bookmark_borderPolywobbles

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

It was an odd time for the best of reasons.
 
I was happy with my life, embracing changes to my lifestyle and enjoying the exploration of new ideals, new friendships, a whole new scene. Kirsty and I had been together for a over a year and, having both come out of long term relationships we had started, tentatively, talking about polyamory, open relationships and the variations that are available. It helped that we know some people who are poly and had a basic understanding of how things could work.
 
We did some research and we talked a lot about what it might mean for us both, what direction it might take our relationship and more. It’s important to emphasis just how much we talked, it wasn’t always easy, but we tried to talk through the ‘what ifs’ as best we could. A short while after that, Kirsty started seeing a guy we both knew. 
 
I can still remember the first night when I knew they were together. It was not fun. At all.
 
I was ok for the first couple of hours, I distracted myself by doing some tidying up, pottering around my flat aimlessly. Normally Kirsty and I txt each other every couple of hours if we aren’t together so not hearing from her also added to my anxiety. How were things going? Were they sitting chatting? Were they listening to music? Were they kissing? Were they in the bedroom?
 
I remember going to bed, trying to sleep but struggling to think of anything else other than them, together. It was horrible. I couldn’t process it much beyond repeating that this was ‘allowed’, this was ok, and that it was just because it was the first time. 
 
Society beats us over the head with the world view of monogamy, of finding the ‘one’, of exclusive partnerships. I knew that I didn’t hold with that view, I knew that Kirsty and I had discussed it and both of us agreed that we were choosing polyamory for the right reasons, we both believe that one person can’t be everything to another. People may try but there will always be a part of them that falters at something, they may then try and fake it but ultimately there will be things that just don’t quite work. Why not admit that and accept it as a reality?
 
In my past I’ve pushed aside the things I was failing at, accepting them as compromises, as things that ‘just were’. During our chats about being poly, Kirsty and I both realised we’d done the same thing, put part of ourselves aside for the good of our relationships, or so we thought. Chatting through the possibilities of polyamory made us both realise that it could work for us and that we owed it to ourselves to try.
 
As I lay in bed I comforted myself with those thoughts, with the fact that this was part of the journey and that it’d change over time, we’d talk about things and figure out how to make them work and, if they weren’t working, we’d talk about changing them, one way or another.
 
But that first night, alone in the dark with only my thoughts and fears for company, wasn’t fun. Comparisons popped into my head, is she having more fun with him than she does with me? Is she more relaxed? Is he better for her than I am? What if they have sex? Will he be better at that than me?
 
The next day we talked. And we talked a lot more in the coming weeks as Kirsty explored her new relationship, we discovered limits, communications issues and it became easier for me each time she was with him. 
 
A couple of years later and Kirsty and I both have partners and the wobbles come back from time to time, thankfully not as strongly as they have in the past. These days I know they are temporary and likely caused by my own insecurities or fears, just as I know that talking them through with my partners will help all of us be stronger. 
 
Part of me wonders if the polywobbles ever stop, and then I realised; if they did that’s when we should be worrying because it signals a time when we no longer care as much as we should for the people we love. So bring on the polywobbles I say, they remind us we are alive.

bookmark_borderRelationships with metamours

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

This month, the Poly Means Many crew are pondering metamours; I can still remember my thoughts when I first read that word… “what does that mean?”, I had a rough idea but wasn’t sure so let’s start with a definition. A metamour is the partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship (1). That means, for me, I have one metamour, Kirsty’s other partner Mark.

I’ll admit I wasn’t sure how this part of being poly would work out. It’s one thing being in a position to explore other relationships that I want, quite another to have to assess a potential relationship with someone you didn’t directly choose to be part of your life. Kirsty and I didn’t set out any expectations of being able to ‘veto’ a potential partner, mostly because we trusted each other to be honest but, perhaps, it was also with a view that any relationship with a metamour only had to be … tolerant? civil? I’m not quite sure what the right phrase is…

For me, I realised early on that part of being polyamorous is being open to new experiences and realising that one person might not be able to meet all of your needs all of the time. We all grow and learn and our needs and expectations, desires and wants, change accordingly. With that in mind, it’s been interesting to see the differences between Mark and I, how they relate to Kirsty, how they translate in my relationship with my other partner Clare, and how that influences the relationship between Kirsty and Clare.

I like Mark, he’s very laid back, level headed and obviously cares deeply for Kirsty. The three of us have chatted through some difficult times recently and he’s usually the voice of calm reason. In comparison my emotions bubble quickly, raw on the surface and I tend to be much more pushed to quick action. Both approaches have their advantages, and disadvantages, and gives Kirsty two distinct voices to consider (which can be an issue in and of itself of course!).

