Category: Personal Musings

Posts about me

Four

“The hurt of lost,
the longing of one,
the distance from those,
the untouchable.”

Four lines.

Many meanings.

As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I wrote those four lines a long time ago, I think I was about 17 or 18, vaguely around one of the times I split up with Louise (which as certain people know, happened now and again). Since then it keeps appearing in my head, for no reason that I can fathom, and each time it seems to take on a different meaning.

“The hurt of lost” – doesn’t apply anymore, but when did it? Is the loss perceived or a reality?

“the longing of one” – I long for many things, or is dream a better term? Many things I can’t achieve, many things I have.

“the distance from those” – distance, when used properly, keeps perspective, but from who?

“the untouchable” – inferiority complex? Lack of self-confidence, feelings of exclusion?

No matter how hard I try, I can’t pin this down, but maybe that’s why it still intrigues me after so long. Do I really need an explanation? Like many things, it may be better not to know, but surely, as my brain keeps recalling it, it must have some significance.

Maybe I think too much, it has been mentioned. I’m convinced it has a relevance, it must shelter something, or is it just too vague to really mean anything? Maybe that’s the appeal.

If you have any ideas, please let me know.

Change

Many things in life are prone to change, many for better, some for worse, but all for a reason. Change has been a big feature in my life for the last 4 or 5 years. Louise and I have moved to our 7th flat together (in about 5 years), with one more move planned after that. I’ve changed jobs 4 times in 3 years (although two were redundancies), and my whole outlook on life has changed dramatically (if you really need to know).

I now crave stability, or at least I think I do. What if it has been the constant flux of life that has kept me going, kept my mind active, my soul alive? I long to settle down, get a house (a back garden!) and start creating a home. I long to get my career started properly, instead of just gaining experience. Most of all I long to create a constant space. A place which isn’t and will not be affected by change.

But – what if?

You cannot, and I refuse to, let ‘what ifs’ rule your life, but they are always there, and it does frighten me. I know I want to travel more, so what if settling down will make me feel trapped? We will start a family within the next year or two, but what if the arrival of another person, another responsibility, makes the binding of home, the lessening of change, even stronger? What if….?

But change is good. I know it is. Changes in me.

Not even a year ago, the ‘what ifs’ would have won. The worry of uncertainty (the certainty of chance), would have prevailed, and manifested itself into hate and depression. But not now. The very thing I once worried over, dwelt on, that dragged me down, is no longer the enemy, it is the saviour, the redemption.

We have no control over the future, no matter how hard we might try. Every choice has its repercussions, and whilst everyone must be considered, the ripple effect is unstoppable. We cannot control it, and we should not try. Change makes life interesting, for good or bad. Without change we wouldn’t live, we would only exist, and I can think of no fate worse.

To be robbed of the life that change brings would surely be the cruelest torture. The monotony of routine, slowly choking. Differences, changes are what intrigues us all, the differences in thought, action and deed. All of these are changes, and all of these provide life, provide experience, provide stimulation. They nurture our minds and souls, and create changes within ourselves.

Many things in life are prone to change, many for better, some for worse, but all for a reason.

Need

Why do you need a website?

OK, how do you answer that?

“Well everyone else has one…”

Oh, and if everyone jumped off the Erskine Bridge, you’d follow them?

“Because it’s cool…” (which it isn’t, so don’t ever use this answer)

You think so? it just means you can’t get a real life

And so it goes (which is a wonderful Billy Joel song) basically your only available answer is to say – “You just don’t understand it…”

But it does get you thinking, why do I need to do this? The answer to that is simple – I don’t need to. I could stop tomorrow, no really I could…
So the question is almost back to the original – Why do I have a website?

Well it started as an area where I would dump stuff, where I experimented with bits and bobs for other websites, then it started to grow. The main problem is updating. I tend to do things in mad rushes, nothing for weeks, then a whole slew of stuff in a couple of days…

It is an outlet, as with everyone, I have ideas, thoughts, emotions running amok. Some I commit to this site, others I let wander around in my head for a while, most disappear into some dusty corner or other, only to re-appear at odd intervals.

So what you get here is just what’s in my head, nothing amazingly profound, well not usually, and nothing to extreme, in fact I’m ecstatic that you’ve read this far – thank you very much.

Anyway, I only need one thing in my life, and she knows who she is.