It’s there, sitting underneath the surface, never too far out of reach. A friend’s situation brings it back, but it is less painful this time, and I know it will continue to fade, to become a dusty memory. Each iteration dulling the anguish, drizzling out the flame.

I don’t cling to it, it is not a beacon, guiding my way or a siren calling me home. It does not weigh down on my shoulders or hang heavy round my neck. But it is real, it is there and I will not deny it that. I know I could store it away somewhere easily found, where the light reaches and highlights the sharp reality of it, but I won’t, it would serve no purpose.

Better to let it gather dust, to fade further and further from the reality, only to be used as a pivot, a defining moment, a point in time, the details of which need not be dwelt on. It was a good thing.

I thought it over again, tried to find the reasons, the answers, analysing my reaction and decisions. It all seems so pointless and needless now, and equally frustrating. I was told not to look for reasons, and answers, that acceptance and understanding of the moment would serve me better. It is not always that easy, but that adds to the value.

It reminds me of who I am. It reminds me of the positives. It reminds me of my worth, and my love. It reminds me everyday, and I’m slowly using it, changing negatives to positives, realising how lucky I am. It will remind me of how I got here, and remind me why I am here.

Addendum: I started writing this before Christmas, I keep returning to it, adding, deleting, considering. Each time I decide to stop, or decide to write what I write and leave it at that. So here it is, no apologies nor further explanation, I know what is stated, and it is for my self that I write it.

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