Category: <span>Life</span>

I write a lot about my feelings, my thoughts… but generally as they pertain to others, or how they react to certain situations. Add to that the fact that it is difficult to take a subjective view of one’s self, and, well, it’s no surprise I don’t focus on my internal emotions more.

So, without further ado, here is the canned analysis of me.

I tend to suffer a lot from envy, in almost every form. I see success and wealth (which I equate as one and the same) and wish it were me….is that envy? I am also far too materialistic. I have to have the latest gadgets, the newest technologies, the coolest accessories. Add to that the simple fact that I am inherently lazy, and you have a problem. I won’t work hard enough to get the success/wealth I envy, but constantly strive for it.

I do feel intimidated, although I’m not sure if that is the correct word, when in certain company, and I suppose I long for acceptance, or at least that feeling that I’m not being tolerated, that the laughing is not false, that they aren’t thinking ‘God, what a dickhead’. In saying that, it doesn’t bother me too much, it’s more of a dull ache, or that niggling thought you get when you know you have forgotten something.

As with everyone else, a lot of my current make-up stems from my childhood, my formative years. I remember my childhood in different parts, some good, some bad, but I relate more to the memories I wish to forget more than the good times. I wonder if sometimes I am trying to create a problem where there isn’t one, but why? To be the centre of attention? I don’t enjoy that sphere, well that’s not strictly true, I enjoy it when I can control it, manipulate it, but don’t thrust it upon me, you will get no thanks for that.

I was never really ‘one-of-the-gang’ at school, and desperately wanted to fit in, to be liked, to be popular. I realise now that that was never going happen, that I am different, that I don’t go with the crowd. In fact I can remember vividly the day I confronted those very thoughts.

These days I’m more focussed on myself and how I see me. I try not to think about the way others perceive me, and I no longer worry too much about cosmetic details (I do need to lose weight, but that’s a health thing…). I probably over analyse things, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing…is it? Mind you, if I don’t do that, you wouldn’t be reading this, would you?

Do I think too much? I don’t think so, but that’s mainly because I don’t really control what I think about, which is part of my downfall. I don’t control my mind, I let it wander, trampling all over various thoughts and issues in my head, finding unused paths, and broken street signs. If I had a clearer roadmap of what I was thinking I would get much further, at the moment I seem to be re-visiting a lot of districts and badly-lit alleyways.

So that’s me. No doubt I will read this at a later date and write some more, probably contradictory, stuff. What about you?

Personal Musings

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I’ve known Louise for over 10 years, and we’ve just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. She is my friend, my lover, and my wife. She will be the mother of my children (soon darling…soon), and carer of numerous puppies/kittens and maybe even a parrot(?). We have been through a lot together, and survived it all. We now have a relationship that will support us.

We can be friends when we want, lovers when we desire, and if it wasn’t for that funny choking thing she does when she brushes her teeth in the morning, the relationship would be perfect (I don’t have any faults…)

To outsiders, we may not seem close. We are not a ‘coupley couple’, we don’t go in for large public displays of our love, and we both respect each others space and boundaries. Admittedly I’m not as demonstrative as I could be, but I’m a lot better than I was. We understand each other, almost to a psychic level – Keith can confirm two occasions – and are comfortable in each others silence.

Our long history helps us, experience and hindsight guides us, and neither of us can imagine not being with the other. I was once asked, how I knew I loved Louise. I struggled to put it into words, how do you qualify love? The best answer I could give was:
I can see us growing old together.

Doesn’t really capture the magic does it? But it is the stability, the reliability, of our relationship that we both thrive from. Day-to-day our love flows smoothly, always present, burbling in the background, every now and then swirling noisily, splashing, gurgling, but always flowing, carrying us onto our future.

Three years, so far so good (well for the most part), here’s to the next three, and the three after that…but let’s not plan ahead too much, who knows where our river will flow?

Personal Musings

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It feels odd to discuss it after almost a year. It was a strange period of my life.

My overall memory was of a feeling of numbness, that nothing was really happening, that I was stuck in a weird dream. I could hear myself talking, saying horrible, horrible things but it didn’t seem like me. I was detached to the point of self-delusion. It felt like there was a glass wall between me and the rest of the world.

Of course, from my point of view I was fine. Yes, I’d made a few major decisions, one which I will regret for the rest of my life, but Louise came back. Trouble was I couldn’t figure out what all the fuss was about. I felt nothing, thought little (to begin with) and let my life unravel.

