Category: <span>Poly Means Many</span>

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

Over the last few years I’ve shied away from making any New Year resolutions. However the fact remains that as the calendar year ticks over, it’s natural to reflect on the past with a desire to change things.

There are always the usual desires and goals, but one thing I am hoping to improve is how to better manage my own moods; both the shorter term spikes of annoyance (usually when plans change, even if those plans were only ever in my head) and the typically day long flat periods when I just want to push everything away.

I know the latter will happen from time to time, and that sometimes I just need to call out for some time alone. It’s all part of keeping the balance and I’m lucky that both my partners understand that. However the short term reactions, the quick spikes of annoyance, are the ones that I’d like to figure out. I won’t eliminate them, I’ve long had a short fuse, but I would like to get a better handle on it.

I’ve always had a bit of a short temper. It rarely manifests itself into more than a glare or an expletive but I know that those can be just as damaging as any physical expression of anger. I know that I can come over as a bit of a grump at times, so I think my focus is more about creating space for me to be happy and a lot more relaxed about things.

There are various factors that prompt these flare ups, as I mentioned a lot of the time it’s because something hasn’t gone the way I thought it would, usually something trivial. I have the bad habit of planning out a day with ‘rough’ times only to find myself annoyed when those times aren’t held to even if it makes no difference at all to the day. Typically I won’t have communicated my thoughts well enough, if at all, and that can then cause one of my loved ones to think I’m annoyed with them.

I’m not. I’m annoyed at myself for getting annoyed!

It’s something that comes and goes though, and even those spikes of annoyance rarely last more than a few seconds as, if nothing else, I at least know that it’s happening and quickly adjust. But I still don’t like that it happens, which I guess is a good thing as hopefully that means I’ll do something to try and change it.

Outside of my own reasons, it should also mean an improvement in my relationships as I know my communication skills suffer when I’m in a grump, not great for a poly setup!

I will fail at this resolution, not completely as it’s not really a resolution at all, but those little spikes of grrrrr will still crop up, hopefully less often than in the past. It’s interesting that despite Kirsty and I having been together for a few years now, they still can be an issue. It’s the same for Clare and I, but a little more understandable as she’s still learning about me.

And there we have it. The real reason I want to improve, because a happier more relaxed, less grrrrr me = happier partners. And I think that’s something that’s worth throwing some resolve at.

Life Poly Poly Means Many

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Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

The end of the year is approaching and so once again those of us in non-monogamous relationships start to look at our shared calendars and figure out who will be where and when amid the myriad of additional social engagements that always roll around at this time of year.

Case in point, I now have some form of ‘get together’ every Friday until Christmas, all of which involve food and booze and, therefore, limit my ability to be around on the Saturday morning after them; Dear Santa, I know I’ve not been a good boy but still… can I please have some willpower for next year?

Add in the social commitments of everyone else, both in my relationships and my wider circle of friends, and it starts to get a little challenging to see the people you want, when you want!

All of the planning is worth it though as it removes some of the stress of the unknown and, for us, is made easier by the fact that we are a year further on with our relationships and much more comfortable with the dynamics of our relationships. So from Christmas Eve through to Boxing Day, we already have a sense of who will be where and can figure out the details closer to the time.

That said, just this past weekend we’ve uncovered a couple of glitches in the thinking, back to the planning board!

More excitingly, we are also planning for the four of us to go away over New Year. We tried a Hogmanay street party last year and it turned out not to be the greatest idea ever – who wants to stand in a queue at a bar for AN HOUR! – so this year we are all looking forward to hiding away, stocked up on food and booze, board games and books, for a few days.

I will admit that I’m usually the one keen to get plans in place, but this past year has taught me to be a lot more relaxed about that – for the most part – so I’m totally NOT freaking out that our festive plans are still a little vague, nope, not me.

Beyond the plans there are other more mundane things to consider, presents to buy and gifts to be wrapped.

I mention the latter purely because I screwed up last year. I’m a big fan of ‘little gestures’ and so I was well chuffed with my plan to wrap presents for Kirsty and Clare in their favourite colours, purple and red respectively. One evening I gathered the presents together, popped Elf on the TV (because silly and Zooey) and started wrapping.

It was only when I stepped back to admire my handiwork (I even posted it on Instagram) that I realised I’d wrapped the presents for Clare in purple, and the presents for Kirsty in red… Oh well, can’t win them all!