But seeing the relationship between Kirsty and Mark grow has been both fascinating and enlightening. I definitely think it’s made my relationship with Kirsty stronger, prompted me to consider myself in a new light and that, for me, is a huge bonus of the metamour relationship and not one I’d even thought about. Having additional people in your life who bring different views, experiences and expectations has made things richer for all of us.

Other than a few emails here and there, Mark and I don’t hang out together on our own so our interactions are limited to times when Kirsty is around but, like the rest of our poly relationships, we’ve found something that seems to work; this way also means that I don’t feel like I’m overstepping boundaries, I’m aware that Kirsty and I have been together for several years now and don’t want the ‘weight’ of our relationship to have any bearing on the relationship she has with Mark.

As a group, the four of us hang out now and then and that definitely helps, as do the simple things of shared calendars and regular communication. Mark and I will occasionally check in with each other, and he and Clare get on well. We have some interests in common which also helps, and overall we seem to have found a system that works for everyone.

I had some apprehensions about this part of being in poly relationships but I know that any concerns will be discussed and solutions found. I know some people who have very close relationships with their metamours, and others who barely know them, and I guess that’s the point. Acknowledging that the metamour relationship is important, as is defining how it works, beyond that anything else is a bonus.


Want to read more? The Poly Means Many project has touched on this area before.

bookmark_borderMisconceptions

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

Poly Bingo

Poly Bingo – credit to BiteyTheSwitch.

One of the reasons I got involved with the Poly Means Many project was because it had helped me and my partners, and my partners partner, as we got started in our poly relationships. On my part I had a reasonable idea of how things would work but I’ll own up and admit that I had some misconceptions of my own.

When this topic came up for discussion I started to revisit those to see just how much I’d learned. It’ll be no surprise to hear that I’ve learnt a lot. There are some misconceptions that I had, but the first thing I learned was that there isn’t a ‘right’ way to do poly, you find what works for the people in the relationship and work at it as all the relationships change.

Actually, when this topic came up for discussion Kirsty suggested it would be a good way to set up a poly bingo card and so I started to collate some ideas only find out it’s been done already.

The bingo card isn’t a bad starting place though as it does cover a lot of the misconceptions that I’ve experienced; Are you afraid of commitment? You must have loads of sex! Ohh so you are swingers?

It is probably fair to say that a lot of the misconceptions I’ve heard and experienced are centred around sexual activities, or at least what people think might happen in an ‘alternative’ relationship system. The thing is I don’t mind people being ill-informed if they are open-minded enough to learn, so a lot of the comments I hear I’m happy to take a little bit of time to try and help whoever made them be a little better educated. That can drag me into longer and deeper conversations but as our relationships are built on honesty and trust, and no small amount of communication, I tend to focus on that to explain how our poly setup works.

Unfortunately not everyone is open minded.

Kirsty was on the receiving end of some nasty comments when someone found out she was in an open relationship. He called her a slut among other things. Still make me angry, even typing that. How dare he! I can only presume that statement is built on many misconceptions and assumptions. Horrid.

Thankfully aside from that, the four of us haven’t had too many negative reactions, certainly nothing as strong and ill-informed as that. Most of the questions are fairly standard and certainly seem to be driven by the curiosity of something new.

Let’s play Poly Misconception Bingo!

Are you Mormon?
No, and you are thinking of polygamy (plural marriage).

Are you afraid of commitment?
Quite the opposite, I am very committed to my relationships and worked hard at both of them.

How do you have time for all that?
It’s not always easy but try and keep a balance that suits everyone, we probably schedule things a little more than those in monogamous relationships.

Where do you all sleep?
We don’t live together, so … in our own beds? Why do you think we all live together?

Don’t worry. You’ll find the one someday.
I did. Then I ‘found’ another one. I’m very lucky. I also believe that I can be in love with more than one person at a time.

What happens when you say the wrong name in bed?
Depends. Mostly you get teased or called an idiot. We are all adults and know that these things can happen.

What about diseases?
A sensible level of testing and precaution is needed and understood by all of us. It’s the same level I’d imagine most sensible single people take.

When are you going to pick one?
Because I don’t need to, we believe that it’s possible to share your love and life with multiple partners.

Were your parents like that?
No they weren’t. They also don’t have tattoos, they’ve never been to Africa, and I’m about a foot taller than both of them. They might have been if they’d had the chance but I think society is more accepting of alternative lifestyles these days (still not as accepting as I’d like). I was brought up to be kind, caring, and open-minded though so yes, my parents probably played a part.

Do you every get tired of having sex all the time?
Yes. Sex is RUBBISH isn’t it… Seriously though, the relationships aren’t about sex, they are about being a relationship, companionship, shared interests, all that good stuff. I just have the opportunity to have sex with two different people on a regular basis.

I could never do that.
It’s not for everyone for sure, a lot of people are very happily monogamous. I was for a long time too.

