Tag: OK

Weekender

Tomorrow, tomorrow, … yeuch I hate that damn kid!

ANYWAY – I’m on holiday tomorrow, and Friday. Heading up to Inverness to try and see some dolphins.

Friday I’m hoping to get some time to finish of the redesign (i.e. the WHOLE of Friday if past efforts are anything to go by…).

Saturday/Sunday in Edinburgh… wander round IKEA pretending we’re going to buy lots of expensive things, maybe head into Edinburgh city centre and try and catch a few festival ‘things’. Then… damn better phone Sal…

OK Sal, 3:04 and you weren’t in. Dropped you an email, will phone again later.

Good causes

The International Aids Conference kicks off today, and I’m forced to count my blessings. I hate being forced to do anything, but I can always make some exceptions.

Now is it only me, or are there too many good causes to support? If (sorry, when) I win the lottery I will give virtually all the money to charity. OK so I know, and you know that I won’t, but I would like to, and surely it’s the thought that counts… right? Hmmm I feel a SomeTHiNG coming on… which also reminds me to re-visit my short pieces and see if I’ve advanced the ideas yet.

Coffee time. Later.

Happy joy

Happy happy joy joy… working at home but not actually minding it as much as I thought I would.

M:I2 last night, was OK. It has taken me until now to figure out what irked me about it. It felt constrained, like it was holding back. A time-bomb that never went off.

Think the weekend will be good.

Test post

OK think I’ve got it sussed now, should make things a lot easier to update this page.

Different

“No, not that one…hmmm that one’s OK…”

It has to be different, I have to be different – but do I want to change me? Or others perception of me?

Well that’s the easiest question I’ve asked so far! Dreaming of a genie, 3 wishes, teeth that don’t need brushed, weight that stays off, hair that stays on…

So why the obsession with different? Is it because I always tried so hard to fit in, without realising I never would? I remember simple pleasures, walking alone. I remember the pressures of walking home from school with others. Enjoying attention, never seeking it, always desiring it. Unsure of my confidence, unwilling to make a fool of myself (THAT’S why I don’t usually dress-up in fancy dress).

So I want to fit in, but stand out. To be the centre of attention, but immediately shun the spotlight. Centre of attention in private is one thing, amongst friends and family, confidence high, joking, laughing, content that I know the limits, know when to shut up. Plucked from a crowd to stand on a stage, people looking, laughing, too reminiscent of walking home from school. I need the control of familiarity.

Is it a concern over my ‘image’? Never fitted in because I didn’t have the right trainers? The cool shirt? I don’t care now – or at least state that I don’t, deep down I know I do – but it still bubbles under the surface. I desire the newest, greatest, bestest (I know, I know…) things. Coolest ‘stuff’ – hmmm deja vu?

So basically I need to accept this, and I have, kinda… It makes me who I am. If I wasn’t like this I would be someone else – but who? Whoa…that’s a different something.

Annoying

It’s annoying sometimes, isn’t it – the way you want to do so much, but seem incapable of doing any of it. I annoy myself constantly, and catch myself frequently promising things I can’t deliver. Regular updates to this site for one! (but hey, I never promised that…did I?)

It relates back to plans and promises, and seems an endless circle. Each time I promise anything I get two, sometimes three, steps into it, and stop. I’ll spend less time on the PC – two weeks later I’m back to the usual 1 a.m. stints. I’ll go the gym…tomorrow…I’ll get better organised..well actually that ones not going too badly.

The main thing I have to learn, I think, is to realise who am I, what I am like, and stop trying to adjust. Compromise is one thing, and there is a fineline between the two. At the moment, the way I’m thinking, a compromise isn’t too bad, but I’m beginning to despise trying to adjust.

I kicked off the new year in fine style – ready to go, bubbling over with enthusiasm. Now I’m back round again, back to that familiar place. Exercise would help, it helps clear the mind, but I haven’t gone to T’ai Chi, nor found basketball. The gym at my work mocks me as I walk past it, everyday.

I know by this time next week I will be getting annoyed at myself again, and once it has built up enough, I will do SomeTHiNG about it. Why do I have to wait? That is the one thing, the question I return to. Why do I wait?

I know I’m lazy, but then, it depends on the task at hand. I was once told (OK, often told) that “We all have to do things we don’t like doing” and the REALLY annoying thing is that I agree. I know that, yet I can’t seem to force myself to do it. At the weekend I get bursts of restlessness, and leap up and do a few things on the ‘list’, but I never get them all done.

Are time-management and prioritising my biggest weaknesses? I don’t think so, professionally I find it easy, and rarely run into problems (well not ones that occur because I haven’t planned). Maybe I need to make my personal time more professional? Hmmm might just be the answer…in which case, I have dinner scheduled, so please excuse me, I must go.

Bang II

Another shooting in the U.S.

The outrage, the shock, the pain.

Swiftly followed by the insight, the analysis, the reason.

Apathy? Is that what it is? Or an inherent numbness to the horrors?

The same arguments against will be countered with the same arguments for, and in a week or so it will all be forgotten. What will it take? OK, radical idea – why don’t the anti-gun lobbies get together and go around the U.S. and shoot one member of each family in the country. Is that what it would take? I fully admit to suffering from the same “it’ll never happen to me” syndrome, but life here in the U.K. hasn’t yet reached the ‘advanced’ stage that the U.S. has. We can’t walk in to a gun shop, brandishing any form of identification, and purchase the ability to kill someone. And surely, the shop owners can spot the ‘mad-gunman’ types…they are the ones with the twitch and generally ask about ‘big’ guns (I presume)

“Hi, can I help you?”
“I want a b-b-big gun”
“And what will sir be shooting?”
“eh….p-p-people”
“Ha ha ha, very funny sir…anyway, may I suggest
the…….”

