Depression

Reading time: 2 mins
It feels odd to discuss it after almost a year. It was a strange period of my life. My overall memory was of a feeling of numbness, that nothing was really happening, that I was stuck in a weird dream. I could hear myself talking, saying horrible, horrible things but it didn’t seem like me. I was detached to the point of self-delusion. It felt like there was a glass wall between me and the rest of the world. Of course, from my point of view I was fine. Yes, I’d made a few major decisions, one which I will regret for the rest of my life, but Louise came back. Trouble was I couldn’t figure out what all the …

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Plans

Reading time: 2 mins
Planning for the future is an eternal habit, ‘I will lose weight’ ‘I will sort out our finances’ ‘I will exercise more’ ‘I will get myself better organised’. Never works though, does it? I’ve had plenty of ‘fresh starts‘, ample opportunity to take control of my life properly, instead of ambling along with the same old (bad) habits. Never seems to work. Well I’m about to make another fresh start and I’m determined that, this time, it will work. I know I’ve said it before, but I’m determined! No longer will I have to suck in my gut when walking on the beach, I won’t have to search the racks for the ‘next size’ trousers. I will start eating healthily, …

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Detached

Reading time: 2 mins
Sometimes at night the darkness and silence weighs on me. Peace frightens me. Perhaps I fear it most of all. I feel it’s only a facade, hiding the face of hell. I think of what’s in store for my children tomorrow; “The world will be wonderful”, they say; but from whose viewpoint? We need to live in a state of suspended animation, like a work of art; in a state of enchantment… detached. Detached. Neil Hannon – The Divine Comedy ~ Connection is made, the words strike me. The search for utopian ideals, one that has eluded so many before me, continues. It remains constant, unreachable. A need to retreat, to hide. “The hurt of lost, the longing of one, …

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Four

Reading time: 1 min
“The hurt of lost, the longing of one, the distance from those, the untouchable.” Four lines. Many meanings. As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I wrote those four lines a long time ago, I think I was about 17 or 18, vaguely around one of the times I split up with Louise (which as certain people know, happened now and again). Since then it keeps appearing in my head, for no reason that I can fathom, and each time it seems to take on a different meaning. “The hurt of lost” – doesn’t apply anymore, but when did it? Is the loss perceived or a reality? “the longing of one” – I long for many things, or is dream a better term? …

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Change

Reading time: 2 mins
Many things in life are prone to change, many for better, some for worse, but all for a reason. Change has been a big feature in my life for the last 4 or 5 years. Louise and I have moved to our 7th flat together (in about 5 years), with one more move planned after that. I’ve changed jobs 4 times in 3 years (although two were redundancies), and my whole outlook on life has changed dramatically (if you really need to know). I now crave stability, or at least I think I do. What if it has been the constant flux of life that has kept me going, kept my mind active, my soul alive? I long to settle …

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Love

Reading time: 2 mins
I wrote this without really thinking about it, she’s allowed me to share it with you. How she makes me feel I don’t have the words to express how much you mean to me, and how much I regret what has happened, maybe the words don’t exist. ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m sorry’ don’t, and never will, sum up the way I feel, but they are all I have. I’m falling in love again, and noticing many wonderful things that had passed me by. I have said in the past that I am selfish, and it is true, I was so selfish I didn’t look any further than myself, what a fool. Not a day passes when I see something …

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Need

Reading time: 1 min
“Why do you need a website?“ OK, how do you answer that? “Well everyone else has one…” “Oh, and if everyone jumped off the Erskine Bridge, you’d follow them?“ “Because it’s cool…” (which it isn’t, so don’t ever use this answer) “You think so? it just means you can’t get a real life“ And so it goes (which is a wonderful Billy Joel song) basically your only available answer is to say – “You just don’t understand it…” But it does get you thinking, why do I need to do this? The answer to that is simple – I don’t need to. I could stop tomorrow, no really I could… So the question is almost back to the original – …

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