Product: Gordon McLean
Model: GM-01
Manufacturer: Lynda & Ian McLean
Country of origin: Scotland
Year of manufacture: 1973
Recommended operating environment: Somewhere with coffee, books, music and access to the outdoors.
Before use
Please ensure Gordon has had sufficient sleep.
This is not a suggestion. It is a requirement.
Coffee should be provided shortly afterwards. Snacks are optional but strongly recommended.
Failure to follow these instructions may result in reduced performance, mild grumpiness and an increased tendency to stare into the middle distance.
Assembly
Gordon arrives mostly assembled, although certain components require regular activation.
These include:
- cycling
- reading
- listening to music
- watching films
- walking
- being outside
- eating ice cream
- eating potatoes
- watching Formula 1
- watching The West Wing
- spending time with his wife
- spending time with his son
These are not accessories. They are core components.
Cycling mode
Gordon must be allowed to cycle.
There is no known upper limit, although there may be practical restrictions involving weather, daylight, work and the patience of other members of the household.
Do not attempt to substitute a stationary bicycle unless absolutely necessary.
Warning: cycling may lead to the acquisition of bicycles, clothing, bags, tools, gadgets and other things that are technically described as “essential”.
This is normal.
Reading mode
Books are essential.
Gordon should be permitted to read whatever he likes, whenever possible. He may occasionally disappear for a while and be found having “almost finished” a book.
This is normal behaviour.
Do not interrupt unless coffee, food or an actual emergency is involved.
Music system
Compatible with an unnecessarily broad range of music, from things released before he was born to things released approximately five minutes ago.
Do not assume that because Gordon likes old music he has stopped listening to new music.
He hasn’t.
A song may also trigger an unexpected memory, a desire to write something, a story about a night out in 1990, or a sudden need to create a playlist.
Television compatibility
High compatibility with The West Wing.
Episodes may be rewatched despite Gordon already knowing exactly what happens.
This is considered normal.
Gordon may occasionally say that he will “just watch one episode”.
Do not believe this.
Formula 1 mode
Gordon is compatible with Formula 1.
During qualifying and races he may become unusually interested in lap times, tyre compounds, pit stops, strategy, weather forecasts and events occurring hundreds or thousands of miles away.
Do not interrupt during a race unless absolutely necessary.
This may affect system stability.
Outdoor requirements
Gordon functions best with regular exposure to trees, hills, paths, rivers, coastlines and generally being somewhere that isn’t indoors.
Long walks are particularly effective.
Nature is not an optional decorative feature.
Extended periods indoors may result in an urge to go somewhere, anywhere.
Cinema mode
A good film may be substituted for cycling, reading or walking in emergencies.
A bad film should not be used as a substitute for anything.
Known high-compatibility directors include Hitchcock, Wes Anderson and Christopher Nolan.
Gordon may also become distracted by discussing why a film works, why it doesn’t work, what the ending means, or whether a particular shot was deliberate.
Ice cream module
Ice cream is fully compatible with Gordon.
Availability should be considered when planning journeys.
There is no known requirement for a special occasion.
Potato system
Potatoes are a fundamental component.
Chips, mash, roast potatoes, baked potatoes and other configurations are all supported.
The system does not recognise the concept of “too many potatoes”.
Family module
Wife: Essential.
Son: Essential.
These are not optional accessories and should never be described as such.
Gordon loves them both enormously and, despite the manufacturer’s attempts to make him appear mildly complicated, they are the most important components of the entire system.
Any operating environment should therefore include sufficient time for family.
Apple compatibility
Strong.
Gordon is likely to own several Apple devices and have opinions about software.
He may spend considerable amounts of time trying to make one Apple device do something that another Apple device already does perfectly well.
This is not considered wasted time.
Photography
Photography functionality is installed.
Gordon may take substantially more photographs than will ever actually be looked at again.
This does not mean the photographs were unnecessary.
Writing system
Gordon may occasionally decide to write something.
This can take anywhere from twenty minutes to several decades.
The writing may begin as a simple thought and develop into a blog post, a story, a memoir, or several thousand words about something that happened thirty years ago.
Do not interfere with the process.
Travel compatibility
High.
Particularly compatible with Scotland, cities, interesting places, good food, long walks and anywhere with something worth looking at.
Gordon is also compatible with getting slightly obsessed with the details of a place before visiting it.
Trivia storage
Large quantities of apparently useless information may be stored internally.
This information may concern films, music, technology, cycling, places, books, television, history, Formula 1, something that happened in Ibiza in 1990, or the lyrics to Boom Shake the Room.
The information may become relevant without warning.
Nostalgia function
Built in.
May be activated by:
- a song
- a photograph
- a smell
- a place
- a film
- a television programme
- an old advert
- a particular year
- an entirely unrelated cultural reference
The system may, at times, leak from its eyes, this is normal behaviour.
Once activated, the system may produce a story.
Allow sufficient time.
Music storage
Large capacity.
Gordon may have an unreasonable number of songs saved, categorised, remembered or vaguely associated with a particular time, place or person.
Music is not merely entertainment.
It is also a filing system for memories.
Ageing hardware
After more than five decades of continuous operation, some components are beginning to show signs of wear.
The knees are no longer entirely convinced by stairs, hills or the concept of getting up from the floor.
The back occasionally requires a reboot.
Extended periods of sitting may result in stiffness, followed by the need to stand up and make a noise that was not included in the original specification.
Gordon is advised to stretch occasionally, move regularly and stop pretending that his body is still running the 1990s version of the software.
Recovery times may be longer than previously expected.
This is normal.
Please do not refer to Gordon as “old”.
The system is mature.
Some of the components are simply developing character.
Troubleshooting
Gordon appears grumpy.
- Check coffee levels.
- Check sleep levels.
- Check snack availability.
- Check whether he has been allowed outside recently.
- Check whether Formula 1 is currently on.
Gordon is staring into the middle distance.
- Probably thinking about a song, a book, a film, a random memory, somewhere he would like to go, somewhere he has been, something he has just remembered, or something completely unrelated.
- Leave him alone for a few minutes.
Gordon says, “I’ve got an idea.”
- Proceed with caution.
Gordon has bought another cycling accessory.
- This may be a temporary condition.
- Do not challenge the purchase until all receipts have been located.
Gordon says, “I just want to check something.”
- Allow additional time.
- This could mean anything.
Warning: Do Not
- Do not deprive Gordon of coffee, sleep, books, music, cycling or potatoes for extended periods.
- Do not suggest that The West Wing is “just a TV programme”.
- Do not ask whether Formula 1 is “just cars going round in circles”.
- Do not assume there is such a thing as too much ice cream.
- Do not remove his family from the operating environment under any circumstances.
- Do not interrupt a good book.
- Do not interrupt a good film.
- Do not interrupt him when he is writing unless something is on fire.
Maintenance
For optimal performance, provide:
- Coffee.
- Sleep.
- Books.
- Music.
- Cycling.
- Films.
- Long walks.
- Nature.
- Ice cream.
- Potatoes.
- Formula 1.
- The West Wing.
- Time with his wife.
- Time with his son.
- Repeat indefinitely.
No batteries required.
What are your thoughts?