Month: July 2014

I like to write.

I like the process of it, the act of it if you will, I enjoy the space my brain floats into when I start writing. Ever since I first used a computer there is a part of me that still marvels at the way I can watch words appear on the screen as I tap them out on a keyboard.

My approach to writing varies. Sometimes I’ll be inspired to write in response to something I’ve read or heard elsewhere. I used to do more of that, my archives are littered with one line/one paragraph responses, but for some reasons I’ve moved away from that.

Sometimes I have some vague idea of what I’ll write about before I start but rarely does it end up the way I intended, and that’s another reason I enjoy the process of writing and why it’s where I turn to when I’m trying to pull my thoughts together. That’s why this blog contains so many of my thoughts and experiences, it’s part of how I make sense of them.

Mind you, I know I am equally prone to indulging the more whimiscal side of my nature from time to time; the day dreamer who watches raindrops trace their way down a window pane. Perhaps that’s why I no longer write shorter posts, do I fancy myself a Writer? I know I love writing, words have always drawn me in, but I’ve never really pushed myself in the direction.

The other day I wondered how it would be like to not have to work any more. What would I do? I know I could fill my time, but I fear I would waste it.

Define waste. I work to live, to pay bills and be able to afford nice things and have nice experiences. Yet I constantly feel like I’m wasting time, that I could do more and live more if I didn’t have to work.

I am 40, is this at play? Am I looking far ahead and wondering why I want to do THIS for another 30 years? Not so much planning for retirement as pondering a long slow descent into the life I want. A simple life, with fewer things, easier days, working at my own pace on things I feel passionate about.

Ahhh passion, such a strange word so easily thrown around. Immediately the focus is not on one thing but many, jack of all trades and so on. Of them all this blog, or at least the act of writing posts, is still the longest running passion I have managed to maintain. Is this where I should focus?

I don’t think it is, but then I don’t know what the future holds. I conjure up another day dream of my day spent in a cafe, tapping away at the keyboard on my eagerly anticipated second novel.

Funny how I never dream of writing the first.

The older I get the more aware I become of the truth that drives the many and varied philosophical cliches that pepper my day. They are so frequent and so subtle, and are usually delivered as a passing thought, that they barely register. But at present one seems to be stuck in my head and is becoming increasingly noticeable – the same way, I guess, that whenever you buy a new car, suddenly there are loads of them around – it’s the one about acknowledging that life is a journey and that the journey is more important than the destination.

I like to plan. At any given point in the day I’ll know what I’m doing next and likely have an approximate time in mind. This is not always a good thing (I can get a bit restless if my timings aren’t going to plan) but most of the time it helps me achieve some semblance of being a grown up.

I tell myself that this is all because I have a bad memory and if I don’t have a plan I’ll forget to do something, or forget to be somewhere. I use my calendar and to do lists heavily and, as a result, my brain is usually filled with time driven cues to help me remember to do things; ‘I’ll leave at 6pm so I’m home for 6.30pm and it’ll only take me 30mins to do the hoovering then I can …’, it sounds a bit anal I know but it’s a system that’s worked for me for a long time.

More recently I’ve been wondering if there is more to it than that. Perhaps the reason I like to plan my days and ‘near future’ weeks is because I know there isn’t much point planning that much further ahead. Even things like ‘go on holiday’ are broken down into the things to do today, and the things to do tomorrow. Beyond that I know the weeks will come towards me as they always have, and always will (that’s not meant to sound profound, just stating the facts). In other words, I know there isn’t any point planning things in great detail too soon as life will, inevitably, crap all over that nonsense whenever it gets the chance.

Oddly, the one thing I’ve never had is a plan for my life. I’m very much led by my emotions and I guess I’ve been lucky to be where I am today. Looking back there are some decisions which I would’ve made differently, of course, but I wouldn’t change them.

In the past my lack of planning was more down to how I reacted to what I thought were expectations or hopes that others were placing on me. Life seemed almost pre-ordained back then – go to college, get a job, get married, have kids – but then life started throwing some curveballs and it slowly started to sink in that while it’s good to have dreams and aspirations, and you absolutely should plan to try and meet them, life will ALWAYS throw you some curveballs. I think it’s how you deal with the curveballs that really defines who you are, not where you are, how much you earn, or what your ‘social status’ is.

It’s not been an easy, or quick, lesson for me, but the last couple of years have found me realising a lot about myself as I try and understand and empathise with others on their journey. As mine hasn’t been planned, I guess I’ve used the ‘near future’ planning to give myself a comfort zone to stop me worrying about what might happen in the months to come.

More recently, as my relationships evolve and grow, I’ve been trying to find the balance with my partners journeys, seeking out where I can help, where I should support, and where I’m not needed.

Being poly means I have to understand that everyone has a different journey and we are all at different points at different times. Not only are we different ages, but we have different jobs, different passions, different outlooks on some things. We all come from different backgrounds and places and have been through different life experiences.

Looking at where I am in my life, and where my partners are in theirs, it’s clear that whilst we are all on a similar path, we are on different journeys. It’s a subtle realisation, but I find myself changing my position at times depending on where I think one of my partners is on that given day, it’s a soft switch from ‘I will always be right beside you’ view to ‘I will always support your decisions’. One is very much based on journey proximity, the other on understanding and acceptance of our journeys being different.

Right now we are all on the same path, even if our journeys take us on little detours from time to time, we seem to be finding our way back to each other. Of all the things that polyamory has given me, this is probably one of the slowest realised but most delightful.

We are a family.