Author: <span>Gordon</span>

It’s annoying sometimes, isn’t it – the way you want to do so much, but seem incapable of doing any of it. I annoy myself constantly, and catch myself frequently promising things I can’t deliver. Regular updates to this site for one! (but hey, I never promised that…did I?)

It relates back to plans and promises, and seems an endless circle. Each time I promise anything I get two, sometimes three, steps into it, and stop. I’ll spend less time on the PC – two weeks later I’m back to the usual 1 a.m. stints. I’ll go the gym…tomorrow…I’ll get better organised..well actually that ones not going too badly.

The main thing I have to learn, I think, is to realise who am I, what I am like, and stop trying to adjust. Compromise is one thing, and there is a fineline between the two. At the moment, the way I’m thinking, a compromise isn’t too bad, but I’m beginning to despise trying to adjust.

I kicked off the new year in fine style – ready to go, bubbling over with enthusiasm. Now I’m back round again, back to that familiar place. Exercise would help, it helps clear the mind, but I haven’t gone to T’ai Chi, nor found basketball. The gym at my work mocks me as I walk past it, everyday.

I know by this time next week I will be getting annoyed at myself again, and once it has built up enough, I will do SomeTHiNG about it. Why do I have to wait? That is the one thing, the question I return to. Why do I wait?

I know I’m lazy, but then, it depends on the task at hand. I was once told (OK, often told) that “We all have to do things we don’t like doing” and the REALLY annoying thing is that I agree. I know that, yet I can’t seem to force myself to do it. At the weekend I get bursts of restlessness, and leap up and do a few things on the ‘list’, but I never get them all done.

Are time-management and prioritising my biggest weaknesses? I don’t think so, professionally I find it easy, and rarely run into problems (well not ones that occur because I haven’t planned). Maybe I need to make my personal time more professional? Hmmm might just be the answer…in which case, I have dinner scheduled, so please excuse me, I must go.

Personal Musings

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The internet is a wonderful thing, it has removed boundaries, and connected the world. Three cheers for Tim Berners Lee!!

Or perhaps not…

I was looking through some of my rants on here, and was quite shocked to find how quickly I had forgotten the incidents and issues I was so vehemently spouting about. Well, forgotten isn’t really the right word, but the issues had certainly slipped to the back of my mind (which I must clear out soon).

So what is this an indication of? My lack of integrity and true morals? Probably. But I think, or maybe want to believe, that there is another answer.

How many emails do you READ a day? How many news sites do you visit, on whatever topic? Information overload? The internet moves so fast, with new information coming so fast you feel cheated in your favourite “obscure 70’s Arcade games” website hasn’t updated it’s news for one day. I’m conscious that I spend too much time on the PC, and far too much time on the Internet – which is costing me a fortune, let me tell you Americans, you’ve got it easy! – and I am beginning to realise that my attention span is, well, is it decreasing? or is it ravenous for more?

The thought of sitting down to read a book seems almost prehistoric. Novels don’t contain the latest version of the wonderful shell you’ve been raving about, do they?

Pretty soon, something you thought about last week, seems like last month, and events creep past you, barely registering. Yesterday’s news is now last hour’s news. Scary.

I hope that future generations will remember to interact with the world outside their PCs (yes, there is one), keep a good sense of right and wrong, and remember past mistakes. I’m part of the first generation not affected by World War 2, and it seems so long ago now, especially in a new century, but we mustn’t forget. Now what we need is a global repository, that can be accessed from anywhere in the world, listing the atrocities, and reminding future generations of what can happen.

Dammit, I hate it when my brain does that to me…

And I think I’ll leave the back of my mind alone, I had a quick look and, frankly, I don’t want to go back…

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8th January 2000 – a Saturday night.

It was raining, cold, and miserable. We decide on the Balloch Hotel, it has that cosy, homily feel that pubs seem to lack these days. It also DOESN’T have music pumping at 200 decibels (oh god, I’m getting old).

So we sat, drank beer, and talked. It was great.

We covered recent events in our lifes, discussed what we hoped the future would hold, told crap jokes, and finally, as we always do, started reminiscing.

There aren’t many people that I consider as good friends, but on Saturday night, mine were all there. We have been through a lot, laughed, cried, argued and fought. No doubt we will go through more, and remain friends.

The true testament was how easy it was. We are different people to when we first met, almost 7 years ago, and our life’s have all taken twists and turns (you should know about mine by now). Without slipping into old personas, we did slip into a comfortable routine, OK, so some of the jokes are getting old (like IC! tee hee), and a lot of the stories weren’t funny at the time, but SB and I are talking now ;), but it was still a good night.

We will have others, but as it was the first get together of the ‘old class’ in a long time, it seems to have kicked started my year. Hopefully we will all stick to the resolutions we made, for some of us it will be easier than for others. The advantage is that we all have each other to lean on.

Personal Musings

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Section 28 of the Local Government Act of 1986.

