Category: Personal Musings

Posts about me

Positive

I have come to accept that, by nature, I am pessimistic. I’m definitely a “glass half full” kinda guy. This does tend to make me more cautious and careful about a lot of things, as I can see the downside far easier than the up. Obviously in some places this is a benefit, but increasingly I am becoming frustrated with my own pessimism.

I’m pretty sure, although it’s not the kind of thing you ask people nor the kind of thing people will volunteer, that I’m viewed as selfish (which is true) and usually on a bit of downer (or constantly negative) and I wouldn’t imagine I’m cultivating the image of being ‘upbeat’ and ‘positive’.
I want to be positive.

Two questions:
1. Why do I want this?
2. Why do I need this?

I want this because I don’t like this side of my character and want to change it. I’m not drastically upset or anything, it’s more a constant niggle, like a tiny piece of grit in the sole of your shoe – a good metaphor as it is likely they both feel bigger until you examine them and you find a lot of it was imagination and perception. It’s one of those things that, looking back on a situation, you find yourself thinking “Damn I wish I’d said…”. Funny how those situations seem to be ‘major’ ones, either professionally or personally.

I want this because it will benefit me in the long run. It should give me a more balanced character, I think, although it will no doubt highlight another area I am lacking in, such is life.

I need this because I constantly strive to improve myself. It’s just something I do. Find an area of weakness or an area that is lacking and try and improve it.

I am aware that no human being is perfect, and I am aware that there is a place for pessimism. However I believe that pessimism needs a healthy dose of positivity to counter it, and I think the balance is wrong.

Maybe it’s just a temporary thing, affected by other circumstances in my life at the moment. Maybe I need to resign myself to who I am? Is that the way to be happy? Be happy with yourself? Maybe I should look to that as a personal goal?

How do you attain this inner peace, this confidence that, whilst you are aware of your flaws, you are happy to acknowledge them and move on. Am I striving for unobtainable goals? I have acknowledged a large variety of personal flaws here in this website. Once acknowledged, what is the first step? Take, for example, my laziness. I will happily “put off today what can be done tomorrow”. Yet somedays I manage to kick myself into action. I get annoyed about my laziness and start some DIY job, or paperwork, or whatever is outstanding. Very soon I get bored and frustrated that this task is taking up my valuable time – valuable as in, sitting watching telly, surfing the web or some other self motivated activity.

So if I am aware that I am lazy, and if I frequently know that I really should be doing something (and depending on my mood actually getting up and doing it) can I do the same for the pessimistic side of my nature? There is no reason why I can’t. I’ve managed to build in a ‘pause’ in other areas in my life, so I should be able to do the same here. [Stop. Think. Is what I am about to say positive or constructively pessimistic?] Easy really.

So I will try this, and other ways of changing my persona. As usual there are too many ‘maybes’, too many questions outstanding, but another aspect of my nature is to try. You think I’d learn wouldn’t you.

Conversations

Life is a funny old thing, hell you don’t need me to tell you that. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything down, committed it to a storable electronic format, not really sure why I am, but just know that I need to.

It’s funny how a few things can jog the memory, a conversation here, a bit of information there, and you are soon comparing and analysing it, pulling it to pieces, reliving the experiences as best you can, even if you don’t want to.

Now this all makes me seem like I am craving martyrdom or suchlike. I prefer to think of it as an exercise in self-awareness, and ability to…aww crap who am I kidding.

I write this stuff prompted by life events. Sounds grandiose doesn’t it, but a conversation can be a life event. Recognising it as such is usually the difficult bit. However I am a great believer, as has been drummed into me, in talking, getting things off your chest. So conversation is crucial, be it about minor, silly things, to major life events. It all comes out in a conversation.

Conversation brings people together, even if the conversation is not prompted or lead by one person, the sharing of thoughts and ideas can be a revelation, and lightening of the load, or at least a sharing of the burden. Friendships and relationships flourish through conversation. Honesty is a lonely place, sharing it with someone, sometimes with anyone, makes it bearable – why do you think you get a lonely persons life story in one conversation? By including you in their space, the loneliness is eased.

The reverse of this is the pleasure some people, myself included, find in seclusion. Peace and tranquility are becoming harder and harder to find in today’s busy world, but it becomes a must. Seeking out loneliness to face the truth, confronting yourself with honesty. Before you can talk to others, you must talk to yourself. It doesn’t always work that way of course, but again, you don’t need me to tell you that.

Dreaming

This is the most vivid dream I have ever had, yet it doesn’t deal with an every day scenario, I wrote this as soon as I woke for fear of losing the images it gave me.

Tumbling, passing over shapes and forms, passing identities shard and splinter before allowing recognition. Only the faintest glimmer of the form remains. Never sure how it is, where it goes, nor when to return. I move on unguided.

Fear is present but lurking far off, the dark light on the horizon. An impending battle never reached. Hope moves me forward, ever stronger, cushioning my movement. Outcrops of anger, jealousy, despair cannot affect my progress. I move on beyond the temporary to the fulfillment of a long journey.

A pause.

The clouds lazily meander across the sky around me, past the water and smoke to the sound of laughter. Gazing into my hands the forms continue, hinting at themselves, revealing all of nothing.

Darkness shatters into view, pirouetting sound fills the air, rising on the movement beneath it. Writhing noise, pervading every sense, surrounds me. Prone, I move amongst, conducting the movement.

Eyes closed, I can see where it is going, the path is dimly lit, but evident. Direction unsure but obvious.

And so to the stark realm of reality. Direction ceasing, stumbling. The flittering thoughts return, and I dream of dreams.

Down

Promises, promises.

Stagnant is probably the wrong word, but that’s what it feels like. Same old, same old. Get up, go to work, go home, have dinner, watch TV (or sit at the PC), go to bed.

