Four

“The hurt of lost,
the longing of one,
the distance from those,
the untouchable.”

Four lines.

Many meanings.

As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I wrote those four lines a long time ago, I think I was about 17 or 18, vaguely around one of the times I split up with Louise (which as certain people know, happened now and again). Since then it keeps appearing in my head, for no reason that I can fathom, and each time it seems to take on a different meaning.

“The hurt of lost” – doesn’t apply anymore, but when did it? Is the loss perceived or a reality?

“the longing of one” – I long for many things, or is dream a better term? Many things I can’t achieve, many things I have.

“the distance from those” – distance, when used properly, keeps perspective, but from who?

“the untouchable” – inferiority complex? Lack of self-confidence, feelings of exclusion?

No matter how hard I try, I can’t pin this down, but maybe that’s why it still intrigues me after so long. Do I really need an explanation? Like many things, it may be better not to know, but surely, as my brain keeps recalling it, it must have some significance.

Maybe I think too much, it has been mentioned. I’m convinced it has a relevance, it must shelter something, or is it just too vague to really mean anything? Maybe that’s the appeal.

If you have any ideas, please let me know.

Silly

Silly adj : lacking seriousness; given to frivolity; “a dizzy blonde”; “light-headed teenagers”; “silly giggles” [syn: airheaded, dizzy, empty-headed, featherbrained, giddy, light-headed]

Love can be defined as silliness. I don’t mean silliness as in daftness (although the border between the two is very blurred), I mean silliness as in the daft (see!) little things we do to amuse the other. Silly voices, silly faces, silly words, just plain silly.

Personally I think silliness is massively under-rated. People frown on silly behaviour, and it is generally thought to have a certain time or place. This is true to an extent, but not, in my opinion, the places most people think.

I know my attempts at silliness is a ‘defense mechanism’ – using humour when I’m really nervous or anxious about something – but is that such a bad thing? I’m perfectly aware that a silly quip relaxes most people in a tense situation, so if used correctly can be a valuable asset. I have been told that I joke too much (guilty, m’laud), and that some people don’t appreciate my rapier wit…oh ok, sarcasm… and I know I should be more considerate, but hey, that’s their problem. I’m trying to deal with mine.

So what is my point here? Well there isn’t really one to make, or maybe there is, maybe a new doctrine – SILLINESS FOR ALL! STOP ALL SERIOUSNESS! (need to get something that rolls of the tongue a bit more easily though).

Or maybe not…

P.S. Steph – sorry for the ‘dizzy blonde’ reference, but that’s what the dictionary said – honest!

Bang II

Another shooting in the U.S.

The outrage, the shock, the pain.

Swiftly followed by the insight, the analysis, the reason.

Apathy? Is that what it is? Or an inherent numbness to the horrors?

The same arguments against will be countered with the same arguments for, and in a week or so it will all be forgotten. What will it take? OK, radical idea – why don’t the anti-gun lobbies get together and go around the U.S. and shoot one member of each family in the country. Is that what it would take? I fully admit to suffering from the same “it’ll never happen to me” syndrome, but life here in the U.K. hasn’t yet reached the ‘advanced’ stage that the U.S. has. We can’t walk in to a gun shop, brandishing any form of identification, and purchase the ability to kill someone. And surely, the shop owners can spot the ‘mad-gunman’ types…they are the ones with the twitch and generally ask about ‘big’ guns (I presume)

“Hi, can I help you?”
“I want a b-b-big gun”
“And what will sir be shooting?”
“eh….p-p-people”
“Ha ha ha, very funny sir…anyway, may I suggest
the…….”

OK, I know it’s not that simple (is it?), but that’s the impression we get here in the U.K. Want a gun? Go buy one! Add it to your basket at the supermarket, or ‘purchase the new range of road-rage rifles at any of our participating garages’.

It’s so easy to make fun, be satirical, and generally ignore the problem. Yet the solution is so blindingly obvious it’s a wonder that the U.S. government hasn’t stumbled on it yet – so between you and me…here it is.

Ban all guns.

Wow! I can feel the ripples of excitement pulsing their way across the Atlantic. Then slamming hard against the usual arguments.