For me, the festive season is a time to be around friends and family, to remind myself of what is important. It’s a time to reflect on how lucky I am, and how much love I have in my life. The older I get, the less I care about ‘things’ and the more value I place on being happy.

Wherever you are, however many loved ones you have in your life, I wish you all the very best and hope your festive season is a good one.

Poly Poly Means Many

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Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

Time to fess up. For the longest time I didn’t really give the concept of ‘coming out’ all that much thought as I didn’t think I had anything to come out about. I considered myself straight, monogamous (and I’ll throw in white, male, middle-class as well). I was the ‘norm’, my world view was very narrow.

A close friend came out to me during this time and I remember thinking, so what? He’s my mate, as long as he’s happy, what’s all the fuss about? Of course my reaction wasn’t what mattered at all and today, as part of a minority that isn’t understood, I am starting to better understand why coming out is so important.

For me coming out about my poly lifestyle is about my own freedom, about living honestly and not living a lie, maintaining my own integrity. It is not about seeking approval, just as it’s not about raising awareness. The latter is a by-product, for sure, but that’s not the end goal.

For me it wasn’t a big surprise that coming out garnered no negative reactions with my friends and family. I’m not a big fan of drama and tend to be careful about who I let into my life, so my nearest and dearest are level headed, open minded, supportive and understanding, which is pretty much as I expected.

But that’s not to say telling them was a walk in the park, it was a lot more nerve-wracking than I had imagined.

My biggest concern was my parents, not that I thought they wouldn’t understand, but that they would think it wasn’t right for me and that I wouldn’t be happy. Coming off the back of a long marriage, despite the divorce being amicable, I knew they’d wonder if I was diving into something new without proper consideration (to be fair, I’ve a tendency to make quick decisions and they haven’t always worked out).

That said, they were as supportive and understanding as I hoped they’d be. They’d already met Kirsty, could see she makes me happy, and were aware that we were both open to see other people (I think I used the term open relationship the first time I told them) but it was a couple of months into realising my relationship with Clare was becoming more than just ‘dates’ that I realised I needed to make sure my parents realised the difference between an open relationship and polyamory.

I’m still not sure they fully understand it but they are happy that I’m happy, and were very welcoming when they first met Clare last year. My sister was the same and although she is a little bemused by it, and has stated a few times she definitely couldn’t do it herself, like my parents she just wants me to be happy.

Like I said I’m very lucky; my friends and family have listened when I asked them and life has continued pretty much as normal. Only the occasional ‘should I invite both your partners?’ type enquiry reminds me that whilst I’m comfortable within our poly setup, it’s still a bit of a minefield for others.

Outside of my friends and family the reaction has been mixed. It’s not something I’ve announced at work, but a few people are aware that I have two partners. There have been a few odd comments but those most stem from misunderstanding the way our setup works*. I’ve found myself talking about poly in general terms a couple of times, but it’s not been something that many have asked about.

What’s important to me is that I don’t ever shy away from being honest about my situation. The most frequent conversational gambit that brings this to the fore is the Monday morning “How was your weekend?” question. The more I’m asked, the more comfortable I feel replying honestly.

“It was great, I spent Friday night with Clare, had some lunch and did some shopping with her on Saturday, then met up with Kirsty for dinner and a movie on Saturday night. Then me, Mark, Clare and Kirsty got together for Sunday lunch… anyway, how was your weekend?”

* This is understandable as there is no ‘right’ way to do be poly. Some people have clear primary/secondary style relationships, rules around who can do what and so on. Our poly doesn’t have that structure, and is based on trust, communication and love.

Poly Poly Means Many

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Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

Towels.

No-one told me that being poly would mean I have to buy more towels. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I didn’t have any towels it’s just that I only had a couple which isn’t exactly ideal when there are more than two people who want to have a shower on the same, or subsequent days. And we all know, for many reasons beyond their simple drying capabilities, that towels are very important, after all:

any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still know where his towel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with

Towels.

So I went and bought two thick, fluffy new towels. A purple one for Kirsty, a red one for Clare. I have yet to buy myself a blue towel with yellow stars…

No-one told me I would have to buy towels. When Kirsty and I first discussed the wonderful possibilities that lay in front of us in the land of polyamory, towels did not come up in the conversation. Nor were they mentioned in any book, article or blog post that I read at the time… or since for that matter.

