Saturday

8th January 2000 – a Saturday night. It was raining, cold, and miserable. We decide on the Balloch Hotel, it has that cosy, homily feel that pubs seem to lack these days. It also DOESN’T have music pumping at 200 decibels (oh god, I’m getting old). So we sat, drank beer, and talked. It was great. We covered recent events in our lifes, discussed what we hoped the future would hold, told crap jokes, and finally, as we always do, started reminiscing. There aren’t many people that I consider as good friends, but on Saturday night, mine were all there. We have been through a lot, laughed, cried, argued and fought. No doubt we will go through more, and remain …

Continue reading »

Upbeat

I enjoy working with computers. It may be sad, but it is true. I will quite happily sit for hours on end, tweaking a database design, updating a website, designing a skin etc etc. I don’t play games on it much. Recently though, it’s been taking over a bit. I’ve been spending more and more time on it, neglecting the important things. At the moment I have this website, Instant Ideas (a resource for hospital radio in the UK), and the Hospital Radio Lennox website which needs drastically updated. We have a couple of databases for our CD’s and video’s and I’m planning one for MiniDisc as well. I am in the midst of creating skins for WinAmp and WindowBlinds …

Continue reading »

Myself

I write a lot about my feelings, my thoughts… but generally as they pertain to others, or how they react to certain situations. Add to that the fact that it is difficult to take a subjective view of one’s self, and, well, it’s no surprise I don’t focus on my internal emotions more. So, without further ado, here is the canned analysis of me. I tend to suffer a lot from envy, in almost every form. I see success and wealth (which I equate as one and the same) and wish it were me….is that envy? I am also far too materialistic. I have to have the latest gadgets, the newest technologies, the coolest accessories. Add to that the simple …

Continue reading »

Third

I’ve known Louise for over 10 years, and we’ve just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary. She is my friend, my lover, and my wife. She will be the mother of my children (soon darling…soon), and carer of numerous puppies/kittens and maybe even a parrot(?). We have been through a lot together, and survived it all. We now have a relationship that will support us. We can be friends when we want, lovers when we desire, and if it wasn’t for that funny choking thing she does when she brushes her teeth in the morning, the relationship would be perfect (I don’t have any faults…) To outsiders, we may not seem close. We are not a ‘coupley couple’, we don’t go …

Continue reading »

Depression

It feels odd to discuss it after almost a year. It was a strange period of my life. My overall memory was of a feeling of numbness, that nothing was really happening, that I was stuck in a weird dream. I could hear myself talking, saying horrible, horrible things but it didn’t seem like me. I was detached to the point of self-delusion. It felt like there was a glass wall between me and the rest of the world. Of course, from my point of view I was fine. Yes, I’d made a few major decisions, one which I will regret for the rest of my life, but Louise came back. Trouble was I couldn’t figure out what all the …

Continue reading »

Plans

Planning for the future is an eternal habit, ‘I will lose weight’ ‘I will sort out our finances’ ‘I will exercise more’ ‘I will get myself better organised’. Never works though, does it? I’ve had plenty of ‘fresh starts‘, ample opportunity to take control of my life properly, instead of ambling along with the same old (bad) habits. Never seems to work. Well I’m about to make another fresh start and I’m determined that, this time, it will work. I know I’ve said it before, but I’m determined! No longer will I have to suck in my gut when walking on the beach, I won’t have to search the racks for the ‘next size’ trousers. I will start eating healthily, …

Continue reading »

Detached

Sometimes at night the darkness and silence weighs on me. Peace frightens me. Perhaps I fear it most of all. I feel it’s only a facade, hiding the face of hell. I think of what’s in store for my children tomorrow; “The world will be wonderful”, they say; but from whose viewpoint? We need to live in a state of suspended animation, like a work of art; in a state of enchantment… detached. Detached. Neil Hannon – The Divine Comedy ~ Connection is made, the words strike me. The search for utopian ideals, one that has eluded so many before me, continues. It remains constant, unreachable. A need to retreat, to hide. “The hurt of lost, the longing of one, …

Continue reading »

Four

“The hurt of lost, the longing of one, the distance from those, the untouchable.” Four lines. Many meanings. As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I wrote those four lines a long time ago, I think I was about 17 or 18, vaguely around one of the times I split up with Louise (which as certain people know, happened now and again). Since then it keeps appearing in my head, for no reason that I can fathom, and each time it seems to take on a different meaning. “The hurt of lost” – doesn’t apply anymore, but when did it? Is the loss perceived or a reality? “the longing of one” – I long for many things, or is dream a better term? …

Continue reading »

Change

Many things in life are prone to change, many for better, some for worse, but all for a reason. Change has been a big feature in my life for the last 4 or 5 years. Louise and I have moved to our 7th flat together (in about 5 years), with one more move planned after that. I’ve changed jobs 4 times in 3 years (although two were redundancies), and my whole outlook on life has changed dramatically (if you really need to know). I now crave stability, or at least I think I do. What if it has been the constant flux of life that has kept me going, kept my mind active, my soul alive? I long to settle …

Continue reading »

Love

I wrote this without really thinking about it, she’s allowed me to share it with you. How she makes me feel I don’t have the words to express how much you mean to me, and how much I regret what has happened, maybe the words don’t exist. ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m sorry’ don’t, and never will, sum up the way I feel, but they are all I have. I’m falling in love again, and noticing many wonderful things that had passed me by. I have said in the past that I am selfish, and it is true, I was so selfish I didn’t look any further than myself, what a fool. Not a day passes when I see something …

Continue reading »