Tag: <span>Dear Sir Madam</span>

It begins “Dear Sir/Madam,” and, being the former, I read on.

Objection to proposed Mobile Phone Base Station (Aqua Court/Nature Trail, O2 Cell Site: 040762)

I pause at this point. I have an O2 mobile phone, it has a crappy signal in my house, the new cell site would be up the hill a bit, off to the side of the road (not a particularly nice site either, ignore the bit about ‘nature trail’ it’s a path between two housing estates).

YES! FINALLY a better mobile phone signal. BRILLIANT!!

Then I remember that I live in a community and, perhaps, there are good reasons as to why someone would object to having a good mobile phone signal in their house. I pause and despite some serious thinking whilst I watch an episode of Scrubs (the one where they all drift in and out of a medieval fantasy, hilarious!) I can’t think of any off the top of my head. I can only surmise that, with it being 2009, if you don’t have a mobile phone you must be ‘of an age’ that views those that carry them as suspicious, communist-card toting luddites. Or hippies. Or, god forbid, a Liberal Democrat.

So I return to the missive and read on. And on. And on. I’m less than half way through the first few sentences when I give up.

I know who has put this through my door and I’m sure he means well but I’m hungry and can’t really be bothered reading it all. However I vow to read the rest of the missive later, noting that the return address is included, figuring that once I’ve done some of my OWN research I may (or may not) sign in agreement and post it off.

I do note that there is no option to disagree with the stated objection, thereby agreeing that the erection (waahey!) of the base station should go ahead, but decide to cross that bridge later.

My troubles behind me (for such things do trouble me, dear reader) I turn my attention to more timely and important matters, namely unlocking Everlong by the Foo Fighters in Guitar Hero World Tour on the Wii. I’m midway through one of the songs in the setlist (Sweet Home Alabama by Lynnrd Skynnrd if you must know) when the doorbell chimes.

I pause the song, annoyed, and stomp to the front door. Lo and behold the very man who pushed said missive through our letterbox today is back to “collect my signed copy”.

Now, I’m a reasonable man but there are a few things that irk me greatly and one is people who make assumptions on my behalf. That just makes an ass of you and an umption of me, and there is nothing I hate more than being an umption, let me tell you!

“Ahh I’ve not signed it, not sure I will to be honest”, says I, confident that’ll put the wind up the cheeky sod.

“Ok, no problem, cheers”, he says, all too cheerful. How very dare he! Not only has he made me an umption of me, but he has the gall and sheer affrontery to be cheery about it!

I am irked, possibly even miffed, by this and am left with no other option.

I reach out and grab him by the throat and, whilst squeezing his windpipe and cutting off his air supply, I reiterate my dislike of being an umption and, just when he’s approaching his final breath, I let go. He drops to the ground and I stand over him for a moment to make sure I haven’t killed the old bugger (he’s 70 if he’s a day) and, satisfied he isn’t going to die whilst on my property, consider the matter closed.

I turn and close the door firmly, but not before he’s choked out a final “sorry to have bothered you…”.

So, dear reader, I’m sure you feel my pain. It seems I shall remain adrift in a calm sea, with no mobile signal to billow my sails.



OK, this is a little long but for once it’s not complete jibberish or a request for money, nor will my penis grow larger and I won’t become rich overnight. No no, this spam is about vampires.

Yes. Vampires.

Apparently there is a group (collective term anyone?) of vampires hanging around in Tottenham. Google suggests that no-one has reported this type of spam (in combination at least) before. How bizarre.

Entire email is pasted below with the errors as received.

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am writing to you about a gang of satanic practicioners in your midst that have been exposed enough, by the social changes that have been occurring in the world economy and national society genetic science, for me to complain. This gang is international, a multi cultural group of people who make contact with their victims such as me through the welfare services
and the public services that the government set up for the people in society. Places like the education system. They have a loyalty to darkness, kings and princes( typical vampire culture in the films) but are always hanging around the welfare system which they are poliically opposed to (plenty of undereducated poor people – typical vampire and mass murderer feeding ground). I am certain they are the snuff movie culture in britain.

Comments closed