Tag: <span>LAUGHING</span>

“Ohhh that reminds me,” she said “I’ve got a mince pie for you”.

Considering we had been talking about the screeching fan belt of the car in front of us, this was a bit of a leap. I’m not sure what reminded her but I let that slide, you don’t learning nothing after 10 years of marriage. Quickly my mind caught up with hers and I too started to ponder dinner.

“Great,” I said. “Hmmm, do we have any potatoes in or shall I stop at the shops?”

A simple enough request, one would have thought, yet the silence remained broken only by her bemused glance.

“ummmm, yes there are some in the fridge…” she assured me, with a definite tone of bewilderment.

Unsure of her confusion I continued, “Hmmm, is there any veg? or maybe just have beans with it…?”

Her response was less than satisfactory, unless you are a farmyard animal perhaps, but where I grew up snorting doesn’t really constitute an answer. I glanced across at her and could just see the beginnings of a smile, creeping across her face. What was going on? Had I missed something? I tried to figure out what she was up to but she derailed my train of thought.

“Why?” she asked, with a hint of a smirk.

OK, this was getting annoying. What was she grinning at? Can’t a man consider the dietary requirements of his evening whilst driving home? What is so wrong with enjoying a nice cooked pie with some delicious boiled potatoes, some beans, a nice big slab of butter and a cold beverage. After all, there was entertainment in the form of football later on, so best to set myself up with a hearty meal! Food of kings if you ask me.

So why was my Queen mocking me so?

Determined to find out I pushed aside thoughts of her forthcoming beheading (I may be a handsome king but I rule my land with an iron fist) and pressed on.

“To have with the mince pie for dinner… I was thinking we could just chuck on some bea…. Hey, what IS so funny… what are you laughing at!”

Try as I might I could not get a word from the giggling buffoon sitting in the passenger seat next to me. Perplexed, I left her to it and tried to figure out what it was that was making my wife laugh so hard that she had tears streaming down her cheeks and was starting to have trouble breathing…

Then I realised.

I shall now pause this story to explain that this, dear reader, is why I hate Christmas.

It’s not the rushing about like an idiot to find presents that at least look like you didn’t just pick them up because it was all that was left in the shop.

Nor is it the bombardment of adverts on TV, radio, billboard and newspaper.

It’s not even the “it’s Christmas so everyone must be jolly” attitude that is rammed down your throat at every occasion.

No, the reason I hate Christmas is because I seem to be the only person who makes the effort to ensure that the, somewhat distinct and pronounced, difference between mince and mincemeat is properly communicated.

Yes I know mincemeat used to have meat in it but it doesn’t anymore and, truth be told, I quite enjoy a mince round now and again. Anyway, just because I refuse to bow to peer pressure whilst the rest of you weak-willed, soft-minded idiots happily follow the crowd of sheep bleating “mince pie, mince pie” does NOT make it one and the same thing.

I’m sorry, I refuse to budge. I refuse to yield. I am right. YOU are ALL WRONG. That small, round, deliciously sweet and spicy pie you have with your morning coffee on Christmas morning, is a MINCEMEAT pie. What is so hard about remembering that? Is it the flashy lights on the tree? The brain damage from barging your way through the drinks aisle at the supermarket? Or perhaps you forgot to put the brandy on the Christmas pudding this year because you drank it all and turned your brain to mush, you bumbling, drunken fool.

Regardless. Mincemeat is not mince.

Now, where were we, ohhh yes…

“Darling, I love you dearly, you are the light of my life, the air in my lungs and everything that is good in my world. But for fuck’s sake, STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!!”


(stolen from the ever lovely Gunnella)

… you are living in 2006 when:

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

I’m only posting this because I did (14) and I am laughing. For the record, I don’t do 6, but have a wife who does… and 3 should be expand to say that you don’t KNOW the numbers as they are stored under names on your mobile. These are the times.


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