Myself

I write a lot about my feelings, my thoughts… but generally as they pertain to others, or how they react to certain situations. Add to that the fact that it is difficult to take a subjective view of one’s self, and, well, it’s no surprise I don’t focus on my internal emotions more. So, without further ado, here is the canned analysis of me. I tend to suffer a lot from envy, in almost every form. I see success and wealth (which I equate as one and the same) and wish it were me….is that envy? I am also far too materialistic. I have to have the latest gadgets, the newest technologies, the coolest accessories. Add to that the simple …

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Education

Look around Britain at the moment, teenage mothers, childish television (I’m with Melvyn Bragg on that one), millions claiming all sorts of ludicrous benefits, and a distinct lack of education. As far as I can see, there are two sides to this problem. Side 1 (Heads) The government is proposing, once again, a new way to improve our education system. They have offices full of people, sitting behind their desks, drafting the latest scheme. The scheme will drastically improve the standards of our education system, and enable Britain to grow and proper, placing us back into the position we should occupy. “Now, we have consulted the experts, the staticians, and the spin doctors (after all this has to appeal to …

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Third

I’ve known Louise for over 10 years, and we’ve just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. She is my friend, my lover, and my wife. She will be the mother of my children (soon darling…soon), and carer of numerous puppies/kittens and maybe even a parrot(?). We have been through a lot together, and survived it all. We now have a relationship that will support us. We can be friends when we want, lovers when we desire, and if it wasn’t for that funny choking thing she does when she brushes her teeth in the morning, the relationship would be perfect (I don’t have any faults…) To outsiders, we may not seem close. We are not a ‘coupley couple’, we don’t go …

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Depression

It feels odd to discuss it after almost a year. It was a strange period of my life. My overall memory was of a feeling of numbness, that nothing was really happening, that I was stuck in a weird dream. I could hear myself talking, saying horrible, horrible things but it didn’t seem like me. I was detached to the point of self-delusion. It felt like there was a glass wall between me and the rest of the world. Of course, from my point of view I was fine. Yes, I’d made a few major decisions, one which I will regret for the rest of my life, but Louise came back. Trouble was I couldn’t figure out what all the …

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Plans

Planning for the future is an eternal habit, ‘I will lose weight’ ‘I will sort out our finances’ ‘I will exercise more’ ‘I will get myself better organised’. Never works though, does it? I’ve had plenty of ‘fresh starts‘, ample opportunity to take control of my life properly, instead of ambling along with the same old (bad) habits. Never seems to work. Well I’m about to make another fresh start and I’m determined that, this time, it will work. I know I’ve said it before, but I’m determined! No longer will I have to suck in my gut when walking on the beach, I won’t have to search the racks for the ‘next size’ trousers. I will start eating healthily, …

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Detached

Sometimes at night the darkness and silence weighs on me. Peace frightens me. Perhaps I fear it most of all. I feel it’s only a facade, hiding the face of hell. I think of what’s in store for my children tomorrow; “The world will be wonderful”, they say; but from whose viewpoint? We need to live in a state of suspended animation, like a work of art; in a state of enchantment… detached. Detached. Neil Hannon – The Divine Comedy ~ Connection is made, the words strike me. The search for utopian ideals, one that has eluded so many before me, continues. It remains constant, unreachable. A need to retreat, to hide. “The hurt of lost, the longing of one, …

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Silence

“Hello, darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again.” 20 July 1969 : Apollo 11 : Tranquility Base – “A small step for man…“ A defining moment in many lives (not least messrs, Armstrong, Aldrin, and Collins), man had made it to the moon. Each astronaut on the mission new the risks, as did those of the backup crew (Jim Lovell, Fred Haise, and Bill Anders – the former two to experience their own problems aboard Apollo 13). There were of course contingency plans in place, all situations were covered, including the possibility of the leaving two men to die on the moon. In silence. In a 30 year old document, it has been revealed that NASA …

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Courage

Human courage in extreme situations continually astounds. I recently heard about a Vietnam documentary which looked at the story of several American soldiers who were captured by the VietCong. They were locked in separate cells, and no communication was allowed. At one point in the documentary one of the soldiers, sitting calmly in a chair, vividly describes how one day he gave up, and tried to kill himself. With nothing in the room to use, no clothes on his body, he stood and smashed his forehead against the wall until he passed out. He didn’t die. Many people say suicide is the cowards way out, but in this circumstance it was, without doubt, an act of incredible bravery. An act …

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Four

“The hurt of lost, the longing of one, the distance from those, the untouchable.” Four lines. Many meanings. As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I wrote those four lines a long time ago, I think I was about 17 or 18, vaguely around one of the times I split up with Louise (which as certain people know, happened now and again). Since then it keeps appearing in my head, for no reason that I can fathom, and each time it seems to take on a different meaning. “The hurt of lost” – doesn’t apply anymore, but when did it? Is the loss perceived or a reality? “the longing of one” – I long for many things, or is dream a better term? …

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Silly

Silly adj : lacking seriousness; given to frivolity; “a dizzy blonde”; “light-headed teenagers”; “silly giggles” [syn: airheaded, dizzy, empty-headed, featherbrained, giddy, light-headed] Love can be defined as silliness. I don’t mean silliness as in daftness (although the border between the two is very blurred), I mean silliness as in the daft (see!) little things we do to amuse the other. Silly voices, silly faces, silly words, just plain silly. Personally I think silliness is massively under-rated. People frown on silly behaviour, and it is generally thought to have a certain time or place. This is true to an extent, but not, in my opinion, the places most people think. I know my attempts at silliness is a ‘defense mechanism’ – …

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