Trouble is there is no argument, which do you value more? The right to have a gun, or your life. Which does the U.S. goverment value more? The money behind the gun lobby, or your life. Next time you see your local senator, mayor, or whoever, ask them that. Don’t listen to the argument, repeat until you get an answer. There is only one they can give, one they believe, only one they can say to your face. So how many ‘good’ men are voted in every year? How many ‘good’ men will stand up and say “Hey, guns kill people, and we can’t control them properly, let’s do something about it!”

If it wasn’t such a tragic topic it would be farcical. Problem is I don’t hear anyone laughing – do you?

Change

Many things in life are prone to change, many for better, some for worse, but all for a reason. Change has been a big feature in my life for the last 4 or 5 years. Louise and I have moved to our 7th flat together (in about 5 years), with one more move planned after that. I’ve changed jobs 4 times in 3 years (although two were redundancies), and my whole outlook on life has changed dramatically (if you really need to know).

I now crave stability, or at least I think I do. What if it has been the constant flux of life that has kept me going, kept my mind active, my soul alive? I long to settle down, get a house (a back garden!) and start creating a home. I long to get my career started properly, instead of just gaining experience. Most of all I long to create a constant space. A place which isn’t and will not be affected by change.

But – what if?

You cannot, and I refuse to, let ‘what ifs’ rule your life, but they are always there, and it does frighten me. I know I want to travel more, so what if settling down will make me feel trapped? We will start a family within the next year or two, but what if the arrival of another person, another responsibility, makes the binding of home, the lessening of change, even stronger? What if….?

But change is good. I know it is. Changes in me.

Not even a year ago, the ‘what ifs’ would have won. The worry of uncertainty (the certainty of chance), would have prevailed, and manifested itself into hate and depression. But not now. The very thing I once worried over, dwelt on, that dragged me down, is no longer the enemy, it is the saviour, the redemption.

We have no control over the future, no matter how hard we might try. Every choice has its repercussions, and whilst everyone must be considered, the ripple effect is unstoppable. We cannot control it, and we should not try. Change makes life interesting, for good or bad. Without change we wouldn’t live, we would only exist, and I can think of no fate worse.

To be robbed of the life that change brings would surely be the cruelest torture. The monotony of routine, slowly choking. Differences, changes are what intrigues us all, the differences in thought, action and deed. All of these are changes, and all of these provide life, provide experience, provide stimulation. They nurture our minds and souls, and create changes within ourselves.

Many things in life are prone to change, many for better, some for worse, but all for a reason.

Bang

The world is shrinking, so my next comments aren’t as misplaced as they seem, is that an excuse?

Yet another shooting in America. Yet more calls for tighter controls, or complete bans. More arguments about free speech, and the right to bear arms (bare arms?).

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people

How stupidly small-minded, frighteningly short-sighted can people be? Is it just me? OK I know it’s not, but don’t these people realise what they are saying? Of course, strictly speaking they are correct, I could have a gun and never use it to kill people – but the counter-argument is so obvious.

It is our right as American citizens

I will admit to a not complete understanding of American political and legal systems, and yes I agree, free speech and an individuals rights should be protected. Shooting people is not an individual activity though is it? It requires the, unwilling, participation of other people, where’s their choice, their rights?

The view that drifts across the Atlantic is that the American government is bowing to the pressure of the gun lobby. So who, exactly, is running the country? And what is the real aim? In today’s political culture I thought it was all about votes? Which has the larger share of votes – the recreational gun users? or the scared public? Or is money the real issue?

Surely the aim has to be to remove guns from society all together. A change in society is much needed, a move away from fear, away from violence. I long to visit America, but is it really that safe? Is sensationalist journalism spoiling my view?

The right to express yourself has been taken too far, and is used as an excuse for many different groups and activists in America. Something needs to be done. Free speech should remain just that.

Attraction

“You’ll like her, she has amazing eyes”

Attraction is not a static, well, not entirely, and it comes in various states:

  • attraction to beauty
  • attraction to personality
  • attraction to lust
  • attraction to like
  • attraction to opposite
  • and many more.

Most people single out a few characteristics, for me it’s eyes. There is something bewitching about some people’s eyes, a certain quality that I find difficult to qualify or explain. Of course, there is more to it than that, attraction comes as a package and that package is never definite.