Marriage is between one man and one woman.
Actually it can be two men, or two women these days. Governments are still trying to get their head around any further possible gender assignations though (they need to sort that stuff out).

You just sleep around, then.
Nope, I have two partners. I don’t go out looking for one night stands, not that that is a bad thing either, as long as you are upfront and honest about it. Adults are allowed to have sex.

Isn’t that cheating?
Definitely not. Honesty is a massive part of polyamory, both my partners know each other and know that they are my partners, same for Kirsty’s partner Mark.

Oh! So you’re swingers!
Nope. We just have a set of interconnected relationships.

Which one is your favorite?
Well that depends, one is my favourite girl with dyed red hair, the other is my favourite girl with dyed purple hair. Or, I love them both very much, they are both my favourite person to hang out with.

You people must never have body issues.
I can’t even… wow. We do. Trust us. We do.

Will you have a threesome with me and my partner?
Depends, send me some photos…

What about the children?
That’s illegal!! Ohhh.. you mean poly families with children? No idea as we don’t have any, try Red Peril’s blog.

So you aren’t satisfied with just one person?
Yes I am, very. But I believe my life is richer with more love in it.

I wish I could do that!
You can. It’s not easy, and it might be painful to get to a position in your life where it could be an option. Try reading some of the posts on www.polymeansmany.com for some further thoughts.

What will happen when you want to settle down?
What do you mean by settle down? Today I am in two relationships and have been for over 10 months. We are pretty settled thanks.

If my wife slept with another woman, that would be okay, but definitely not another man.
I think you have your own issues to deal with before you worry about any you think I might have…

Don’t you get jealous?
No. Envious yes, but there is a distinct difference between being jealous and envious. Don’t get me wrong, there were jealous thoughts in the beginning so if you are going to try this be aware of that, but we got through those with some talking and a lot of cuddles.

And there’s something that rarely figures in any discussion about poly relationships, do you realise how many more cuddles there are to be had? And more cuddles is never a bad thing!

 

Bonus link: Eight Things I Wish I’d Known About Polyamory (Before I Tried It and Fucked It Up)

 

bookmark_borderLetting go

Letting Go

The title of my website is largely true. I’m aware of my flaws and foibles and, for the most part, I accept them and I’m happy within myself. However that doesn’t mean I’m not on the lookout for ways to be a happier me.

I’ve discussed in the past how I’ve taken steps to remove ‘negativity’ and recently I’ve extend that to a more introspective practice; I’m trying to making peace with the things I can’t control, I’m learning that letting go isn’t as bad as I think it is.

Bear with me, I realise this will sound very obvious; why would anyone in their ‘right’ mind get uptight, annoyed or upset at things they cannot control? Road rage is an excellent example of this, the energy expended in vitriol and rage is a waste, it won’t change what has happened and, while it may influence the other party involved, you can’t control how.

One bite at a time

It’s easy to say these things, simple words to utter but much much harder to put into practice. However, in accordance with the old adage “when eating an elephant take one bite at a time” I’ve decided to start to tackle this by focusing on small pieces of my life, one part at a time and I’m starting with the one that just so happens to be my biggest source of stress, my job.

For those that don’t know me, I have a bit of a thing for timeliness. Meetings that start late annoy me and it still staggers me that some of the smart people I work with can’t use a calendar to follow a schedule (there is a special place in hell for those that are late for meetings they arranged). What can I do about that? Ultimately, nothing.

Part of me wants to go into a ‘workplace culture’ rant at this point, how ‘broken window’ syndrome has many facets… but I won’t.

In the past, these occurences used to make me angry and annoyed. Part of me took their lateness as a personal insult, part of me didn’t understand how it can be that I can be on time but others can’t. Futile thoughts and I shudder to think how much energy I wasted on such things.

These days, rather than sitting in a meeting room waiting on people to arrive I do one of two things. I either a. suggest to those already in attendance that we start the meeting b. use my notebook and phone to do some quick tasks (reply to an email for example). After 10 minutes I’ll get up and leave, presuming the meeting will be rescheduled (if it happens without me I’ll presume it wasn’t important that I was there anyway, although that’s also presuming that the type of meeting has been clearly communicated in the first place).

Learning to let go

It has thrown up an interesting challenge though. I’m a very driven, goal oriented kinda guy, so being passive about something isn’t in my nature; the two lovely ladies in my life and I have chatted about my need to ‘fix’ things so it’s not just a work thing but it comes into play there more often than not.

But the more I let go of things, the lower my stress levels drop and the better my health seems to be. It’s a balance of course but I think it’s starting to work.

So what?

Why am I doing this? Because I’m fed up being stressed and worrying about things that I don’t need to worry about, things that I want to do but which are frequently impacted by external forces beyond my control. I can’t stop some things happening, I can’t control the emotional response of others, and I need to stop worrying about that quite so much (I will retain a level of empathy of course, I’m not a monster!).

