Category: Life

For the stuff about my life

State of mind

Conflicts arise and I’m too weary. I will take a stand and get things done my way.

Looking forward to working at the weekend…

Low low low – R.E.M.

Different

“No, not that one…hmmm that one’s OK…”

It has to be different, I have to be different – but do I want to change me? Or others perception of me?

Well that’s the easiest question I’ve asked so far! Dreaming of a genie, 3 wishes, teeth that don’t need brushed, weight that stays off, hair that stays on…

So why the obsession with different? Is it because I always tried so hard to fit in, without realising I never would? I remember simple pleasures, walking alone. I remember the pressures of walking home from school with others. Enjoying attention, never seeking it, always desiring it. Unsure of my confidence, unwilling to make a fool of myself (THAT’S why I don’t usually dress-up in fancy dress).

So I want to fit in, but stand out. To be the centre of attention, but immediately shun the spotlight. Centre of attention in private is one thing, amongst friends and family, confidence high, joking, laughing, content that I know the limits, know when to shut up. Plucked from a crowd to stand on a stage, people looking, laughing, too reminiscent of walking home from school. I need the control of familiarity.

Is it a concern over my ‘image’? Never fitted in because I didn’t have the right trainers? The cool shirt? I don’t care now – or at least state that I don’t, deep down I know I do – but it still bubbles under the surface. I desire the newest, greatest, bestest (I know, I know…) things. Coolest ‘stuff’ – hmmm deja vu?

So basically I need to accept this, and I have, kinda… It makes me who I am. If I wasn’t like this I would be someone else – but who? Whoa…that’s a different something.

Random

A myriad of disjoined thoughts, flittering about, lighting on reason and logic for the briefest of moments. Related illusions, bare facts, optimism, despair, hope, laughter. Life is odd at the moment, contradicting circumstances are beginning to reflect on each other, the negative affecting the positive. All the time my thoughts refuse to stay hidden, and leap into the forefront of my mind. Not a bad thing, but a distraction nevertheless.

The focus shifts again, maybe if… what if… searching for answers, knowing that none will present themselves. Focus shift – the future, gleaming, bright, shiny, new. Obtainable? Easy way out, difficult choices.

Salvation as distractions return, day-dream, focus shift. Magpie outside commands the attention – freedom, no choices only instinct. Balance is sought, control demanded and gained occasionally. but control of what? and how much of that control is perceived?

Glimpses of answers, glittering in enlightenment, or just reality reduced to confetti? Is this life? This random, uncontrolled, contradicting, disjoined and ultimately fragmented areas of thought and consciousness? Racing through emotions without hesitation, no control, and onwards to serenity and quiet disillusionment. Smiling, loving, needing.

Is there more to life than this? If so, what?

Learn the uncontrollable.

Annoying

It’s annoying sometimes, isn’t it – the way you want to do so much, but seem incapable of doing any of it. I annoy myself constantly, and catch myself frequently promising things I can’t deliver. Regular updates to this site for one! (but hey, I never promised that…did I?)

It relates back to plans and promises, and seems an endless circle. Each time I promise anything I get two, sometimes three, steps into it, and stop. I’ll spend less time on the PC – two weeks later I’m back to the usual 1 a.m. stints. I’ll go the gym…tomorrow…I’ll get better organised..well actually that ones not going too badly.

The main thing I have to learn, I think, is to realise who am I, what I am like, and stop trying to adjust. Compromise is one thing, and there is a fineline between the two. At the moment, the way I’m thinking, a compromise isn’t too bad, but I’m beginning to despise trying to adjust.

I kicked off the new year in fine style – ready to go, bubbling over with enthusiasm. Now I’m back round again, back to that familiar place. Exercise would help, it helps clear the mind, but I haven’t gone to T’ai Chi, nor found basketball. The gym at my work mocks me as I walk past it, everyday.

I know by this time next week I will be getting annoyed at myself again, and once it has built up enough, I will do SomeTHiNG about it. Why do I have to wait? That is the one thing, the question I return to. Why do I wait?

I know I’m lazy, but then, it depends on the task at hand. I was once told (OK, often told) that “We all have to do things we don’t like doing” and the REALLY annoying thing is that I agree. I know that, yet I can’t seem to force myself to do it. At the weekend I get bursts of restlessness, and leap up and do a few things on the ‘list’, but I never get them all done.

Are time-management and prioritising my biggest weaknesses? I don’t think so, professionally I find it easy, and rarely run into problems (well not ones that occur because I haven’t planned). Maybe I need to make my personal time more professional? Hmmm might just be the answer…in which case, I have dinner scheduled, so please excuse me, I must go.

Saturday

8th January 2000 – a Saturday night.

It was raining, cold, and miserable. We decide on the Balloch Hotel, it has that cosy, homily feel that pubs seem to lack these days. It also DOESN’T have music pumping at 200 decibels (oh god, I’m getting old).

So we sat, drank beer, and talked. It was great.

We covered recent events in our lifes, discussed what we hoped the future would hold, told crap jokes, and finally, as we always do, started reminiscing.