But that’s ok. A couple of towels is a small price to pay and it’s a small, simple gesture that affirms relationship status, and we shouldn’t discount the power small gestures have. Think on how good it feels when you make someone smile with a small act of kindness. That there is the towel effect (as I’m now calling it, apparently). The towels say ‘you are part of my life’, ‘our relationship is important’, the towels also say ‘let me dry you’ … but that’s a whole other thing.

Simple acts of kindness are commonplace in all good relationships; small gestures, little presents, signs of partnership and love that are personal. So, whilst these things aren’t unique in poly relationships, they maybe hold a little more weight than we sometimes realise.

It’s not about keeping score, or always being unique — as well as buying both partners towels, they also have their own Scrabble letter mugs in my flat for those coffee in bed mornings — but it’s a simple way to show that each person is as important as the other.

Don’t get me wrong, these small gestures won’t save any relationships, and if they dramatically impact the relationships negatively then I’d suggest you have other issues to confront but so far it’s been nice to learn the likes and dislikes of my partners and to try and accommodate them as best I can in my home and my life.

I keep a good supply of tea in my flat. I don’t drink tea but Kirsty lives on the stuff. I am not a big wine drinker on the whole, but I have a few bottles in because Clare prefers drinking wine. Both of my partners have a ‘drawer’, and a pair of hair straighteners live in my flat (and I clearly have zero need for those myself). Pandas, kittens. Leopard print, leather.

These are little gestures that cost virtually nothing but let the people I love know that they are part of my life. It’s important to me and once you start noticing these things, and sharing them with your partners it becomes infectious. I’ve lost count of the number of times when, wandering round the shops with one of my partners, they exclaim ‘Ohhhh, she’d love that…’ in reference to the other.

As yet the little gestures haven’t really needed to extend to my metamour but as chance would have it, he and Kirsty are away for a few nights so I get to help him out and feed his cat whilst they are away. Another little gesture.

Within our little poly family we don’t have a sense of primary and secondary partners. Kirsty and I have the longest running relationship but that gives me no ‘rights’ over and above Mark, or Kirsty over Clare. So perhaps, for us, these little gestures carry a little more weight as they (hopefully) reaffirm this belief and ultimately contribute to a happy, loving group of people.

The little things count, that’s for sure.

Poly Poly Means Many

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

It was an odd time for the best of reasons.
 
I was happy with my life, embracing changes to my lifestyle and enjoying the exploration of new ideals, new friendships, a whole new scene. Kirsty and I had been together for a over a year and, having both come out of long term relationships we had started, tentatively, talking about polyamory, open relationships and the variations that are available. It helped that we know some people who are poly and had a basic understanding of how things could work.
 
We did some research and we talked a lot about what it might mean for us both, what direction it might take our relationship and more. It’s important to emphasis just how much we talked, it wasn’t always easy, but we tried to talk through the ‘what ifs’ as best we could. A short while after that, Kirsty started seeing a guy we both knew. 
 
I can still remember the first night when I knew they were together. It was not fun. At all.
 
I was ok for the first couple of hours, I distracted myself by doing some tidying up, pottering around my flat aimlessly. Normally Kirsty and I txt each other every couple of hours if we aren’t together so not hearing from her also added to my anxiety. How were things going? Were they sitting chatting? Were they listening to music? Were they kissing? Were they in the bedroom?
 
I remember going to bed, trying to sleep but struggling to think of anything else other than them, together. It was horrible. I couldn’t process it much beyond repeating that this was ‘allowed’, this was ok, and that it was just because it was the first time. 
 
Society beats us over the head with the world view of monogamy, of finding the ‘one’, of exclusive partnerships. I knew that I didn’t hold with that view, I knew that Kirsty and I had discussed it and both of us agreed that we were choosing polyamory for the right reasons, we both believe that one person can’t be everything to another. People may try but there will always be a part of them that falters at something, they may then try and fake it but ultimately there will be things that just don’t quite work. Why not admit that and accept it as a reality?
 
In my past I’ve pushed aside the things I was failing at, accepting them as compromises, as things that ‘just were’. During our chats about being poly, Kirsty and I both realised we’d done the same thing, put part of ourselves aside for the good of our relationships, or so we thought. Chatting through the possibilities of polyamory made us both realise that it could work for us and that we owed it to ourselves to try.
 