Not been to T’ai Chi yet, nor found anywhere to play basketball. Have started playing 5-a-side weekly, but that’ll stop as I’ve got an inflamed tendon in my foot. My exercise cycle always seems to go like this. Starting exercising, get an injury, stop exercising.

We are both wanting to do more, time isn’t too much of a constraint, money is, but that’s nothing new. We need to break the routine. Do SomeTHiNG!

I wasn’t sure if I was slipping back down, going back to that horrible place that scares me so much. I think I am still adjusting to the move back north, to seeing family so often, and to being accessible for family occasions. It’s not always easy though. I think I’m fighting off a bug, which isn’t helping as all I seem to want to do is sleep. I feel lethargic a lot, is that lack of exercise, or my mind bogging me down.

I said, a while back, that I didn’t think this site would survive much longer. Right now, I think it will, mainly as a release. I hadn’t reckoned on the up and down so much. I just hope I don’t start taking Louise with me. The problem is coping. I can take-each-day-as-it-comes for only so long, eventually it grinds. Rage comes in, and starts motivating, but that’s the last stage, I’m not near that now, but it is coming, I can feel it. Anger, annoyance, and disgust. All aimed by me, at me. That’s what gets me most annoyed, should it be the way? Who knows? If you do please let me know.

Back to basics is the current thought in my mind. Get the basics sorted out. Create a more varied routine, vary that, and work from there. Eat properly, sleep properly, work properly. Then exercise, socialise and grow. Basic. Isn’t it funny how life doesn’t support that, how it keeps finding a way to drag you back, to complicate. Still, you get what you give, isn’t that right? You reap what you sow. Hindsight sucks.

Just spotted a basic flaw in my thinking, how can you create a varied routine?

Reminder

It’s there, sitting underneath the surface, never too far out of reach. A friend’s situation brings it back, but it is less painful this time, and I know it will continue to fade, to become a dusty memory. Each iteration dulling the anguish, drizzling out the flame.

I don’t cling to it, it is not a beacon, guiding my way or a siren calling me home. It does not weigh down on my shoulders or hang heavy round my neck. But it is real, it is there and I will not deny it that. I know I could store it away somewhere easily found, where the light reaches and highlights the sharp reality of it, but I won’t, it would serve no purpose.

Better to let it gather dust, to fade further and further from the reality, only to be used as a pivot, a defining moment, a point in time, the details of which need not be dwelt on. It was a good thing.

I thought it over again, tried to find the reasons, the answers, analysing my reaction and decisions. It all seems so pointless and needless now, and equally frustrating. I was told not to look for reasons, and answers, that acceptance and understanding of the moment would serve me better. It is not always that easy, but that adds to the value.

It reminds me of who I am. It reminds me of the positives. It reminds me of my worth, and my love. It reminds me everyday, and I’m slowly using it, changing negatives to positives, realising how lucky I am. It will remind me of how I got here, and remind me why I am here.

Addendum: I started writing this before Christmas, I keep returning to it, adding, deleting, considering. Each time I decide to stop, or decide to write what I write and leave it at that. So here it is, no apologies nor further explanation, I know what is stated, and it is for my self that I write it.

Adjustment

Finished work on 23rd December 2000, back to work today 8th January 2001.

It’s strange how quickly we humans adjust to our situations. Just started work after two weeks off. Already I’m back in ‘work’ mode. I had managed to do very little work during my holiday (I know, that sounds odd), and I was enjoying not having to concentrate on anything more arduous than reading books, listening to some CDs, and pottering about the flat.

I spent this morning in a kind of limbo. I had forgotten how many things I had to do, despite the fact I had managed to finish a lot off before I finished before Christmas. I find myself having to react to people, having to make decisions, having to think!

It seems to mimick my life at the moment, reacting, leaping from one role to another, coping with one event, then another.

Quiet resolution to remain calm. Not to stress too much. My ambitions may get in the way, frustration a constant thorn. I am determined though. I will organise my time as best I can, and if it can’t be done, it can’t be done.

So I’m adjusting. Altering habits and patterns. Won’t be easy and might not work, but hey what have I got to lose?

Hmmmm, that’s a hell of a positive attitude…maybe I should adjust that first.

Mantra

Once upon a time there was a guy. He put together a website. He posted some stuff about himself, some rants, and other bits and bobs. So far the story has no end. So far…

Stuck in a kind of limbo – loads of ideas, yet keep getting pulled back to handle the present. Oh and to everyone who reads this, yes I DO know who you are, and no I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think. As I’ve said before, there is more to me than I can contain in a website. Mind you I’m once again wondering if this will continue. If it is to provide cheap entertainment and gossip, then I won’t bother. God that sounds petulant, time to repeat my mantra – this site is for me – not for you, this site is for me – not for you.

About me

I was gonna post the bit below as the only page on my site yesterday, but I decided not to react over a couple of comments. If you do read things here, don’t think you know me. You only know the words and story I’m playing out on here. If you want to know more about me, talk to me, ask me questions, and respond to mine. Don’t base your decisions on this site.

Adult

When will I realise I’m an adult? Yesterday Zeldman gave us a link, but warned that it contained bad language and that we had better check with our parents before viewing it. I had the phone in my hand before I realised what I was doing:

“Hi Mum, it’s me – there’s this link on a site I want to look at, but it uses bad language and it said to check with your parents, soo… ummm.. can I look at it?”

“Well as your 26 I’m sure you’ll cope…”CLICK….bbrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Still it’s not such a bad state of mind.

This or that!

Ever get to the stage when you have so much to do, you really don’t know where to start, so you end up starting about 6 or 7 major things and then you start wondering why you think you are getting a little stressed.

I can see why people turn to drink.