There aren’t many people that I consider as good friends, but on Saturday night, mine were all there. We have been through a lot, laughed, cried, argued and fought. No doubt we will go through more, and remain friends.

The true testament was how easy it was. We are different people to when we first met, almost 7 years ago, and our life’s have all taken twists and turns (you should know about mine by now). Without slipping into old personas, we did slip into a comfortable routine, OK, so some of the jokes are getting old (like IC! tee hee), and a lot of the stories weren’t funny at the time, but SB and I are talking now ;), but it was still a good night.

We will have others, but as it was the first get together of the ‘old class’ in a long time, it seems to have kicked started my year. Hopefully we will all stick to the resolutions we made, for some of us it will be easier than for others. The advantage is that we all have each other to lean on.

Upbeat

I enjoy working with computers. It may be sad, but it is true. I will quite happily sit for hours on end, tweaking a database design, updating a website, designing a skin etc etc. I don’t play games on it much. Recently though, it’s been taking over a bit. I’ve been spending more and more time on it, neglecting the important things.

At the moment I have this website, Instant Ideas (a resource for hospital radio in the UK), and the Hospital Radio Lennox website which needs drastically updated. We have a couple of databases for our CD’s and video’s and I’m planning one for MiniDisc as well. I am in the midst of creating skins for WinAmp and WindowBlinds to match the various default colour schemes that are supplied with geOShell (my latest find), and I am coordinating the documentation team for geOShell. This is just in my spare time…

Now, the database stuff isn’t a priority, neither are the skins, the website stuff needs doing once every week or so, and the documentation shouldn’t take too long. In theory. However I still sit, night after night, bashing away at the keyboard.

So far, I’ve managed to keep most of my promises – the exercise and weight thing fluctuates, so it’s time for another one. I need to be more upbeat. More lively. Do more!

The Ta’i Chi class will help, and we are going to start exploring the local pubs. We are both afraid of turning into an ‘old married couple’. Some aspects of that are nice, but it doesn’t sit well with us.

So from here on out, updates to this site will be fewer, and long term it may disappear altogether – I no longer feel the need to rant, rave, and generally bore you all with the workings of my mind, and I no longer think it benefits me. I’m not sure though, we’ll see.

Upbeat will be the way, the attitude and the manner. Fingers crossed.

Myself

I write a lot about my feelings, my thoughts… but generally as they pertain to others, or how they react to certain situations. Add to that the fact that it is difficult to take a subjective view of one’s self, and, well, it’s no surprise I don’t focus on my internal emotions more.

So, without further ado, here is the canned analysis of me.

I tend to suffer a lot from envy, in almost every form. I see success and wealth (which I equate as one and the same) and wish it were me….is that envy? I am also far too materialistic. I have to have the latest gadgets, the newest technologies, the coolest accessories. Add to that the simple fact that I am inherently lazy, and you have a problem. I won’t work hard enough to get the success/wealth I envy, but constantly strive for it.

I do feel intimidated, although I’m not sure if that is the correct word, when in certain company, and I suppose I long for acceptance, or at least that feeling that I’m not being tolerated, that the laughing is not false, that they aren’t thinking ‘God, what a dickhead’. In saying that, it doesn’t bother me too much, it’s more of a dull ache, or that niggling thought you get when you know you have forgotten something.

As with everyone else, a lot of my current make-up stems from my childhood, my formative years. I remember my childhood in different parts, some good, some bad, but I relate more to the memories I wish to forget more than the good times. I wonder if sometimes I am trying to create a problem where there isn’t one, but why? To be the centre of attention? I don’t enjoy that sphere, well that’s not strictly true, I enjoy it when I can control it, manipulate it, but don’t thrust it upon me, you will get no thanks for that.

I was never really ‘one-of-the-gang’ at school, and desperately wanted to fit in, to be liked, to be popular. I realise now that that was never going happen, that I am different, that I don’t go with the crowd. In fact I can remember vividly the day I confronted those very thoughts.

These days I’m more focussed on myself and how I see me. I try not to think about the way others perceive me, and I no longer worry too much about cosmetic details (I do need to lose weight, but that’s a health thing…). I probably over analyse things, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing…is it? Mind you, if I don’t do that, you wouldn’t be reading this, would you?

Do I think too much? I don’t think so, but that’s mainly because I don’t really control what I think about, which is part of my downfall. I don’t control my mind, I let it wander, trampling all over various thoughts and issues in my head, finding unused paths, and broken street signs. If I had a clearer roadmap of what I was thinking I would get much further, at the moment I seem to be re-visiting a lot of districts and badly-lit alleyways.

So that’s me. No doubt I will read this at a later date and write some more, probably contradictory, stuff. What about you?

Third

I’ve known Louise for over 10 years, and we’ve just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. She is my friend, my lover, and my wife. She will be the mother of my children (soon darling…soon), and carer of numerous puppies/kittens and maybe even a parrot(?). We have been through a lot together, and survived it all. We now have a relationship that will support us.