As I lay in bed I comforted myself with those thoughts, with the fact that this was part of the journey and that it’d change over time, we’d talk about things and figure out how to make them work and, if they weren’t working, we’d talk about changing them, one way or another.
 
But that first night, alone in the dark with only my thoughts and fears for company, wasn’t fun. Comparisons popped into my head, is she having more fun with him than she does with me? Is she more relaxed? Is he better for her than I am? What if they have sex? Will he be better at that than me?
 
The next day we talked. And we talked a lot more in the coming weeks as Kirsty explored her new relationship, we discovered limits, communications issues and it became easier for me each time she was with him. 
 
A couple of years later and Kirsty and I both have partners and the wobbles come back from time to time, thankfully not as strongly as they have in the past. These days I know they are temporary and likely caused by my own insecurities or fears, just as I know that talking them through with my partners will help all of us be stronger. 
 
Part of me wonders if the polywobbles ever stop, and then I realised; if they did that’s when we should be worrying because it signals a time when we no longer care as much as we should for the people we love. So bring on the polywobbles I say, they remind us we are alive.

Poly Means Many

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Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

This month, the Poly Means Many crew are pondering metamours; I can still remember my thoughts when I first read that word… “what does that mean?”, I had a rough idea but wasn’t sure so let’s start with a definition. A metamour is the partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship (1). That means, for me, I have one metamour, Kirsty’s other partner Mark.

I’ll admit I wasn’t sure how this part of being poly would work out. It’s one thing being in a position to explore other relationships that I want, quite another to have to assess a potential relationship with someone you didn’t directly choose to be part of your life. Kirsty and I didn’t set out any expectations of being able to ‘veto’ a potential partner, mostly because we trusted each other to be honest but, perhaps, it was also with a view that any relationship with a metamour only had to be … tolerant? civil? I’m not quite sure what the right phrase is…

For me, I realised early on that part of being polyamorous is being open to new experiences and realising that one person might not be able to meet all of your needs all of the time. We all grow and learn and our needs and expectations, desires and wants, change accordingly. With that in mind, it’s been interesting to see the differences between Mark and I, how they relate to Kirsty, how they translate in my relationship with my other partner Clare, and how that influences the relationship between Kirsty and Clare.

I like Mark, he’s very laid back, level headed and obviously cares deeply for Kirsty. The three of us have chatted through some difficult times recently and he’s usually the voice of calm reason. In comparison my emotions bubble quickly, raw on the surface and I tend to be much more pushed to quick action. Both approaches have their advantages, and disadvantages, and gives Kirsty two distinct voices to consider (which can be an issue in and of itself of course!).

But seeing the relationship between Kirsty and Mark grow has been both fascinating and enlightening. I definitely think it’s made my relationship with Kirsty stronger, prompted me to consider myself in a new light and that, for me, is a huge bonus of the metamour relationship and not one I’d even thought about. Having additional people in your life who bring different views, experiences and expectations has made things richer for all of us.

Other than a few emails here and there, Mark and I don’t hang out together on our own so our interactions are limited to times when Kirsty is around but, like the rest of our poly relationships, we’ve found something that seems to work; this way also means that I don’t feel like I’m overstepping boundaries, I’m aware that Kirsty and I have been together for several years now and don’t want the ‘weight’ of our relationship to have any bearing on the relationship she has with Mark.

As a group, the four of us hang out now and then and that definitely helps, as do the simple things of shared calendars and regular communication. Mark and I will occasionally check in with each other, and he and Clare get on well. We have some interests in common which also helps, and overall we seem to have found a system that works for everyone.

I had some apprehensions about this part of being in poly relationships but I know that any concerns will be discussed and solutions found. I know some people who have very close relationships with their metamours, and others who barely know them, and I guess that’s the point. Acknowledging that the metamour relationship is important, as is defining how it works, beyond that anything else is a bonus.


Want to read more? The Poly Means Many project has touched on this area before.

Poly Poly Means Many

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Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

Poly Bingo

Poly Bingo – credit to BiteyTheSwitch.

One of the reasons I got involved with the Poly Means Many project was because it had helped me and my partners, and my partners partner, as we got started in our poly relationships. On my part I had a reasonable idea of how things would work but I’ll own up and admit that I had some misconceptions of my own.