OK, I know it’s not that simple (is it?), but that’s the impression we get here in the U.K. Want a gun? Go buy one! Add it to your basket at the supermarket, or ‘purchase the new range of road-rage rifles at any of our participating garages’.

It’s so easy to make fun, be satirical, and generally ignore the problem. Yet the solution is so blindingly obvious it’s a wonder that the U.S. government hasn’t stumbled on it yet – so between you and me…here it is.

Ban all guns.

Wow! I can feel the ripples of excitement pulsing their way across the Atlantic. Then slamming hard against the usual arguments.

Trouble is there is no argument, which do you value more? The right to have a gun, or your life. Which does the U.S. goverment value more? The money behind the gun lobby, or your life. Next time you see your local senator, mayor, or whoever, ask them that. Don’t listen to the argument, repeat until you get an answer. There is only one they can give, one they believe, only one they can say to your face. So how many ‘good’ men are voted in every year? How many ‘good’ men will stand up and say “Hey, guns kill people, and we can’t control them properly, let’s do something about it!”

If it wasn’t such a tragic topic it would be farcical. Problem is I don’t hear anyone laughing – do you?

Bang

The world is shrinking, so my next comments aren’t as misplaced as they seem, is that an excuse?

Yet another shooting in America. Yet more calls for tighter controls, or complete bans. More arguments about free speech, and the right to bear arms (bare arms?).

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people

How stupidly small-minded, frighteningly short-sighted can people be? Is it just me? OK I know it’s not, but don’t these people realise what they are saying? Of course, strictly speaking they are correct, I could have a gun and never use it to kill people – but the counter-argument is so obvious.

It is our right as American citizens

I will admit to a not complete understanding of American political and legal systems, and yes I agree, free speech and an individuals rights should be protected. Shooting people is not an individual activity though is it? It requires the, unwilling, participation of other people, where’s their choice, their rights?

The view that drifts across the Atlantic is that the American government is bowing to the pressure of the gun lobby. So who, exactly, is running the country? And what is the real aim? In today’s political culture I thought it was all about votes? Which has the larger share of votes – the recreational gun users? or the scared public? Or is money the real issue?

Surely the aim has to be to remove guns from society all together. A change in society is much needed, a move away from fear, away from violence. I long to visit America, but is it really that safe? Is sensationalist journalism spoiling my view?

The right to express yourself has been taken too far, and is used as an excuse for many different groups and activists in America. Something needs to be done. Free speech should remain just that.

Attraction

“You’ll like her, she has amazing eyes”

Attraction is not a static, well, not entirely, and it comes in various states:

  • attraction to beauty
  • attraction to personality
  • attraction to lust
  • attraction to like
  • attraction to opposite
  • and many more.

Most people single out a few characteristics, for me it’s eyes. There is something bewitching about some people’s eyes, a certain quality that I find difficult to qualify or explain. Of course, there is more to it than that, attraction comes as a package and that package is never definite.

Physical attraction, or idolisation, is based wholly on physical attributes. I have never met Helena Christiansen, but she is the most stunning woman I have ever seen. Similarly, Lisa Nicole Carson fascinates me, yet I know very little about her as a person (but man, she can act sexy!). Physical attraction is driven by base instinct, lust, want. There are many aspects to this, and, as with any attraction, personal preferences differ wildly. I can never specify whether I’m a leg-man, breast-man, etc etc, as I’m never that specific. It’s not that I’m not fussy or demanding, it’s just that I tend to take in the whole picture, style, shape, attitude, and manner, from that I create a picture of the person, and the cortex activity thing kicks in, either to say ‘Hmmmm, she’s nice’ or to make me forget about her the instant I look away.

Of course, physical attraction is on a par (well slightly lower) with flirting, it’s OK to look – and I mean glance, not stare or ogle.
In everyday life, attraction has to be more.

Everyday attraction, is more than a glance at an attractive man or woman, it is based on the person as a whole. Their personality as well as their looks. I am constantly amazed at how often a personality will mask physical attributes, and I suppose that is true attraction. Now, this is not to say that everyday attraction isn’t physically based, more that it builds on the foundations of personal attraction.

Why do you like the people you do? Why do you find person X more attractive than person Y? Only you can answer that, and that’s what makes attraction so unique, and let’s face it…well you know the cliche.

Need

Why do you need a website?

OK, how do you answer that?

“Well everyone else has one…”

Oh, and if everyone jumped off the Erskine Bridge, you’d follow them?

“Because it’s cool…” (which it isn’t, so don’t ever use this answer)

You think so? it just means you can’t get a real life

And so it goes (which is a wonderful Billy Joel song) basically your only available answer is to say – “You just don’t understand it…”

But it does get you thinking, why do I need to do this? The answer to that is simple – I don’t need to. I could stop tomorrow, no really I could…
So the question is almost back to the original – Why do I have a website?

Well it started as an area where I would dump stuff, where I experimented with bits and bobs for other websites, then it started to grow. The main problem is updating. I tend to do things in mad rushes, nothing for weeks, then a whole slew of stuff in a couple of days…

It is an outlet, as with everyone, I have ideas, thoughts, emotions running amok. Some I commit to this site, others I let wander around in my head for a while, most disappear into some dusty corner or other, only to re-appear at odd intervals.

So what you get here is just what’s in my head, nothing amazingly profound, well not usually, and nothing to extreme, in fact I’m ecstatic that you’ve read this far – thank you very much.

Anyway, I only need one thing in my life, and she knows who she is.