Month: <span>April 2015</span>

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at

Despite having written many posts for Poly Means Many, and many more that are introspective, the topic for this month has lead me to revisit some uncomfortable conversations and realisations that I’ve had over the past few years. Truth be told it’s been good and is probably something I should do a little more often.

When you first start out on the poly journey all the articles and books suggest that you take some time to check in with yourself, to assess what you want and above all to be honest with yourself.

It’s a lot harder than it sounds but it is the bedrock on which a lot of the other structures that a poly relationship needs is built.

Honesty, like understanding, begins at home, with yourself. In order to be honest with another person, you must first be honest with yourself, and part of that means recognizing and acknowledging the reality of who you are and the reality of your situation.
From More Than Two

For me I had to revisit the root causes of my depression and my tendency to presume unspoken expectations; it meant I had to be honest with myself that I like to be the person that helps, the person who ‘fixes’ things; it meant I had to realise that I need to keep time for me, rather than overcommitting to ‘make other people happy’.

There is a wealth of conversations, realisations, dark moments and tears behind a lot of that, and some of it still bubbles up from time to time and catches me off guard. The difference now is that both my partners are aware of this and I know that I can (and should) talk to them about how I’m feeling.

It wasn’t always the way but, as I’ve been told many times, I need to look after myself so I can look after the ones I love. So whether I’m just alright, doing ok, or feeling good, I am honest about my mood and what I think might be causing it. It’s only fair to my partners, and it’s important for me to acknowledge as well.

Being poly isn’t easy, you need to account for the emotions, energy levels, schedule and desires of others, it’s a constant balancing act which is made all the easier by being honest. Only then are you being true to yourself and only then can you avoid the negatives that can creep in, the build up of small pockets of stress that can lead to blowouts and confrontations.

For me the key to looking after myself is to be honest and to realise that I am allowed to call out for help, or to reschedule a night, or change plans, as long as it’s being done for the right reasons.

Poly Poly Means Many

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Never settle. Always push for more. Strive to be better.

Why is it that the older I get the more these clichéd phrases seem to resonate? When did my life become the subject of motivational posters?

Demotivator poster

Perhaps I’m realising that life is actually quite simple, and that no matter how I try to bend things into weird and wonderful shapes, how many layers of my own issues I pile on top of each day, life will keep on keeping on.

Maybe it’s because I’m more accepting these days, I more relaxed about some of the things that used to get me down or stress me out. Maybe it’s because I have a better understanding of what failure means, that failing is not a bad thing but not trying or not caring enough to try is where the demons lie.

Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much
Or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s

Baz Luhrmann – Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen)

I changed the name of this blog a while ago and the current name seems to fit me more and more. It is an acceptance, a statement of contentment, but it doesn’t mean that I’ve settled for how I am.

A few weekends ago (I’ve been ill and only getting back to this draft now) I realised that there is still a lot I can be better at, I think I summed it up well enough in my reply to a tweet from @pennyred.

My tweet to @pennyred

I know I have a lot still to learn about many things but increasingly there is a tumbling mess of words at the forefront of my mind that I know are all linked in some way but that I haven’t quite sorted out in my head yet; Privilege, Misogyny, Discrimination, Feminism, Labels, Sexuality, Appropriation, Mis-gendering… the list goes on.

There are many more words, emotions, morals, and sensibilities in this space that all seem to smush together into one big amorphous blob. They are all accompanied by a varying (and thankfully increasing) level of knowledge, a desire to be accommodating and understanding when needed, to be more active and vocal when required, and to large shut up and pay attention to the many people who are smarter than me.

Even then if I do manage to pull all those ideas and thoughts together within my mind, I’m not even sure I should be putting my ill-informed, if well-meaning, ramblings out into the noise. Who needs another man spouting his opinions anyway, we’ve got plenty of those already.

So for now I will continue my journey of learning more, leaning back and looking for opportunities to help. I will not be passive, I will be engaged, I will be respectful. I will learn.

I will get it wrong, but failing is ok, and that is why I consider myself Happily Imperfect. I am happy that I am still on the journey of improving myself, that I still want to challenge things I see and hear, and that I still want to ask ‘Why?’ more often than accept the way things are.

Life Personal Musings

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