Physical attraction, or idolisation, is based wholly on physical attributes. I have never met Helena Christiansen, but she is the most stunning woman I have ever seen. Similarly, Lisa Nicole Carson fascinates me, yet I know very little about her as a person (but man, she can act sexy!). Physical attraction is driven by base instinct, lust, want. There are many aspects to this, and, as with any attraction, personal preferences differ wildly. I can never specify whether I’m a leg-man, breast-man, etc etc, as I’m never that specific. It’s not that I’m not fussy or demanding, it’s just that I tend to take in the whole picture, style, shape, attitude, and manner, from that I create a picture of the person, and the cortex activity thing kicks in, either to say ‘Hmmmm, she’s nice’ or to make me forget about her the instant I look away.

Of course, physical attraction is on a par (well slightly lower) with flirting, it’s OK to look – and I mean glance, not stare or ogle.
In everyday life, attraction has to be more.

Everyday attraction, is more than a glance at an attractive man or woman, it is based on the person as a whole. Their personality as well as their looks. I am constantly amazed at how often a personality will mask physical attributes, and I suppose that is true attraction. Now, this is not to say that everyday attraction isn’t physically based, more that it builds on the foundations of personal attraction.

Why do you like the people you do? Why do you find person X more attractive than person Y? Only you can answer that, and that’s what makes attraction so unique, and let’s face it…well you know the cliche.

Need

Why do you need a website?

OK, how do you answer that?

“Well everyone else has one…”

Oh, and if everyone jumped off the Erskine Bridge, you’d follow them?

“Because it’s cool…” (which it isn’t, so don’t ever use this answer)

You think so? it just means you can’t get a real life

And so it goes (which is a wonderful Billy Joel song) basically your only available answer is to say – “You just don’t understand it…”

But it does get you thinking, why do I need to do this? The answer to that is simple – I don’t need to. I could stop tomorrow, no really I could…
So the question is almost back to the original – Why do I have a website?

Well it started as an area where I would dump stuff, where I experimented with bits and bobs for other websites, then it started to grow. The main problem is updating. I tend to do things in mad rushes, nothing for weeks, then a whole slew of stuff in a couple of days…

It is an outlet, as with everyone, I have ideas, thoughts, emotions running amok. Some I commit to this site, others I let wander around in my head for a while, most disappear into some dusty corner or other, only to re-appear at odd intervals.

So what you get here is just what’s in my head, nothing amazingly profound, well not usually, and nothing to extreme, in fact I’m ecstatic that you’ve read this far – thank you very much.

Anyway, I only need one thing in my life, and she knows who she is.

Sunglasses

Research has proven that wearing sunglasses boosts your ego.

No…really, a British study by Dr. Glenn Wilson, a psychologist at the University of London, reports that measurable psychological benefits can be gained from wearing sunglasses.

But is it really so? I think Dr.Wilson is looking to deep into the matter and suffering from ‘can’t-see-the-wood-for-all-these-damn-trees’ syndrome.

Its simple really…when do people wear sunglasses, when its sunny! and how do you feel when you are sitting in the sun – GREAT!! So you are feeling good, and I bet you feel, measurably, better. Is it just me, or is it really that obvious?

The study goes on to reveal that “People wear sunglasses because they feel they look good in them. You feel in control”. It’s funny, I’ve come across various studies on wildly different themes, and they all make reference to control. Why is control such a major part of the modern day psyche? That’s another discussion, I digress.

One interesting (?) point – “People report having additional courage to ogle when their gaze can’t be detected” – now I wouldn’t class it as ogling, but your glance definitely lasts longer when you wearing sunglasses, and there is no harm in looking, unless you get caught!

The main point of the study does stand up, don’t you feel cool when you’ve got your shades on?

BUT! (You knew there would be one…)

BUT! (and it is a very large BUT!) do we really need to spend money on this type of research? Is the ‘name of science’ a credible argument for this sort of work? What are the benefits of this, and how much of taxpayers money did it use? So why do these types of work still manage to get funding? Now I’m all for scientific research, but it has to have some sort of focus in benefiting society, be it now or in the future. The argument of always finding something better to spend taxpayers’ money will always ring true, but never more so than in the face of such a blatant waste of money.

Whilst I am sure this study does reveal some of the intricate psychological values that modern society foists on us, surely there are many more important things to worry about. In fact, I know there are.

Thank you, rant over.