Coming Out

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com. Time to fess up. For the longest time I didn’t really give the concept of ‘coming out’ all that much thought as I didn’t think I had anything to come out about. I considered myself straight, monogamous (and I’ll throw in white, male, middle-class as well). I was the ‘norm’, my world view was very narrow. A close friend came out to me during this time and I remember thinking, so what? He’s my mate, as long as he’s happy, what’s all the fuss about? Of course my reaction …

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Our Poly Setup

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com. Kirsty and I had talked for a while about what a poly relationship may look like for us; we knew we didn’t have a definite idea in mind but we talked through a lot of ‘what ifs’ to see if there was anything we did or didn’t want, or anything that just didn’t fit with our idea of what a poly relationship constitutes. It’s hard to foresee the future of course, but we had a general idea of what we hoped we would get from embracing polyamory. We’d tried …

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What being Poly has taught me

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com. Looking back over the past few years, I forget just how much I’ve learned about myself in that time. Leaving a long-term relationship determined to be better, finding a partner who wanted the same and who was patient and understanding, knowing we were both on a similar journey has been a revelation. So a lot of what I’ve learned since we decided to embrace polyamory is an extension, or at the very least a focusing, of things I’ve already been aware of, and working on. For example: Balance is …

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Polyamory: Decisions and balance

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com. There is a word I use a lot when describing how I try and approach life in general and when it comes to polyamory and my relationships it’s definitely something I focus on. Balance With multiple relationships at play, when it comes to making decisions things need to try and be fair and reasonable to everyone concerned. That’s not to say that every decision is always what everyone wants, but hopefully we are all having our needs met as best can be expected. In short, you can’t make …

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I’m dreaming of…

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com. A Poly Christmas (ho ho ho!) The festive season is upon us once more! Yuletide approaches, mince pies are being warmed, trees decorated and everywhere across the land talk turns to Christmas Day and the bounties that await on the dinner table. Families rejoice and gleefully wear lurid jumpers, novelty socks and all quietly enjoy the Queen’s speech. Or so the TV adverts would have you believe. Ohhh yes, and we all drink Coke. Putting my cynicism aside, it is true that for many, whether you celebrate it or …

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Remember yourself

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com Let me start with a simple premise: Relationships are a compromise, and those compromises are made to find balance to make sure everyone is as happy as they can be. Compromises are made on all sides and over time they even out. Of course, in poly relationships there is more than one person to consider when it comes to compromise and that can mean there is a risk that you, with the best intentions, start over-compromising in favour of your partners. Whilst this may be driven by the …

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FOMO

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them.  Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com What is happening with them? Are they having fun? Why am I home alone? What’s the point of having more than one partner if I’m still alone? Are they having a better time than we do? Is he more fun? Is she more entertaining? A lot of the thoughts and emotions I have around polyamory are still being filed under ‘new stuff’. I do spend a fair amount of my free time wondering: What are this? However, this area seems to have caught me out a little bit. …

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Over Communicating

Written in response to the monthly theme on Poly Means Many: Communication Many articles around open/poly relationships discuss communication and rightly so as it’s the key foundation for all good relationships, regardless of type. However, it’s not something I’ve always been the best at; add my own shortcomings to a poly relationship, and those flaws get amplified. Obviously there are differences between the communication between two people and the communication required between four as we all have different personalities and naturally differing ways of communicating. My own style of listening, the phrases I use, the presumptions I have in my head, all suit me, but for others in the relationship they won’t be quite right. I’m aware of this, as are …

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Still learning

I first made aware of the idea of non-monogamy by some friends, it was on the periphery of my life and I didn’t pay it much heed. I was aware of the general principle but for the most part I fell into the usual traps when thinking about ‘open relationships’ (basically, all the sex, right?). Fast forward several years and I find myself slap bang in the middle of a wonderful set of relationships (where my girlfriends are girlfriends, and my girlfriend’s boyfriend and I get on well). So I’m an expert now, right? Of course I’m not! The (unwritten) tag line to my life is that I’m always learning and with every passing day I’m happy to say that …

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Balance

I’ve use this word a lot and over the years finding emotional balance has become increasingly important to me as I start to understand how I work and function best. In the past I’ve been very guilty of taking on too much, either explicitly or without realising, and leaving myself open to the big dark clouds that occasionally loom when I start to failing to deliver on my promises or living up to (perceived) expectations. Thankfully I’ve gotten past a lot of that and, whilst I will always want to try and make things better for people, to fix things that are broken, and generally try and make sure that the people I care about are happy, I know it’s …

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