2A-(1) A local authority shall not:
(a) intentionally promote homosexuality or publish material with the intention of promoting homosexuality.
(b) promote the teaching in any maintained school of the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship.
2A-(2) Nothing in subsection (1) above shall be taken to prohibit the doing of anything for the purpose of treating or preventing the spread of disease.

I thought I’d check my facts on this one, and I am disgusted at what I found. I’m not sure what scares me more, the fact that someone actually wrote this, and it got passed as law, or that there are still so many people willing to support it. But if they are narrow minded, they have every right to ensure their children are educated to the same degree.

I am lucky that my parents brought me up to be able to think for myself, even if that meant I developed views that they don’t agree with. I also realise that not everyone shares my views and beliefs, is that such a hard concept? Live and let live.

So let’s break it down (why does that sound like I’m trying to be ‘hip’?).

Part 1a. intentionally promoting homosexuality. Firstly, what happens if the local authority unintentionally promotes homosexuality?
Anyway, Presumably this statement was made to ensure there was no confusion over how homosexuality is viewed in society. After all it is an illness, a perversion and they should all be outcast…right?

Part 1b. homosexuality as a pretended family relationship. ???? I just don’t get this one. Is the government 100% happy with family life in Scotland? I would venture that a lot of homosexual couples would make much better parents than a large number of straight couples. Simply – each case should be looked at on it’s own merits. Some homosexual couples will not be suitable, in the same way that some heterosexual couples aren’t.

Part 2. spread of disease. This is insulting. Scientific evidence, and population surveys have shown that your sexuality doesn’t matter, you’re just as prone to disease if you are not careful.

The outrage, anger, and…and…well I’m not sure if I can put it into words. This issue has got me so wound up! It almost starts to cause despair – I thought the society we lived in was more advanced, but maybe that’s my fault, maybe I should open my eyes, I could say the same for others.

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I enjoy working with computers. It may be sad, but it is true. I will quite happily sit for hours on end, tweaking a database design, updating a website, designing a skin etc etc. I don’t play games on it much. Recently though, it’s been taking over a bit. I’ve been spending more and more time on it, neglecting the important things.

At the moment I have this website, Instant Ideas (a resource for hospital radio in the UK), and the Hospital Radio Lennox website which needs drastically updated. We have a couple of databases for our CD’s and video’s and I’m planning one for MiniDisc as well. I am in the midst of creating skins for WinAmp and WindowBlinds to match the various default colour schemes that are supplied with geOShell (my latest find), and I am coordinating the documentation team for geOShell. This is just in my spare time…

Now, the database stuff isn’t a priority, neither are the skins, the website stuff needs doing once every week or so, and the documentation shouldn’t take too long. In theory. However I still sit, night after night, bashing away at the keyboard.

So far, I’ve managed to keep most of my promises – the exercise and weight thing fluctuates, so it’s time for another one. I need to be more upbeat. More lively. Do more!

The Ta’i Chi class will help, and we are going to start exploring the local pubs. We are both afraid of turning into an ‘old married couple’. Some aspects of that are nice, but it doesn’t sit well with us.

So from here on out, updates to this site will be fewer, and long term it may disappear altogether – I no longer feel the need to rant, rave, and generally bore you all with the workings of my mind, and I no longer think it benefits me. I’m not sure though, we’ll see.

Upbeat will be the way, the attitude and the manner. Fingers crossed.

Personal Musings

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The Chinese president is visiting the United Kingdom (well England anyway). The government is hailing it as an excellent opportunity to bolster trade links with China, and with figures of £2.2 billion being bandied about, it certainly seems to be important.

Money is the big issue. Hidden behind ‘trade links’, ‘increased profitability through working ventures’ and various other spin phrases, money is the driving force behind the wooing of Jiang Zemin. So far Tony Blair and his assortment of cronies have managed to appease the general public, and haven’t really screwed up too badly – until now.

I watched scenes on the television of policemen tearing down banners, physically restraining, and arresting those people who chose to demonstrate against Zemin’s oppressive regime. The official word from the government is that the police were under no special instructions.

Lies. I have never seen such scenes take place in the U.K., and it spanks of Zemin’s own regime. I saw no protestors try to harm the Chinese president, they were not hurling eggs, or threatening violence. So why tear down their banners? We have the right to voice our opinions, no matter who they are against.

The actions of the police were no doubt sending a message to Mr. Zemin, and that message was sent from the government. Were they trying to show the strength of this country? Trying to show that we too do not tolerate ‘radical elements’?

The censoring of the protestors showed the world one thing – that the U.K. will abandon any integrity it had, and side with Jiang Zemin.

The events in Tianamen Square, over 10 years ago, left a scarring impression on those who saw them. The Labour government has sided with that regime.

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I write a lot about my feelings, my thoughts… but generally as they pertain to others, or how they react to certain situations. Add to that the fact that it is difficult to take a subjective view of one’s self, and, well, it’s no surprise I don’t focus on my internal emotions more.

