No such thing as over sharing

I’ve only ever taken one shower with my clothes on. I was alone at the time and can still remember the sensations as my t-shirt started clinging to me, my jeans growing heavy and cold on my legs. I was drunk, had just thrown up then crawled into the bath and turned the shower tap on. I lay there as the water fell on me and I cried. My wife had (rightly) just left me and gone back to Scotland, I was alone and in the early grips of the darkest days of my depression. I’m not sure why I turned the shower on, perhaps a memory from a movie scene was my inspiration, yet looking back it all seems …

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Pianoforte

I’m sure I had full length trousers I could’ve worn – I know for certain I had a pair of dungarees at some point during the height of my Oor Wullie phase – but for some reason in my memories of cycling to my childhood piano lessons I’m always wearing shorts. Wheeling my big black Raleigh Enterprise out of the garage as the first snow of winter falls, I sling my music bag over my shoulder and head round to see Mr. Pullen (he wasn’t ‘Robert’ until much later on). To properly paint this picture, let me give you some more detail. This was at a time when everyone, EVERYONE had a BMX. My bike was not a BMX, it …

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Switching Off

My bedroom is never completely dark. Sure, the black out curtains help, but the gentle glow of street lights still sneaks into the room, the orange glow casting gentle shadows. Once my eyes adjust I can make out the detail of the print hanging opposite my bed, the sleeve of a shirt hanging off the back of a chair. In a bid to lull my brain into a state of rest – I’m not sure what woke me at 3am but I was most definitely awake – I started pondering what was in store for me tomorrow. Starting with the basics, what’s the date tomorrow? And then it hit me, it’s March. The third month of the year. Already! Where …

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Glitter mops and fashion

This is largely the tale of how a love of Korean sauces helped me realise that it’s ok not to conform to fashion. I was looking through some slow cooker recipes the other day trying to decide what to make for dinner. I ended up picking a recipe for Balsamic Chicken and added the ingredients to my shopping list ahead of my visit to the nearby behemoth that is our 24hr Tesco. I don’t actually go to a store to do grocery shopping all that often these days, not because I don’t enjoy it – how else would I have discovered the Korean beef sauce that I could happily live on for months – but precisely because I enjoy it …

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Sunday Mornings

Late last year I met a friend in the pub for a celebratory ‘end of week’ catchup. We got our bitching about colleagues and various crappy work issues dealt with whilst the post work crowds rolled in, but as they started to head home to loved ones, or headed off for a night out on the town, we moved on to other topics; specifically Sunday mornings and just how much they can suck. As a child, Sunday mornings were largely about going to church. Dressed in my best Sunday clothes, hair slicked down to look presentable, I was shipped off to Sunday School before attending the morning service. Sometimes the Sunday School kids would sit together upstairs and try not …

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Hello 2018

I don’t do resolutions, but I do have a few things I want to focus on next year. These are things that I’ll try, they aren’t goals, they are just things to have in mind at the start of the year. Some will stick, some won’t, and that’s all part of the fun. Fundamentally I refuse to shape my life based on one day, but as one year ends and another begins, I can’t help but pause and take stock. Material stuff I’m pretty happy with my home, although I definitely need to have another clear-out of my clothes as I am still changing shape/losing weight, which is a good problem to have. Aside from that, it’s upgrades rather than …

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These solipsistic moods

I don’t tend to post reading advice but this is a massively introspective piece about (fundamentally) my mental health. I process things by writing, I find more connections that way and I thought I’d share this particular set of thoughts. It’s based on various journal entries, collated and polished for publishing (I don’t write like this in my journal) and shared with a mind to others who may find the following 3000-odd words interesting or useful. YMMV, obvs. “Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone” Madonna Nary a truer word has been spoken, life truly is a mystery at times and, between you and me, I’ve given up trying to figure it out. To be accurate, I have been …

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Product delights

I don’t think it’ll come as any surprise that I take great delight in finding small improvements in the items I own, especially as I’ve written about this before. I’m always curious about this kind of thing, where design meets functionality, and the benefits it can bring. That said, most of the time when it comes to finding simpler things I end up replacing something I currently use with a newer, better, item and that usually means accepting a compromise of some soft. The balance is finding where that compromise will give me better form or function, over the aesthetical elements of the item. It’s not often you find something that hits both (design aesthetics are a very personal thing …

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44

44 is a tribonacci number, an octahedral number and the number of derangements of 5 items. Since the greatest prime factor of 442 + 1 = 1937 is 149 and thus more than 44 twice, 44 is a Størmer number. 44 is the number of candles in a box of Hanukkah candles. “Forty-Four” or “44 Blues” is a blues standard whose origins have been traced back to early 1920s Louisiana.[1] However, it was Roosevelt Sykes, who provided the lyrics and first recorded it in 1929, that helped popularize the song. “Forty-Four,” through numerous adaptations and recordings, remains in the blues lexicon eighty years later. Angel Number 44 is thought to be directly related to our passions. It tends to deal …

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Thanking myself

It feels a bit like I’ve dropped through a trapdoor into a different world. Or I’m that guy in a movie, standing still in the middle of a busy street, the world moving around me in a fast forward blur. From detached to detached, pole to pole, I have walked. Finding my way and working towards being able to be here, to be now. Sometimes at least. Most times I hope. This is not a permanent residency I know but now I’ve been here I know the way, and the more I visit, the more familiar the path will become. Self-revelation always makes me ‘prose’. Self-compassion always alluded me. I had no idea. Literally none. Every day I was failing. …

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