When this topic came up for discussion I started to revisit those to see just how much I’d learned. It’ll be no surprise to hear that I’ve learnt a lot. There are some misconceptions that I had, but the first thing I learned was that there isn’t a ‘right’ way to do poly, you find what works for the people in the relationship and work at it as all the relationships change.

Actually, when this topic came up for discussion Kirsty suggested it would be a good way to set up a poly bingo card and so I started to collate some ideas only find out it’s been done already.

The bingo card isn’t a bad starting place though as it does cover a lot of the misconceptions that I’ve experienced; Are you afraid of commitment? You must have loads of sex! Ohh so you are swingers?

It is probably fair to say that a lot of the misconceptions I’ve heard and experienced are centred around sexual activities, or at least what people think might happen in an ‘alternative’ relationship system. The thing is I don’t mind people being ill-informed if they are open-minded enough to learn, so a lot of the comments I hear I’m happy to take a little bit of time to try and help whoever made them be a little better educated. That can drag me into longer and deeper conversations but as our relationships are built on honesty and trust, and no small amount of communication, I tend to focus on that to explain how our poly setup works.

Unfortunately not everyone is open minded.

Kirsty was on the receiving end of some nasty comments when someone found out she was in an open relationship. He called her a slut among other things. Still make me angry, even typing that. How dare he! I can only presume that statement is built on many misconceptions and assumptions. Horrid.

Thankfully aside from that, the four of us haven’t had too many negative reactions, certainly nothing as strong and ill-informed as that. Most of the questions are fairly standard and certainly seem to be driven by the curiosity of something new.

Let’s play Poly Misconception Bingo!

Are you Mormon?
No, and you are thinking of polygamy (plural marriage).

Are you afraid of commitment?
Quite the opposite, I am very committed to my relationships and worked hard at both of them.

How do you have time for all that?
It’s not always easy but try and keep a balance that suits everyone, we probably schedule things a little more than those in monogamous relationships.

Where do you all sleep?
We don’t live together, so … in our own beds? Why do you think we all live together?

Don’t worry. You’ll find the one someday.
I did. Then I ‘found’ another one. I’m very lucky. I also believe that I can be in love with more than one person at a time.

What happens when you say the wrong name in bed?
Depends. Mostly you get teased or called an idiot. We are all adults and know that these things can happen.

What about diseases?
A sensible level of testing and precaution is needed and understood by all of us. It’s the same level I’d imagine most sensible single people take.

When are you going to pick one?
Because I don’t need to, we believe that it’s possible to share your love and life with multiple partners.

Were your parents like that?
No they weren’t. They also don’t have tattoos, they’ve never been to Africa, and I’m about a foot taller than both of them. They might have been if they’d had the chance but I think society is more accepting of alternative lifestyles these days (still not as accepting as I’d like). I was brought up to be kind, caring, and open-minded though so yes, my parents probably played a part.

Do you every get tired of having sex all the time?
Yes. Sex is RUBBISH isn’t it… Seriously though, the relationships aren’t about sex, they are about being a relationship, companionship, shared interests, all that good stuff. I just have the opportunity to have sex with two different people on a regular basis.

I could never do that.
It’s not for everyone for sure, a lot of people are very happily monogamous. I was for a long time too.

Marriage is between one man and one woman.
Actually it can be two men, or two women these days. Governments are still trying to get their head around any further possible gender assignations though (they need to sort that stuff out).

You just sleep around, then.
Nope, I have two partners. I don’t go out looking for one night stands, not that that is a bad thing either, as long as you are upfront and honest about it. Adults are allowed to have sex.

Isn’t that cheating?
Definitely not. Honesty is a massive part of polyamory, both my partners know each other and know that they are my partners, same for Kirsty’s partner Mark.

Oh! So you’re swingers!
Nope. We just have a set of interconnected relationships.

Which one is your favorite?
Well that depends, one is my favourite girl with dyed red hair, the other is my favourite girl with dyed purple hair. Or, I love them both very much, they are both my favourite person to hang out with.

You people must never have body issues.
I can’t even… wow. We do. Trust us. We do.

Will you have a threesome with me and my partner?
Depends, send me some photos…

What about the children?
That’s illegal!! Ohhh.. you mean poly families with children? No idea as we don’t have any, try Red Peril’s blog.