Figuring out which things to stop worrying about hasn’t been easy, I’ve chopped and changed on my approach on this; Do I start with the presumption that I shouldn’t worry about anything and that everything that needs done will get done by someone else, and so anything that is truly mine to do will be escalated to me? Or do I start by choosing the things I don’t think I should be worrying about.

I’m taking things on a case by case basis at present but so far by letting go of some of these things, when coupled with the avoidance of “negative energy”, seems to be making a different.

bookmark_borderOur Poly Setup

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

Kirsty and I had talked for a while about what a poly relationship may look like for us; we knew we didn’t have a definite idea in mind but we talked through a lot of ‘what ifs’ to see if there was anything we did or didn’t want, or anything that just didn’t fit with our idea of what a poly relationship constitutes. It’s hard to foresee the future of course, but we had a general idea of what we hoped we would get from embracing polyamory.

We’d tried seeing other people, briefly, before. Kirsty had seen someone else for a few weeks, and I had been on a couple of dates. The timing wasn’t quite right though so we paused things at that point and discussed things a little more before we decided to try again.

At that point, I was lucky enough that the woman I’d dated a couple of times and gotten on well with, Clare, was open to going on another date, and in that funny way that life can sometimes work, at a similar time Kirsty met Mark. Clare and I went on a few more dates, the attraction grew, and it became evident that we were falling for each other. Mark and Kirsty were headed the same way.

The timing of all four of us coming together was down to lady luck, but the fundamental philosophy (for want of a better word) that we all share is what has made what we have today possible.

Considering Love

One thing that is important to us all is that we decided not to have the notion of Primary and Secondary partners. Yes, Kirsty and I have a longer history but for us it was important to acknowledge the fact that we believe that it is possible to love more than one person and so the idea of one partner having more influence or sway over the set of relationships than another seemed wrong.

Balance

I’ve mentioned balance before and it’s something we all try and find. It means being honest when you want to see more of someone than you have, or when you need some ‘me’ time. It’s been 8 months now and, for the most part, we’ve got things figured out.

One key part of our dynamic that is more circumstantial than planned, is that we all live alone, so a lot of the time we need to consider who is going to stay where on a given night. It also means it’s easier to have a quite evening to yourself.

Changes will happen

We still have things to learn and experiences to go through. We’ve yet to go away on holidays with each other, nor have we really been in any situations that demand a choice be made of one partner over another (you know, those +1 things that you just know would be easier if you didn’t have to ask for a +3), and for now none of us are looking to date anyone else.

Regardless, we will talk and figure these things out as we move forward. Changes will happen, some may mean hard decisions have to be made but we are all aware of this and will continue to be honest with each other, talk to each other and do our best to make the most of something that is making us all very happy.

bookmark_borderPolyamory: Decisions and balance

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.

There is a word I use a lot when describing how I try and approach life in general and when it comes to polyamory and my relationships it’s definitely something I focus on.

Polyamory as Balanced Stones

Balance

With multiple relationships at play, when it comes to making decisions things need to try and be fair and reasonable to everyone concerned. That’s not to say that every decision is always what everyone wants, but hopefully we are all having our needs met as best can be expected. In short, you can’t make everyone happy all the time (but I’ll be damned if I don’t try!).

Time is the most obvious factor but when you start to include events it can start to get a little more interesting. [1] Take the following scenario, you’ve been invited to an Engagement Party with a “plus one”. How do you decide who to take? Well, availability is obviously part of the decision-making process but if both your partners are available how do you choose? (and yes, I’m aware of the monogamy versus polyamory paradox here).

These decisions are emotional. They come loaded with shades of FOMO and possible jealousy, or may trigger thoughts of ‘second best’ (depending on your dynamic). Do you keep track of such things with a view to evening things out? Perhaps not as that then brings in hints of ‘scores’.

Decisions and Polyamory

With all that in mind, within the various dynamics of polyamory, how do you make decisions?

Communication is key I think and, if possible for it can be very hard to remove emotion from such things, a level of pragmatism and logic can help. There also have to be some tacit understandings that come with being part of a polyamorous relationship, namely that at times decisions need to be made but they are never, ever, made with malice.

There may also need to be agreement that decisions (and plans) can change. Nothing is absolute no matter how hard we try.

When it comes to making decisions, it’s not something I struggle with day-to-day. I’m fairly decision focused and will make them quickly and, at times, wrongly, but in my mind a decision has been made. However, I’m aware that my partners can be decision averse so I try and tread lightly, making sure I explain my thoughts and reassuring them that I’m only making a decision because one needs made. On the whole though, we try and make decisions on things which will impact everyone as one unit and, so far, we seem to be muddling through, with our interpretation of how polyamory works, pretty well.


  1. [1] For interesting, read “challenging, emotionally draining but part and parcel of being in a poly relationship”.