Go on then, what are you reading right now? (aside from this blog, obviously!).

Sshhhhh.

I’m thinking.

I’m thinking about what to write.

I’m thinking that I’m not sure where the tub of Polyfilla is, I’m hoping it didn’t get thrown out.

I’m thinking that I shouldn’t really be writing this post as my entire week is chock full of meetings and I need to grab every single available moment to ping off some emails and keep up to date with what’s going on outside of the meeting rooms which are currently almost a semi-permanent home.

I’m thinking that finding a better way to do things AFTER you are committed to a particular way of working is a little daft…

I’m thinking that having all 103GB of my music here at work is actually a bad thing as I spend WAY too much time flicking through tracks to find something that suits my mood.

I’m thinking that I really REALLY enjoyed the Pixar book I finished reading yesterday (it was a Christmas present) and that I should post up my thoughts/review but I don’t currently have the time.

I’m thinking that I should stop thinking and get something done!

What are you thinking?

I have made the lists.

I have checked the lists.

The lists do not lie.

I think I finally have a grip on … dammit … just remembered something else.

OK, let’s start over.

The coming few weeks will be hectic. The arrival and fitting of a new kitchen requires preparation, the erecting of a new fence in the back garden requires a little preparation too, and there is the small matter of an (overdue) website, on top of some new stuff at work which is REALLY exciting and which I’m trying not to let intrude into my ‘downtime’ (I’m failing on that count but I don’t really mind).

So I have a list of things that need to be purchased. A list of things that need to be done, ordered by when they need done by (paint the kitchen ceiling before it’s fitted, for example), and split into things that need done on the computer, and things that don’t. Fairly simple.

This is always the way of things, I no longer get (too) stressed out knowing that, in the end, things will come together and with everything safely stored NOT IN MY HEAD, then I can tackle the tasks as and when needed.

Although I’ve just thought of something else I need to do…

Right, I THINK I’m prepared now. Maybe.

Lemme just check that list one more time…

Life

Speaking to my Mum on the phone earlier, we both discussed the need to have a “good clear out”, something we’ll be forced into next month as we are getting a new kitchen fitted. What better time to declutter one room and try and build some momentum to carry into others.

As we are getting the kitchen done then there is, of course, other things to be thought about. Tiles for the walls, flooring, heating (the kitchen is too small for a radiator), and assorted soft furnishings and final fittings. Today we visited a couple of tile shops and we’ve managed to agree on both tiles and flooring, it’s a miracle. Honestly, we have different tastes when it comes to these things and whilst we’d both kind of agreed roughly what we were looking for (a grey tile for the walls, and probably slate for the flooring… slate effect laminate that is) we are both equally fussy about the finer details of such things.

That said, if we can be careful with costs it is possible we might be able to get the bathroom done as well, even if it’s just replacing the mushroom coloured suite for a nice white one, and retiling the place. We’ll see.

It’s pretty much all go here at the moment, with a lot happening. Not only are we dealing with kitchen paperwork and considerations, we are still getting to grips with Ollie even though he’s made it very easy for us by being so laidback about things, we need to replace the fence in the back garden as it blew down in the high winds on Monday night (this time last year the other side was damaged!), we have our nephew’s 21st birthday next weekend, we are off to Spain early February and I’m down in London the week after that.

I’ve also been tasked with producing a long list of my ‘best’ photos, from which Louise will choose her favourite 12 to put up on the walls. We have the picture frames bought, having been inspired by Heather and Jon, so the onus is on me to get the next stage complete.

And finally, when the weather clears a little, we’ll need to paint the fence in the back garden and the porch needs re-varnished.

I really, REALLY, shouldn’t have bought a Wii…

Life

(What are the odds? If he smashes the nail on the head again tomorrow I WON’T post it here, I promise)

I really don’t know how Scott Adams manages to tap into these things, or is the software industry REALLY that similar the world over?

As the discussion of what we call ourselves, how much we should earn, what we do, why and what we need to justify, and why few seem to really GET what we can offer to a company (but that last one is kinda our fault), continues to rage across two mailing lists, this seems timely:

(click for bigger)

I really don’t know how Scott Adams manages to tap into these things, or is the software industry REALLY that similar the world over?

Regardless suffice to say that, in our Extreme Programming (XP) development group (XP is a form of Agile development), todays’ Dilbert raised a bit of a chuckle:

(click for bigger)

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(no, this post didn’t take long to pull together at all, read on if you want the how to…)

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