My Mother is an idiot

First things first, she’s not really, but I’ll get to that… This is a post in two parts although it wasn’t planned that way.

Considering the title of this post (which was hard to type, believe me) I thought it prudent to pre-warn Mumsy less the shock prove to much and send her to the drinks cabinet. Rumour has it that world gin supplies are low so I sent her a draft copy just to be on the safe side. Plus I knew if I posted it without consultation she’d just hang about in the comments making corrections.

Originally I had planned to re-write the draft with corrections but instead I’ve cut down my original bit, and left her reply intact.

The Draft Post
It’s not that she’s scatter-brained, I mean my Mother is one seriously well organised lady, she OWNS lists. And it’s not that she’s stupid, for although Dad and I tend to let her and Louise win at Trivial Pursuit, that’s only so we can have a quiet life and if I’m honest, they do legitimately beat us on the odd occasion. And of course she isn’t really an idiot.

No, it’s more that, occasionally, she just doesn’t really seem to concentrate and there are two stories which nicely demonstrate this.

Story 1
The location is our local high street and my Mum and my Aunt Anne, who is driving, have just parked in a side street to let my Mum ‘nip to the cashline’.

My Aunt Anne patiently sits in the car and waits.

My Mother goes to the cashline, extracts her money and walks back to the car.

She gets in.

The rather bemused man sitting in the driver’s seat looks at my Mother and says “hello”.

Meanwhile my Aunt Anne, who has just watched my Mother walk up and get into the wrong car, is laughing her head off.

Now, admittedly I have been told that both cars were very very VERY similar. But part of me thinks that they both just happened to be blue. Ish. (re-read this last bit, it’ll be useful later)

Story 2
The location of this story is, again, the local high street and specifically the (now defunct) John Menzies. My Mother is in buying a copy of the Radio Times, when she spots my Uncle Bill standing in the other aisle, with his back to her, perusing the photography magazines.

My Mother wanders up behind him, leans in and huskily breathes: “hello sexy”.

To which the rather bemused man turns to my Mother and says “ummm hi…”

My Mother, to her great credit, realises her mistake, blushes appropriately, apologises and makes a hasty retreat. (note: or so I thought!)

And it’s only when I write out these stories that I realise that the common theme isn’t my Mother’s occasional errs, but the continued presence of bemused men. Which kind of explains that look my Dad has on his face most of the time…

The Corrections
OK, so here is what I got back from Mum. I’ve added in a few details (the bits in brackets) so it makes a little more sense to others.

Just a tiny point or two but you did ask me to check it

Re: Story 1
Yes the cars were very very similar, one was red and one was silver (G: !!!!!!), in my defense the door handles looked identical and I was extremely excited and overwhelmed at the time because the cash line had actually let me take some money out.

Re: Story 2
Not only did I whisper sexily in his ear I also tickled the inside of his thigh, don’t ask it’s just a thing between friends, Pascal liked it too but we are going waaay off course here – you have to do it upside down for him though cause he lives in Department soixante neuf (G: Pascal is French)

I said ‘Oh I am so sorry I thought you were someone else’ to which he replied ‘I’m sorry too, who’s the lucky man?’ I found out later he was our ex MP’s son and spookily he drove the same make of car as Bill – he still says hello to me which is – nice?

Did I ever tell you about the time I was down town with Anne – I think this is the root of the problem, I’ll have to find somebody sensible to go with – she was in a shop and I stood outside to wait for her with Rowan (Anne’s dog) at the edge of the pavement. A wee old buddy came along and said ‘Wait and I’ll see you over dear – there’s nothing coming’ She thought it was a guide dog….. You should have seen Anne’s face when she came out of Boots and I was across the road not wanting to move till the wee lady was out of sight. I often wonder how I get into these situations but it does give us a laugh at the henny! (G: my mother and her ‘hens’ meet regularly, hence world shortage of gin…)

Now that you are older I might tell you some of the other tales…….(G: Nooooooo)

So there you have it.

I’m now officially lost for words.

Well, maybe I can manage a few more. Love you Mum, you mad mental woman you!!


  1. The reply to story 2 had me howling – I’m at work and now everyone wants to know what I’m laughing at! I think your mum is my new hero (heroine?).

  2. These (and probably countless others) are the makings for family history in decades to come. I am jealous. My own mother has such medical troubles, I am the grown daughter who cares for her.
    By the way, none of the examples imply a manipulative, mean objective at all!

  3. Love you too – sorry madness is hereditary.
    I think it says a lot for the men of Dumbarton that they didn’t hit me over the head or drive off and have their wicked way with me – or maybe I am uglier than I think.
    In defence of the little old lady, Rowan(we omitted to say dear reader) was a golden retriever – a breed often used as a guide dog. I sort of see where she, the little old lady, was coming from – the same planet as me obviously.

  4. Yes I’m afraid madness is hereditary – you get it from your children.

  5. I once got in the wrong car too. In my defence, I was waiting to be collected by my then boyfriend and the person driving the car had come to the house and rung the doorbell. So I had the wrong car, they had the wrong house. It was dark. I’m not sure who was more embarassed. But when the person did come to collect me I made my mum go out and check it was the right car before I got in. (This was about 15 years ago, I no longer live with my parents.)

    I also once alerted security at Asda beside my mother’s that my dog had been stolen, having come out of the store to find him not tied up outside. I was in hysterics. Until I remembered that a big black dog had been tied in my usual spot, so I’d tied him up at the back entrance instead to avoid a fight. He was very pleased to see me.

  6. Cat – I just knew there were more of us!! I once staggered home with heavy bags of shopping only to remember I had taken the car and had to walk back for it.

  7. Gordon’s Mum, my own mum once left my baby brother in his pram outside the newsagent for two hours and only realised because the house was incredibily quiet… You are definitely not alone!

  8. My Mum was a hoot and I miss her, but I am continuing in the family tradition… embarass them as often as possible, always unintentionaly of course. I left my car in a car park and walked all the way home with a pushchair and shopping too. Petrol in a diesel car is another one.. got twelve miles away before the car complained. (Son and husband have also done this!) Once got called home from a dance, on the coldest night ever, as the alarm was ringing. Unfortunately we had left home thinking that the other one had the keys. Husband got in through an open upstairs window with great difficulty, closed the window, came down opened the door and police and neighbours left, and just as the nice minister from the dance turned up with our buffet plates, he YES shut the door. We broke in quietly after thanking him. SO Dads can be idiots too!

  9. Thanks Ian’s mum for the story about dads – I was beginning to think this was a female thing.

  10. no jks i love my mum soooooo much shes the coolest mum in the world dont pay any attention to wat i saidxx elkie 🙂

  11. Okay, so my mom is so dumb. she’s always confused, her sentences don’t make the least bit of sense.

    My mom, brother, and I went to the movies yesterday. While purchasing the tickets, she pulls out a wad of cash-doesn’t count it- and hands it to the guy behind the counter. there must have been atleast $25 in that wad.

    She asks the guy how much she gave him. (clearly lying) the guy says, “$17”

    My mom begins to panic and says, “What?! I owe you $17 more dollars?!”

    I interject and try to help the situation by telling my mother that she gave him $17. she’s like “OHHH… so how much do i owe you?”

    he says she owed $5 and some change, she gives him what appeared to be about 8 one dollar bills (of course she doesn’t count it) and says “that should be enough,” grabs the tickets and walks away like she’s the smartest person in the place.

    OYE.. yes she is truly dumb

  12. oh and did i mention… lacks common sense. i still can’t figure out how she managed to graduate high school…

Comments are closed.