Malaise or chaos

I’ve been working back through this sites archives and have to admit that I don’t know why I bother listing the first year or so of blogging. Sure there are some longer bits that aren’t too bad (for the standards I was setting back then at least), but mostly I lapse into minimalist statements of my mood. For example, here’s what I was saying four years ago today:

Miserable, depressed, confused and thoroughly hacked off with life. OK, not quite yet but it is heading that way. Relaxing weekend went wrong on Saturday night and have spent whole of Sunday trying to relax and forget it, but can’t.

Not a particularly enjoyable or interesting read, and to think I used to wonder why no-one visited.

It does strike me that, for the large part, the bulk of my posts are almost entirely governed by my mood. Granted that “mood” (that is completely the wrong term for it but bear with me) has been fairly extreme in the past – it’s the reason this website exists after all – these days it’s as settled as most with only occasional dip towards that looming chasm (can I stop with the awful metaphors yet?).

This week is a prime example. I’m in the midst of 5 different projects at work, have re-designed a website for someone (it’s coming, it’s coming!), I’m busy adding content to a Wiki, and have finally started archiving some “acquired” TV shows onto DVD. I’ve been generating lists like a mad thing in an effort not to lose any of my current impetus, for it shall end at some point, and then there is the small matter of being mentioned in a national newspaper and all the excitement that has generated (although at present I’m decidely non-plussed. Sunday morning however, well that’ll be an early start methinks).

In the midst of all this the “rogue comments” issue cropped up and I met it full on, charging into the fray and dealing with it swiftly – thanks for all your comments on that, much appreciated. However, if my mood had been on the downward spiral I’m certain that apathy would’ve kicked in by Tuesday and I’d have done nothing about it.

Now, I know this is not a unique trait, but ohhh how I long for a stable period, a happy medium, balance.

But that doesn’t work for me, I thrive on chaos and change. I fight it, try and subvert it with planning and lists but eventually it all catches up on me and I end up sitting here at 1.30am blogging about how I’m just too busy to blog.

What an odd little habit this is, this blogging thing. No matter how many times I say it, or hear it said, I still feel a pang of guilt if I don’t post on a weekday. It’s gotten to the point that, at times, I wonder if it is influencing more of my life than it should. Then I stop and realise that maybe that isn’t such a bad thing and, as a very wise woman once said to me, you are what you are, stop trying to fight it.