I do remember that my concentration was completely shot, my mind would veer off constantly, I couldn’t take any thought through to its conclusion, and whilst day-to-day activities weren’t a problem, as soon as I had any free time I would end up sitting, thinking about a million and one things, and not registering any of them. That was when I started writing. It was a way to capture my thoughts, to help me retain a sense of sanity. I would return to the writings, and start over, but each time it would descend to nothing more than a ramble. Slowly the ramble started making sense.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step. I started worrying about my state of mind, and looking back I had started to come out of the numb state I was in. All of a sudden I realised I was alone and I wasn’t coping. So I decided to get some help, that buzz word of the late 90’s – counselling.

A few counselling sessions later – voilá – I was cured. No it wasn’t that easy, but I was helped by the fact that I could analyse my own thoughts, in the end all I was getting out of the sessions was agreement.

As is the same the world over I have several traits and personality quirks that I can trace back to my parents, and further back to theirs. My main problem was that I hadn’t ever realised who I was, I had the impression that I was living a life that was expected of me, and yet I was constantly telling myself (and others) that my parents brought me up to be free thinking, and let me build my life the way I wanted it. The path I took was to try and create the son I thought they wanted. Of course all they wanted was me, however I turned out. I came out of the counselling sessions searching for myself, and slowly I’m beginning to find the real me.

I was pessimistic, always looking for negatives, I have failed many times, and hurt many people, friends and family alike. Now I no longer dwell on matters I can’t control, and I’m constantly looking for positives, although I do still keep a wary eye on the negatives, it’s now a sideways glance every now and again.

The main positive: Louise and I are now stronger than we ever were, or ever thought we could be, and that is one of the oddest things – that so much good should come out of my depression. Add to that a much stronger relationship with my parents, and all in all the last year has been the best I can remember.

Personal Musings

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Planning for the future is an eternal habit, ‘I will lose weight’ ‘I will sort out our finances’ ‘I will exercise more’ ‘I will get myself better organised’.

Never works though, does it? I’ve had plenty of ‘fresh starts‘, ample opportunity to take control of my life properly, instead of ambling along with the same old (bad) habits. Never seems to work.

Well I’m about to make another fresh start and I’m determined that, this time, it will work. I know I’ve said it before, but I’m determined! No longer will I have to suck in my gut when walking on the beach, I won’t have to search the racks for the ‘next size’ trousers. I will start eating healthily, nurture my body and mind, and develop my integrity. We will go on holiday, start a family soon, and I will get a 1966 Mercedes SL convertible (white of course).

No seriously…I will (stop laughing at the back!)

Of course starting all of this is easy, keeping it going is the difficult bit.

Around 10 months ago I made several promises to myself and to Louise. I’ve not been to bad at keeping them (though I’ve had to be reminded of a few) and our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. We talk when we have problems, laugh when we don’t and I buy her flowers every now and again for no reason at all. She is my confidante, my friend, my lover, and soul mate. Even if it did take me a while to realise it. Anyway, I digress…she always makes me do that.

Naturally, Louise and I have plans, and they are simple. Get a house, start a family, live happily ever after. That’s it. Yes, wonderful holidays, new cars are all hoped for, but they are not, and never will be, the main aim. We plan to be together.

And have a white 1966 Mercedes SL convertible…(but a ’84 would do!)

Personal Musings

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Sometimes at night the darkness and silence weighs on me.
Peace frightens me.
Perhaps I fear it most of all.
I feel it’s only a facade, hiding the face of hell.

I think of what’s in store for my children tomorrow;
“The world will be wonderful”, they say;
but from whose viewpoint?
We need to live in a state of suspended animation,
like a work of art;
in a state of enchantment…
detached.

Detached.

Neil Hannon – The Divine
Comedy

~

Connection is made, the words strike me. The search for utopian ideals, one that has eluded so many before me, continues. It remains constant, unreachable. A need to retreat, to hide.

“The hurt of lost,
the longing of one,
the distance from those,
the untouchable”

I wrote those four lines a long time ago, and have since found many different meanings for them.

It’s funny, I don’t consider myself a loner, I enjoy company too much for that, but sometimes I HAVE to be alone, whether its just a case of slipping off somewhere with a book, or throwing on the headphones, closing my eyes, and ending up somewhere different altogether. A past favourite was walking up into the hills behind where I used to live, getting off the path. No-one around, just the sound of the wind.

Contemplation, reflection, silence. Sometimes difficult to achieve, sometimes hard to resist, often too easy to get dragged into. Small pauses in daily life, thinking (dreaming?).

Detachment from life is easy, keeping yourself grounded is the challenge. Creating your own existence, your own sphere. Creating distance is no challenge. The distance can help, and hinder at the same time, but is always attainable. How it is used is the issue. The big picture is the aim. Looking down is to abuse the distance.

