Tag: PMM

bookmark_borderFOMO

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Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them.  Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com

What is happening with them? Are they having fun?

Why am I home alone? What’s the point of having more than one partner if I’m still alone?

Are they having a better time than we do? Is he more fun? Is she more entertaining?

A lot of the thoughts and emotions I have around polyamory are still being filed under ‘new stuff’. I do spend a fair amount of my free time wondering: What are this?

However, this area seems to have caught me out a little bit. It’s definitely new for me, as I’m typically quite happy with my own company, to feel a little lonely at times. I guess I just hadn’t really considered how different it was to be alone when none of your partners are free.

It’s an odd thing, and not something I experienced in any of my monogamous relationships. Back then, if I wasn’t with my partner, then I knew where they were and roughly what they were doing. The sense of being alone wasn’t really the same as I knew it wasn’t because my partner was choosing NOT to be with me. It’s a subtle point I think, but an important distinction.

In polyamorous relationships choices have to be made. I can’t be in two places at once and neither can my partners so there is an element of having to choose who not to be with on a given night. Of course the aim is to find a balance and make sure everyone is happy with the amount of time they spend with each of their partners but it’s easy to see how, sometimes, someone might feel like they are second best (I realise this is very much down to your own dynamics and what agreements you may have between partners, I can only speak for myself and that I’m very keen to make sure both of my partners know they have the same voice and value in our relationships).

Regardless, there are nights when I know both my partners are choosing not to be with me. It’s not done negatively, it’s a fact of life, but it still happens and even though I understand why, logically, there is still something there that feeds the irrational brain.

Once you get past that, and I’m never convinced those thoughts fully dissipate, I’ve found I start to wonder what they are doing and, ultimately, whilst I am sat home alone, what am I missing?

The fear of missing out is not unique to poly/open relationships but if anything, for those in our set of relationships, it does seem to be heightened as the fear is built upon knowledge of the choice your partners have made.

The wondering, the comparisons start. Curiosity follows, and you wonder how much you think you want to know versus how much you actually should know about what they may, or may not, be doing.

I’m lucky that, for me, it doesn’t seem to strike me too hard or too often. I know for my partners it’s had an effect on them in the past, and may well again in the future. Thankfully we are all fundamentally happy and committed to making things work, we’ve all been honest and that should keep these fears at bay.

The thing is whilst you may be missing out on one night, or one event, if you are in more than one relationship, the inverse can also be true. Having two partners means I’m experiencing things differently than I would with one partner, enjoying a different point of view of a shared experience or the opportunity to attend events with someone who shares a passion.

The hope is that the time spent together at those times helps keep any irrational thoughts or fears at bay should they arrive during those nights when you are alone.

bookmark_borderOver Communicating

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Written in response to the monthly theme on Poly Means Many: Communication

Many articles around open/poly relationships discuss communication and rightly so as it’s the key foundation for all good relationships, regardless of type. However, it’s not something I’ve always been the best at; add my own shortcomings to a poly relationship, and those flaws get amplified.

Obviously there are differences between the communication between two people and the communication required between four as we all have different personalities and naturally differing ways of communicating.

My own style of listening, the phrases I use, the presumptions I have in my head, all suit me, but for others in the relationship they won’t be quite right. I’m aware of this, as are others and so, to try and counter any confusion we spend a lot of time, for wont of a better word, over-communicating.

If there is something to be discussed by more than two people then we will talk it through together with each person rewording into their own ‘language’ if required. Clarifications are needed to make sure there is no misunderstandings and, so far, it’s all been delivered without any hint of negativity. Sometimes there are things which are hard to discuss, sometimes there are things which just need to be said out loud, it’s not always easy but it seems to be working.

I’ll admit that the level of detail needed to make sure all the people in the dynamic are clear and happy is something I struggle with even though I know it’s absolutely necessary (and I know it helps me too). The trouble is that it doesn’t suit my natural style of communicating. I tend to be very high-level, detail-phobic almost, so I have to be sure to adapt my communications appropriately.