We can be friends when we want, lovers when we desire, and if it wasn’t for that funny choking thing she does when she brushes her teeth in the morning, the relationship would be perfect (I don’t have any faults…)

To outsiders, we may not seem close. We are not a ‘coupley couple’, we don’t go in for large public displays of our love, and we both respect each others space and boundaries. Admittedly I’m not as demonstrative as I could be, but I’m a lot better than I was. We understand each other, almost to a psychic level – Keith can confirm two occasions – and are comfortable in each others silence.

Our long history helps us, experience and hindsight guides us, and neither of us can imagine not being with the other. I was once asked, how I knew I loved Louise. I struggled to put it into words, how do you qualify love? The best answer I could give was:
I can see us growing old together.

Doesn’t really capture the magic does it? But it is the stability, the reliability, of our relationship that we both thrive from. Day-to-day our love flows smoothly, always present, burbling in the background, every now and then swirling noisily, splashing, gurgling, but always flowing, carrying us onto our future.

Three years, so far so good (well for the most part), here’s to the next three, and the three after that…but let’s not plan ahead too much, who knows where our river will flow?

Depression

It feels odd to discuss it after almost a year. It was a strange period of my life.

My overall memory was of a feeling of numbness, that nothing was really happening, that I was stuck in a weird dream. I could hear myself talking, saying horrible, horrible things but it didn’t seem like me. I was detached to the point of self-delusion. It felt like there was a glass wall between me and the rest of the world.

Of course, from my point of view I was fine. Yes, I’d made a few major decisions, one which I will regret for the rest of my life, but Louise came back. Trouble was I couldn’t figure out what all the fuss was about. I felt nothing, thought little (to begin with) and let my life unravel.

I do remember that my concentration was completely shot, my mind would veer off constantly, I couldn’t take any thought through to its conclusion, and whilst day-to-day activities weren’t a problem, as soon as I had any free time I would end up sitting, thinking about a million and one things, and not registering any of them. That was when I started writing. It was a way to capture my thoughts, to help me retain a sense of sanity. I would return to the writings, and start over, but each time it would descend to nothing more than a ramble. Slowly the ramble started making sense.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step. I started worrying about my state of mind, and looking back I had started to come out of the numb state I was in. All of a sudden I realised I was alone and I wasn’t coping. So I decided to get some help, that buzz word of the late 90’s – counselling.

A few counselling sessions later – voilá – I was cured. No it wasn’t that easy, but I was helped by the fact that I could analyse my own thoughts, in the end all I was getting out of the sessions was agreement.

As is the same the world over I have several traits and personality quirks that I can trace back to my parents, and further back to theirs. My main problem was that I hadn’t ever realised who I was, I had the impression that I was living a life that was expected of me, and yet I was constantly telling myself (and others) that my parents brought me up to be free thinking, and let me build my life the way I wanted it. The path I took was to try and create the son I thought they wanted. Of course all they wanted was me, however I turned out. I came out of the counselling sessions searching for myself, and slowly I’m beginning to find the real me.

I was pessimistic, always looking for negatives, I have failed many times, and hurt many people, friends and family alike. Now I no longer dwell on matters I can’t control, and I’m constantly looking for positives, although I do still keep a wary eye on the negatives, it’s now a sideways glance every now and again.

The main positive: Louise and I are now stronger than we ever were, or ever thought we could be, and that is one of the oddest things – that so much good should come out of my depression. Add to that a much stronger relationship with my parents, and all in all the last year has been the best I can remember.

Plans

Planning for the future is an eternal habit, ‘I will lose weight’ ‘I will sort out our finances’ ‘I will exercise more’ ‘I will get myself better organised’.

Never works though, does it? I’ve had plenty of ‘fresh starts‘, ample opportunity to take control of my life properly, instead of ambling along with the same old (bad) habits. Never seems to work.

Well I’m about to make another fresh start and I’m determined that, this time, it will work. I know I’ve said it before, but I’m determined! No longer will I have to suck in my gut when walking on the beach, I won’t have to search the racks for the ‘next size’ trousers. I will start eating healthily, nurture my body and mind, and develop my integrity. We will go on holiday, start a family soon, and I will get a 1966 Mercedes SL convertible (white of course).

No seriously…I will (stop laughing at the back!)

Of course starting all of this is easy, keeping it going is the difficult bit.

Around 10 months ago I made several promises to myself and to Louise. I’ve not been to bad at keeping them (though I’ve had to be reminded of a few) and our relationship is stronger than it’s ever been. We talk when we have problems, laugh when we don’t and I buy her flowers every now and again for no reason at all. She is my confidante, my friend, my lover, and soul mate. Even if it did take me a while to realise it. Anyway, I digress…she always makes me do that.

Naturally, Louise and I have plans, and they are simple. Get a house, start a family, live happily ever after. That’s it. Yes, wonderful holidays, new cars are all hoped for, but they are not, and never will be, the main aim. We plan to be together.

And have a white 1966 Mercedes SL convertible…(but a ’84 would do!)