I wonder. I imagine. I replay scenario’s and moments, trying to re-engineer past events. How many things would YOU do differently?
Am I the joker in the pack? The philosopher? The quiet self-assured one? Or do I strive to be all three and more? What are people’s perceptions of me and why do they matter?
I don’t know what people think. I won’t try and predict, for my own thoughts and emotions will sway the issue to something different. A martyr? Hardly, though it may be something I unconsicously strive for, always missing the correct step, realising too late that the path is leading the wrong way.
Maybe it is my own selfishness, or my innate inability to judge a persona, to gauge a personality, or capture a character, that portrays me in my own light, fumbling, confident but unassured, funny but never centre-stage. Acceptance of the perception is at the bottom of my list. Perception is a highly personal concept, each aura, karma, and vibe pushing out signals. The signals being met by differing detection and understanding.
These moments always follow the calm. There is no storm, only turmoil. A small mountain, out of a huge molehill.
My perception twists and turns, stretching the truth into misbelief, nurturing thoughts and dreams, occasionally passing these to a purpose. There comes the driven one. His mind focussed. His eyes set. Determined. Confident. Then twisting influences pulling at me, altering the horizon, pulling it further and higher.
Again I find the path I’ve chosen blocked, not by obstacle, but by direction, turning back on itself again, and again, and again. Returning me to the beginning.
And so I start to wonder. To imagine. Replaying scenario’s and moments, trying to re-engineer past events. I would do everything differently.