That means paying attention to detail, and the words I choose, and putting myself in my partner’s place (or my partner’s partners place). It means being honest even when it’s things that aren’t easy to say. It means letting go of the past, of my own insecurities and owning up to things as I truly see them, not saying what I think someone else wants to hear.

At the beginning of this journey, I struggled with the honesty required to be ethically non-monogamous. It wasn’t that I wanted to not be open and honest but more that I was well practised in being guarded and closed. It’s not always been easy but I’m far more comfortable with it now to the point of it being just part of who I am.

bookmark_borderMy nonmonogamy

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Written in response to the monthly theme on Poly Means Many: Types of Nonmonogamy

I’m not big on definitions and labels, and as I’m still new to the concept of non-monogamy itself (he said, neatly avoiding having to label my own relationship type for the moment) all of the terminology around this lifestyle is something that I’m still getting my head around.

However, whilst my preference is to try and avoid applying labels I understand that they help communicate the construct, status, or hierarchy of a relationship to other people. Mind you that presumes that anyone that I’m discussing my relationships with knows what each specific label means and, for the most part, that isn’t the case. So I find myself trying to come up with a workable, easily understood, description.

I’m trying to take a wider (higher level?) view which allows me not to have to define specifics nor worry about which box I fit in, or which label applies.

The facts of my current relationships are thus; I have two girlfriends, both of with I have amorous feelings towards. They have their own (non-romantic) relationship with each other, and one of them has another boyfriend.

The boundaries of each individual relationship are understood but as yet are not completely rigid. We all understand that these things may change over time, that life is not static and the emotions may change over time. I am steering away from such terms as primary and secondary, as I’m not sure they apply (other than in terms of time spent with one partner or another) and may cause more harm than good.

Of course, at present we still have the benefit of all of this being ‘new’ to us all. That fact drives a lot of the discussions, revelations and agreements, so it’s safe to say that our relationships are still evolving.

Fundamentally, I believe I am capable of loving more than one person at a time, and that my feelings for one partner don’t diminish my feelings for another (oddly it seems to enhance them instead, still trying to figure that out).

When my initial partner and I originally discussed trying an open relationship, we realised we were definitely aware of the idea of polyamory, of loving two (or more) people and if that’s where the new relationships ended up then we would figure things out when the time came. If the relationships didn’t pan out that way then we’d simply be in a different situation emotionally, but still have to talk, understand and agree boundaries with respect to that form of non-monogamy.

In short: I am an ethical non-monogamist and at present I have two loving relationships.

Simple enough.

bookmark_borderAssumptions

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Written in response to the monthly theme on Poly Means Many: Assumptions

I am not ‘one of the lads’, I can play the role when needed but recently I’ve been less inclined to do so. It’s taken me a while to figure out why but I think it’s because I’m getting fed up with the assumptions made about me and my life choices.

I have two girlfriends. I talk of going on dates. Most of my peers (professionally at least) are married with children. I’m the same age as them but living the, perceived, life of a 20-something, out most weekends, partying and indulging in what they presume to be “debauchery” (they probably think I’m a swinger).

As I’ve started to understand the assumption is that, because I believe in polyamory, I’m now ‘the man’ living the life they think they want. If I’m being honest, a few years ago it’s likely I would’ve had a similar view; A rather average looking guy that has two gorgeous ladies as girlfriends? Wow, there must be something special about him!

But I am not special. At most I am considerate and kind to those I care about but beyond that I try and be decent, honest and fair. I don’t boast or brag about my lifestyle, but equally I’ve become less concerned with hiding it. That, of course, prompts questions which is inevitable I guess as the polyamorous lifestyle isn’t one that many people are familiar with.

So I answer the questions as best I can, but then the ‘nudge nudge wink wink’ begins, the presumptions about what my life must be like, and I shudder. I realise that it’s not really about me explaining my lifestyle as much as it is that I seem to be challenging their world view.

And if that is the case, so be it. I’m happy, and whilst I don’t expect everyone to agree with my life choices, I am starting to understand that I want to challenge their assumptions as best I can. Not just for me, but for the people in my life I care about.