So you aren’t satisfied with just one person?
Yes I am, very. But I believe my life is richer with more love in it.

I wish I could do that!
You can. It’s not easy, and it might be painful to get to a position in your life where it could be an option. Try reading some of the posts on www.polymeansmany.com for some further thoughts.

What will happen when you want to settle down?
What do you mean by settle down? Today I am in two relationships and have been for over 10 months. We are pretty settled thanks.

If my wife slept with another woman, that would be okay, but definitely not another man.
I think you have your own issues to deal with before you worry about any you think I might have…

Don’t you get jealous?
No. Envious yes, but there is a distinct difference between being jealous and envious. Don’t get me wrong, there were jealous thoughts in the beginning so if you are going to try this be aware of that, but we got through those with some talking and a lot of cuddles.

And there’s something that rarely figures in any discussion about poly relationships, do you realise how many more cuddles there are to be had? And more cuddles is never a bad thing!

 

Bonus link: Eight Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory (Before I Tried It and Fucked It Up)

 

Poly Poly Means Many

Letting Go

The title of my website is largely true. I’m aware of my flaws and foibles and, for the most part, I accept them and I’m happy within myself. However that doesn’t mean I’m not on the lookout for ways to be a happier me.

I’ve discussed in the past how I’ve taken steps to remove ‘negativity’ and recently I’ve extend that to a more introspective practice; I’m trying to making peace with the things I can’t control, I’m learning that letting go isn’t as bad as I think it is.

Bear with me, I realise this will sound very obvious; why would anyone in their ‘right’ mind get uptight, annoyed or upset at things they cannot control? Road rage is an excellent example of this, the energy expended in vitriol and rage is a waste, it won’t change what has happened and, while it may influence the other party involved, you can’t control how.

One bite at a time

It’s easy to say these things, simple words to utter but much much harder to put into practice. However, in accordance with the old adage “when eating an elephant take one bite at a time” I’ve decided to start to tackle this by focusing on small pieces of my life, one part at a time and I’m starting with the one that just so happens to be my biggest source of stress, my job.

For those that don’t know me, I have a bit of a thing for timeliness. Meetings that start late annoy me and it still staggers me that some of the smart people I work with can’t use a calendar to follow a schedule (there is a special place in hell for those that are late for meetings they arranged). What can I do about that? Ultimately, nothing.

Part of me wants to go into a ‘workplace culture’ rant at this point, how ‘broken window’ syndrome has many facets… but I won’t.

In the past, these occurences used to make me angry and annoyed. Part of me took their lateness as a personal insult, part of me didn’t understand how it can be that I can be on time but others can’t. Futile thoughts and I shudder to think how much energy I wasted on such things.

These days, rather than sitting in a meeting room waiting on people to arrive I do one of two things. I either a. suggest to those already in attendance that we start the meeting b. use my notebook and phone to do some quick tasks (reply to an email for example). After 10 minutes I’ll get up and leave, presuming the meeting will be rescheduled (if it happens without me I’ll presume it wasn’t important that I was there anyway, although that’s also presuming that the type of meeting has been clearly communicated in the first place).

Learning to let go

It has thrown up an interesting challenge though. I’m a very driven, goal oriented kinda guy, so being passive about something isn’t in my nature; the two lovely ladies in my life and I have chatted about my need to ‘fix’ things so it’s not just a work thing but it comes into play there more often than not.

But the more I let go of things, the lower my stress levels drop and the better my health seems to be. It’s a balance of course but I think it’s starting to work.

So what?

Why am I doing this? Because I’m fed up being stressed and worrying about things that I don’t need to worry about, things that I want to do but which are frequently impacted by external forces beyond my control. I can’t stop some things happening, I can’t control the emotional response of others, and I need to stop worrying about that quite so much (I will retain a level of empathy of course, I’m not a monster!).

Figuring out which things to stop worrying about hasn’t been easy, I’ve chopped and changed on my approach on this; Do I start with the presumption that I shouldn’t worry about anything and that everything that needs done will get done by someone else, and so anything that is truly mine to do will be escalated to me? Or do I start by choosing the things I don’t think I should be worrying about.

I’m taking things on a case by case basis at present but so far by letting go of some of these things, when coupled with the avoidance of “negative energy”, seems to be making a different.

Poly Poly Means Many