It was a fairly standard evening. We’d had our dinner and were watching a little TV together, it’s part of our routine to unwind and destress from our working days, we chat over dinner and then spend a few quiet moments sitting together, distracting ourselves with (currently) episodes of Modern Family.
As soon as she is allowed Sasha hops up on the sofa and straight up onto my lap. She likes to sit with her back to me, front paws on my knees, so I can give her a hug and a tummy rub/claim me as hers. We think it might be related to abandonment issues (she’s a wee rescue) and she only really does it with me because I’m a boy. Regardless it’s wonderfully sweet if slightly weird to have this little dog just sitting ON you.
Then as she moves around to make sure she’s the only one getting my attention her front claws start digging in and it’s time to heave her off before she draws blood (again!) don’t worry though, I know it all comes from a place of love…
So, that’s where you’ll find us most evenings, with Sasha happily ensconced between us on the sofa – important to note that she is BETWEEN US to make sure I’m not giving Becca any attention! – and Dave roaming around, chewing a toy here, boofing at the window on occasion at a passing… leaf? we are never sure…
Dave isn’t really one for being patted, but start scritching is lower back and that’ll get his tail wagging. Alas – in Sasha world – that means she isn’t getting all the attention which means she’ll then attempt to plonk herself back on my knee or, worse, jump down and instigate yet another snarling play fight over a toy that neither of them have bothered about all night.
For the record, it’s only worse because they make a bloody racket, it’s all (snarling) play but suffice to say I’ve now just accepted that all TV is watched with subtitles.
Aside: Did you know that when they are playing together, dogs will sneeze every now and then to confirm it’s ‘just play’ and not an attack? Funny wee things these fur babies!
At 8pm the dogs get their dinner and some (most) nights Becca will head up for a bath. With only one ‘grown up’ left in the living room both dogs settle down pretty quickly; Sasha will get nicely sprawled on the sofa, snoring away, Dave lying next to her having spent the last 30 minutes grooming his best pal, vigorously, with his tongue (for the record, that’s Sasha, although he’s not adverse to helping me ‘clean’ my hands at times).
I sit there too, deciding what to watch, or what to read, or whether to fire up the PlayStation.
These small moments in the day are peaceful and quiet (snoring aside), and I feel calm and happy.
Through the early days of lock down, with the outside world more distance and muted, I started to take a little time to just sit and do nothing and revel in the silence. For those that know me, I’m usually busy doing something (I am the son of my father for sure!) so it’s odd to catch myself, more and more often, happily doing nothing.
I didn’t fully realise I needed these moments until they arrived. It’s one thing planning to meditate for 10 mins or so but that in and of itself still requires me to do something – it’s a practice so you need to work at it – whereas these quiet contented evenings have sort of snuck up on me. I guess it’s partly a mix of better understanding my own needs, a further quieting of that nagging voice in my head that, for so so long, was always saying ‘you should do something’, and feeling supported, seen, heard and loved.
Sure I am happy, but more than that, I am content.
It’s a word I’ve found myself using more and more to describe how I feel these days. Even in the midst of a global pandemic there has been a sense of calm, of care, of love in our home; a sense of balance which has been there since we first got together and which I’m much more attuned to these days.
It’s odd to realise such a simple thing, to recognise that your life is in a great place, that your future is exciting and full of possibilities.
Becca and I chat about our future often, we know where we would like it go, and we know that no matter how it pans out we will both be in a place where we are happy as long as we are together.
Oddly it feels like we have MORE opportunities ahead of us, rather than a narrowing of options of our shared circumstance. It’s a bewildering thing to contemplate, given the current state of the world, but with an eye to the future I’m already wondering if there are better things I can be doing with my time.
Part of that, and this is no coincidence, has been the last few months of enforced working from home. I know I’m lucky that that is an option at all but the more I think about working back in an office environment, the more I wonder why I’d put myself through that. I am far more productive, and whilst some of the challenges remain, I am fundamentally happier working this way.
Mind you I’m not sure what else I could do (I still need to earn money after all) but part of me doesn’t really mind not knowing. I feel secure enough that I trust that we will figure things out when we need to and, until then, I’m just enjoying what I’m (officially now) considering the second phase of my life.
I’m 46 years old. That number still baffles me but I can still remember a younger me that had plans built around financial success, that focused on material possessions, and like many people my age I’ve made my fair share of mistakes. I know that I have learned from those and in one of those universally truthful cliches it really does feel like all of THAT was simply steps I had to go through to get to where I am now.
Like I said, we have some plans that are already shaping up, and until they come to fruition I’m just going to keep on being grateful for everything I have; the happy home I live in, the wonderful, smart, compassionate, kind and caring (and also beautiful and hot) woman who lets me share her life, for the joy our two little mischievous dogs bring to our life every single day, and for this oddly new state of always feeling happy from the minute I wake up to the moment I fall asleep.
And I know all this to be true as I’ve been keeping a Gratefulness Journal going for the past couple of months and, when you boil it all down, I find myself being happy for the right things and for the right reasons.
Life can seem complicated at times but it’s truly not, it’s very simple if you can learn to focus on the best bits and let all the other noise slide away.
It’s take me a long time to get to this place and the best bit is that there is still so very much left to enjoy, so much more happiness and joy to explore.