Lost direction a bit, paused again. What am I trying to say? Anything? Nothing? SomeTHiNG?

Ramble over.

Personal Musings

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“The hurt of lost,
the longing of one,
the distance from those,
the untouchable.”

Four lines.

Many meanings.

As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I wrote those four lines a long time ago, I think I was about 17 or 18, vaguely around one of the times I split up with Louise (which as certain people know, happened now and again). Since then it keeps appearing in my head, for no reason that I can fathom, and each time it seems to take on a different meaning.

“The hurt of lost” – doesn’t apply anymore, but when did it? Is the loss perceived or a reality?

“the longing of one” – I long for many things, or is dream a better term? Many things I can’t achieve, many things I have.

“the distance from those” – distance, when used properly, keeps perspective, but from who?

“the untouchable” – inferiority complex? Lack of self-confidence, feelings of exclusion?

No matter how hard I try, I can’t pin this down, but maybe that’s why it still intrigues me after so long. Do I really need an explanation? Like many things, it may be better not to know, but surely, as my brain keeps recalling it, it must have some significance.

Maybe I think too much, it has been mentioned. I’m convinced it has a relevance, it must shelter something, or is it just too vague to really mean anything? Maybe that’s the appeal.

If you have any ideas, please let me know.

Personal Musings

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Many things in life are prone to change, many for better, some for worse, but all for a reason. Change has been a big feature in my life for the last 4 or 5 years. Louise and I have moved to our 7th flat together (in about 5 years), with one more move planned after that. I’ve changed jobs 4 times in 3 years (although two were redundancies), and my whole outlook on life has changed dramatically (if you really need to know).

I now crave stability, or at least I think I do. What if it has been the constant flux of life that has kept me going, kept my mind active, my soul alive? I long to settle down, get a house (a back garden!) and start creating a home. I long to get my career started properly, instead of just gaining experience. Most of all I long to create a constant space. A place which isn’t and will not be affected by change.

But – what if?

You cannot, and I refuse to, let ‘what ifs’ rule your life, but they are always there, and it does frighten me. I know I want to travel more, so what if settling down will make me feel trapped? We will start a family within the next year or two, but what if the arrival of another person, another responsibility, makes the binding of home, the lessening of change, even stronger? What if….?

But change is good. I know it is. Changes in me.

Not even a year ago, the ‘what ifs’ would have won. The worry of uncertainty (the certainty of chance), would have prevailed, and manifested itself into hate and depression. But not now. The very thing I once worried over, dwelt on, that dragged me down, is no longer the enemy, it is the saviour, the redemption.

We have no control over the future, no matter how hard we might try. Every choice has its repercussions, and whilst everyone must be considered, the ripple effect is unstoppable. We cannot control it, and we should not try. Change makes life interesting, for good or bad. Without change we wouldn’t live, we would only exist, and I can think of no fate worse.

To be robbed of the life that change brings would surely be the cruelest torture. The monotony of routine, slowly choking. Differences, changes are what intrigues us all, the differences in thought, action and deed. All of these are changes, and all of these provide life, provide experience, provide stimulation. They nurture our minds and souls, and create changes within ourselves.

Many things in life are prone to change, many for better, some for worse, but all for a reason.

Personal Musings

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Why do you need a website?

OK, how do you answer that?

“Well everyone else has one…”

Oh, and if everyone jumped off the Erskine Bridge, you’d follow them?

“Because it’s cool…” (which it isn’t, so don’t ever use this answer)

You think so? it just means you can’t get a real life

And so it goes (which is a wonderful Billy Joel song) basically your only available answer is to say – “You just don’t understand it…”

But it does get you thinking, why do I need to do this? The answer to that is simple – I don’t need to. I could stop tomorrow, no really I could…
So the question is almost back to the original – Why do I have a website?

Well it started as an area where I would dump stuff, where I experimented with bits and bobs for other websites, then it started to grow. The main problem is updating. I tend to do things in mad rushes, nothing for weeks, then a whole slew of stuff in a couple of days…

It is an outlet, as with everyone, I have ideas, thoughts, emotions running amok. Some I commit to this site, others I let wander around in my head for a while, most disappear into some dusty corner or other, only to re-appear at odd intervals.

So what you get here is just what’s in my head, nothing amazingly profound, well not usually, and nothing to extreme, in fact I’m ecstatic that you’ve read this far – thank you very much.

Anyway, I only need one thing in my life, and she knows who she is.

Personal Musings

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