As the light slowly creeps across the buildings I find myself sitting at my desk, somewhat dazed and bemused. Surely it can’t be time to go back to work already, time to haul my body out of bed whilst it’s still dark, time to force cheap instant coffee down my throat in a valiant (if doomed) attempt to waken myself, just in time to go home.
Yet I sit here, looking at my calendar and my task list, pondering where to start, how to start. I’m sure I used to be able to do this, in a time long forgotten before the days of eating, drinking and sleeping (rinse, repeat). I used to be productive, I used to be busy!
You’ve got to be busy of course, you can’t be anything but these days. If you’re not busy you are as good as dead, forgotten, left behind. Gordon McLean? Ohhh I heard he wasn’t busy these days… Yes I know, awful isn’t it…
So much to do, so little inclination to start it, instead I find myself hoping to hold onto these last few moments of normality. The last remnants of a time just passed. Maybe it’s fear of the future, that gaping chronological chasm waiting to be bridged, that keeps me looking back, holding on to the quiet days. Maybe it’s my inherent laziness, my desire to spend my days doing nothing but follow my whim, or maybe it’s fear of being found wanting, not able, a failure.
New Year is supposed to be a time of hope, of resolve, of promises and excitement. Yet I find myself hoping for easier things, resolving less, promising nothing and praying for a quiet life.
Of course life will deal me the hand it decides and nothing I do will influence that, so I’ll mind myself, take care of those that I care for, and keep myself busy. You’ve got to be busy, if you’re not you can pause to look ahead and you’re never really sure what it is you are seeing in the distance. Must keep busy.
Gosh, that’s all a bit melodramatic and melancholy, isn’t it? Yet it just came tumbling out like that. Most odd. Maybe it’s just lack of sleep or the shock at being up this early. Not sure. Maybe I’d better make a start on this coffee.