So, without further ado, here is the canned analysis of me.

I tend to suffer a lot from envy, in almost every form. I see success and wealth (which I equate as one and the same) and wish it were me….is that envy? I am also far too materialistic. I have to have the latest gadgets, the newest technologies, the coolest accessories. Add to that the simple fact that I am inherently lazy, and you have a problem. I won’t work hard enough to get the success/wealth I envy, but constantly strive for it.

I do feel intimidated, although I’m not sure if that is the correct word, when in certain company, and I suppose I long for acceptance, or at least that feeling that I’m not being tolerated, that the laughing is not false, that they aren’t thinking ‘God, what a dickhead’. In saying that, it doesn’t bother me too much, it’s more of a dull ache, or that niggling thought you get when you know you have forgotten something.

As with everyone else, a lot of my current make-up stems from my childhood, my formative years. I remember my childhood in different parts, some good, some bad, but I relate more to the memories I wish to forget more than the good times. I wonder if sometimes I am trying to create a problem where there isn’t one, but why? To be the centre of attention? I don’t enjoy that sphere, well that’s not strictly true, I enjoy it when I can control it, manipulate it, but don’t thrust it upon me, you will get no thanks for that.

I was never really ‘one-of-the-gang’ at school, and desperately wanted to fit in, to be liked, to be popular. I realise now that that was never going happen, that I am different, that I don’t go with the crowd. In fact I can remember vividly the day I confronted those very thoughts.

These days I’m more focussed on myself and how I see me. I try not to think about the way others perceive me, and I no longer worry too much about cosmetic details (I do need to lose weight, but that’s a health thing…). I probably over analyse things, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing…is it? Mind you, if I don’t do that, you wouldn’t be reading this, would you?

Do I think too much? I don’t think so, but that’s mainly because I don’t really control what I think about, which is part of my downfall. I don’t control my mind, I let it wander, trampling all over various thoughts and issues in my head, finding unused paths, and broken street signs. If I had a clearer roadmap of what I was thinking I would get much further, at the moment I seem to be re-visiting a lot of districts and badly-lit alleyways.

So that’s me. No doubt I will read this at a later date and write some more, probably contradictory, stuff. What about you?

Personal Musings

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Look around Britain at the moment, teenage mothers, childish television (I’m with Melvyn Bragg on that one), millions claiming all sorts of ludicrous benefits, and a distinct lack of education. As far as I can see, there are two sides to this problem.

Side 1 (Heads)
The government is proposing, once again, a new way to improve our education system. They have offices full of people, sitting behind their desks, drafting the latest scheme. The scheme will drastically improve the standards of our education system, and enable Britain to grow and proper, placing us back into the position we should occupy. “Now, we have consulted the experts, the staticians, and the spin doctors (after all this has to appeal to the voters), is there anyone else? Nope, don’t think so – let’s publish it!

Remember your favourite teacher at school, everyone does. Miss Scott (now Mrs. McClusky) was mine. I actually started enjoying English, the Merchant of Venice took on a whole new meaning, she opened my eyes to the prejudices of the world, and taught me how to handle them. Anyway, I digress.

Do you think the government has bothered asking Miss Scott about the latest ‘improvement’ scheme? Of course not. They are quite happy to instigate new schemes and policies without actually asking the people, who will be expected to carry them out, if they will actually work.

Teachers these days have goals, and schools are placed into league tables. I used to work on a profit related pay scheme, and if I made my goals I got a bonus. If teachers reach the goals set, they get….more goals!! If they don’t reach them, they get ‘re-trained’, so they can achieve them next time. The criteria set for the ‘league tables’ is ridiculous in the extreme. Each school must fit the criteria. Period. Surely, individual schools should be graded individually. How can you grade one school against another? If one year’s exam results are good – the students have done well, congratulations. If the following year’s results aren’t as good, then the teachers or the education system are to blame.

Side 2 (Tails)
Quite simply we are already into second and third generations of non-education. It is too late for many kids, as their own parents suffer from apathy.

Yes, it is a vicious circle and kids today, living in the welfare state, have an increasingly difficult time getting a good education. This is not helped by parent’s attitudes. Let me put a picture in your head – Two mothers standing outside a shop, drawing on cigarettes, gossiping. Their kids running riot. One mother glances over at them, and says “Hey, stop that..” and returns to her conversation. The kids pause, and then continue what they were doing.

Why do these people have kids? They are obviously not interested in them, as the slightest diversion is all it takes for the child to be ignored (if Corrie is on for example…). These children are crying out for the attention the parents don’t give.

The rest of this is still brewing in my head – I’ll pick it up later on.

Addendum: I should point out that both my parents are teachers, Mum is a primary school teacher (infants), Dad teaches secondary school (young adults?) and my sister has just started University with the aim of….becoming a teacher. My view in this matter is probably tainted by what they have to say, but I make no apologies. I say it as I see it.

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